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Rethinking my life

September 8, 2004: I know when it becomes dysfunctional: when I'm in the hospital, recovering from a concussion. In walks my mother and sister with her two nieces.

After telling them what happened to me, my mother proceeds to claim that karma is the reason I'm in the hospital i.e. my attitude prior to getting assaulted at a job site. Not one word about the fact that i survived it and am still alive. How cold!

Meanwhile my sister's unwarranted fear gets a hold of her, and she starts blathering about getting a gun to deal with future assault.

My response to that comment was to state that such violence is inappropriate.

When I had some time alone to think about it, i made my employer my next of kind contact, because my ex-girlfriend would be inappropriate since she has a new boyfriend. As well, I requested that if my mother called, that she not know when i get out of the hospital.

Two weeks later, my mother calls and doesn't mention her inappropriate remarks. The next time she calls, I don't call back. The reason why I don't wish to forgive her is because I am tired of the dysfunctional behavior.

Since my mother can't change, I'll have to change my own behavior, even when it means being cut off from dysfunctional mother love.

Update March 12, 2013

Today, I have stopped overreacting to my mother when she uses shaming to control me. Instead, I let her words into one ear and out the other ear, like mental floss. >:)

It is becoming so easy to ignore her, but to still thank her for preparing a wonderful dinner afterwards.

All it takes is a lot of patience and love to bear the brunt of her aggression with aplomb. All I have to do to prevent forgetting boundaries, is to practice patience and love as a son.

Though, when she becomes relentless in the insults œmdash; yesterday it was the "you have a horrible body odour" broken record, which is actually a hallucination on her part because she'd never be able to smell my body odour.

Just before she started talking like this, she told me that I messed up the couch I sat on and "stinked it up" despite the fact that I had showered before I came.

According to her, since I am not capable of keeping myself clean according to her arbitrarily high standards, it follows that I need to wash good.

Before I left, she offered me another bar of soap. Gee, it looks like I was actually getting brainwashed regarding "perfect hygiene and cleanliness!"

So I declined the offer of soap, since I have yet to use the one she gave me two weeks ago.

Original post: September 8, 2004 2028H
Update posted: March 12, 2013 0651H

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