Love, compassion and forgiveness are the three most beneficial things to a person.
The popular form of love isn't really love at all, but just a form of pride that leads to hate.
Anger and dependency are also aspects of this "love."
Mainly, it is addictive sentimentality, not love.
The love that is quoted in I Corinthians 13 is unconditional.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
6 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails... - http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/1corinthians/1corinthians13.htm
Even when you abandon it as "too religious" or "unrealistic", it never abandons you.
In the common vernacular it is called "good vibes", comradeship, peace of mind, Buddha-nature, the Christ within, etc.
It is this deeper love that is often called Love, to emphasize its deeper meaning as a liberating power.
Please never be afraid of Love, because it is empowering and embraces all of us who reflect deeply on it.
20040430
20040427
20040421
To believe being alone is unbearable, the person must be deluded about being alone. If it is unbearable, then it must the fear of suffering in isolation which leads one to the false beliefs we have about loneliness.
Being alone is solitude. When one examines his mood in a crowd, finding himself alone there, then he believes being in a crowd is unbearable.
In actual fact, it is his disconnection from the community which causes loneliness to manifest in a disagreeable manner.
Because the natural reaction to loneliness is to retreat from it mentally, one finds it to be unbearable.
The cure is simple: pick one person to talk to about what they wish to talk about, and with practice, when you bond with people, all loneliness will be forgotten.
Being alone is solitude. When one examines his mood in a crowd, finding himself alone there, then he believes being in a crowd is unbearable.
In actual fact, it is his disconnection from the community which causes loneliness to manifest in a disagreeable manner.
Because the natural reaction to loneliness is to retreat from it mentally, one finds it to be unbearable.
The cure is simple: pick one person to talk to about what they wish to talk about, and with practice, when you bond with people, all loneliness will be forgotten.
20040415
My grandparents
my paternal grandfather died a year before my brother was born.
My brother was born in 1957, me in 1958 and my sister in 1960.
My maternal grandfather died in 1972.
So both of my maternal grandparents were alive for most of my formative years as a child.
The influence of my maternal grandparents was subtle, since they did not speak English well enough to have an influence on my upbringing in Western culture.
However, I recall once after I had discovered the magic of magnets as a child, the magnet holding all my grandmother's pins. My grandfather doted on me, a bit, and have an argument over giving me the magnet. Grandmother wanted the magnet since it was a convenience. After hearing them argue, I told Grandfather, "Please stop arguing. I don't want the magnet anymore." This incident taught me a valuable lesson: when you desire something you like for yourself, do not want it so much that other people who love you argue over whether to give it to you or not.
When Grandmother reached her 80s her mind started to go. In her mid 90s, she had a few revelations: she kept dried orange peels in her room. My mom scolded her for that. The thing is, dried orange peels are essential to certain Asian dishes. Another time she had pots of water in her room. My mom scolded her over that one. My guess is Grandmother realized the lack of humidity in her room.
One time Grandmother opened the front door to let in the spirit of her son. Another time, she was going to go to a fine mansion where her son was waiting for her. She went outside with her suitcase, and stood for 20 minutes waiting.
I feel that the main thing is, that my mother could not empathize with her mother. Me, I don't believe for one moment that my grandmother was senile. I feel that my mom wanted her mother to follow her own sense of rational behavior along narrow confines that usually doesn't follow reality.
Another time, I had a dream where my dead grandfather who died in 1972 come to my bedroom, as though to remind me to be good.
As for my father's grandmother, she and her brother were born in Hawaii before the military invasion that led to the corporate annexation of Hawaii in the late 1800s. the long hours her father worked and the dissatisfaction in her life led my great grandmother to run away back to Japan with another man. Unable to look after two children on his own, Great-grandfather return to Japan with his kids, came into partnership with a married family friend who owned racehorses, and eventually was adopted into the childless couple's family. To this day I don't know the real last name of my grandmother.
Grandmother Koto grew up in a privileged life. She even had a servant look after her. Yet her mother kept an eye on her, and grew to envy the life of her daughter.
Can you imagine running away with another man, only to have your husband return, and gain a privileged life for their children, while you either get stuck with a dandy who's a drunk and a scoundrel?
So eventually my grandmother chose to be the picture bride of my grandfather, rather than have to endure her mother trying to pull the hairstrings of a young lady who never knew her real mother. I can almost imagine her mother confronting her, asking "Do you know who I am? I am your mother who bore me. Do you not know me, daughter?" And my grandmother at age 9 wondering who this lady bothering her is, the male servant dragging her away as she cries, "You're still my daughter!!"
The real cincher will be the stories I can tell about my maternal grandparents in Japan, based on the domicile records I had researched and photocopied. Now there's stories that will make you wonder.
My grandfather had a younger brother who was the playboy in the family. He was made the heir when my grandfather refused the arranged marriage and picked the nice young girl of a proper Buddhist family. He declared "That's the girl I'll marry." It's unknown what happened to the spurn girl.
My grandfather had two sisters lived as living at the family home. The elder sister is recorded to have left to go work as a servant for what I speculate was an older gentleman, because the records show she brought back part of his estate. She continued to work as a servant for that particular family house. Later she married, only to divorce her husband. She never remarried. Another sister married a man to escape her life in Hiroshima. She left that man due to drink and returned within weeks she had married a decent man, who - no surprise - also drank. Later she divorced him.
My mother recalls that the daughters of her playboy uncle all became geisha. One of her cousins had many abortions due to her promiscuous lifestyle. My mother recalls that her uncle encouraged his daughters to be geisha. They used to tease and put down my mother a lot. The eldest son volunteered in the army and lost his life in battle. That was fortunate, since otherwise he would have followed his father as geisha chaser and drunk.
It's not surprising that my grandmother's father, mother and relatives lived stable lives in stable relationships. No divorces, no family discord.
My brother was born in 1957, me in 1958 and my sister in 1960.
My maternal grandfather died in 1972.
So both of my maternal grandparents were alive for most of my formative years as a child.
The influence of my maternal grandparents was subtle, since they did not speak English well enough to have an influence on my upbringing in Western culture.
However, I recall once after I had discovered the magic of magnets as a child, the magnet holding all my grandmother's pins. My grandfather doted on me, a bit, and have an argument over giving me the magnet. Grandmother wanted the magnet since it was a convenience. After hearing them argue, I told Grandfather, "Please stop arguing. I don't want the magnet anymore." This incident taught me a valuable lesson: when you desire something you like for yourself, do not want it so much that other people who love you argue over whether to give it to you or not.
When Grandmother reached her 80s her mind started to go. In her mid 90s, she had a few revelations: she kept dried orange peels in her room. My mom scolded her for that. The thing is, dried orange peels are essential to certain Asian dishes. Another time she had pots of water in her room. My mom scolded her over that one. My guess is Grandmother realized the lack of humidity in her room.
One time Grandmother opened the front door to let in the spirit of her son. Another time, she was going to go to a fine mansion where her son was waiting for her. She went outside with her suitcase, and stood for 20 minutes waiting.
I feel that the main thing is, that my mother could not empathize with her mother. Me, I don't believe for one moment that my grandmother was senile. I feel that my mom wanted her mother to follow her own sense of rational behavior along narrow confines that usually doesn't follow reality.
Another time, I had a dream where my dead grandfather who died in 1972 come to my bedroom, as though to remind me to be good.
As for my father's grandmother, she and her brother were born in Hawaii before the military invasion that led to the corporate annexation of Hawaii in the late 1800s. the long hours her father worked and the dissatisfaction in her life led my great grandmother to run away back to Japan with another man. Unable to look after two children on his own, Great-grandfather return to Japan with his kids, came into partnership with a married family friend who owned racehorses, and eventually was adopted into the childless couple's family. To this day I don't know the real last name of my grandmother.
Grandmother Koto grew up in a privileged life. She even had a servant look after her. Yet her mother kept an eye on her, and grew to envy the life of her daughter.
Can you imagine running away with another man, only to have your husband return, and gain a privileged life for their children, while you either get stuck with a dandy who's a drunk and a scoundrel?
So eventually my grandmother chose to be the picture bride of my grandfather, rather than have to endure her mother trying to pull the hairstrings of a young lady who never knew her real mother. I can almost imagine her mother confronting her, asking "Do you know who I am? I am your mother who bore me. Do you not know me, daughter?" And my grandmother at age 9 wondering who this lady bothering her is, the male servant dragging her away as she cries, "You're still my daughter!!"
The real cincher will be the stories I can tell about my maternal grandparents in Japan, based on the domicile records I had researched and photocopied. Now there's stories that will make you wonder.
My grandfather had a younger brother who was the playboy in the family. He was made the heir when my grandfather refused the arranged marriage and picked the nice young girl of a proper Buddhist family. He declared "That's the girl I'll marry." It's unknown what happened to the spurn girl.
My grandfather had two sisters lived as living at the family home. The elder sister is recorded to have left to go work as a servant for what I speculate was an older gentleman, because the records show she brought back part of his estate. She continued to work as a servant for that particular family house. Later she married, only to divorce her husband. She never remarried. Another sister married a man to escape her life in Hiroshima. She left that man due to drink and returned within weeks she had married a decent man, who - no surprise - also drank. Later she divorced him.
My mother recalls that the daughters of her playboy uncle all became geisha. One of her cousins had many abortions due to her promiscuous lifestyle. My mother recalls that her uncle encouraged his daughters to be geisha. They used to tease and put down my mother a lot. The eldest son volunteered in the army and lost his life in battle. That was fortunate, since otherwise he would have followed his father as geisha chaser and drunk.
It's not surprising that my grandmother's father, mother and relatives lived stable lives in stable relationships. No divorces, no family discord.
20040413
My family circa the mid-1960's until the present
Public Education's Influence on Shaping Lives
In Grade 1 my sister was friendly and outgoing. In Grade 2, she was subject to punishment by the teacher, who was of the old school, "shame them, guilt them, punish them" for bad behavior.
Two years before, I was called to task along with my male classmate by the Grade 2 teacher over sliding down the slope leading to the fence between school property and the home next door. She brought to our attention the difference in the way boys played and girls played. We were made to feel ashamed for being adventurous boys.
I remember being asked to visit my sister in her Grade 2 class because she was humiliated for having to do studies as punishment. My sister was embarrassed, upset and ashamed, to have me see her like that. After that incident, my mom scolded her for her misbehavior in school, and put her down for failing to live up to her role as "a good girl".
Today I can see that the 1960's was not an enlightened time for boys and girls growing up.
Family Pride == Mother's Way of Keeping Sister Out of Harm's Way
One of my sister's friends was a young girl who was born without a thumb. She was also the daughter of a upper middle class Finnish family, one of the pioneer families of the small town we lived in between 1959 and 1980.
I feel that my sister tried to make friends with her, but there may have been some racism at work here, of which I was oblivious. My sister tried to fit in but there might have been something at work here that led to conduct and behavior problems that our mother objected to, i.e. coming home late from her friends, talking back to her etc.
Concerned for her, my mom used to make my younger sister play the piano. She even bought a piano for her to practice on with the music teacher. My sister soon grew to hate piano lessons, and could only play according to what she was taught, not even improvise.
When she wasn't at it, I'd tap the keys and listen to the sounds that came out of that piano. My sister even said I should try it. I just stuck to playing it by ear when she wasn't practicing, and teasing her when she was trying to practice.
I recall one day my mother, my sister and I even went to a competition. My sister was shy, and not very confident. But my mom made her go up there and play.
Eventually my sister refused to play piano anymore. I feel that part of the reason is that my mother is blunt and not tactful. Out of family pride, she wanted her to succeed, but pushed my sister too hard.
Yet when my sister got married, she encouraged all her four daughters to succeed in ballet and creative dance. She figured it would keep them occupied and off the streets.
As for myself, my ear for music was first honed playing the recorder, a woodwind instrument, in Grade 1. At home, I used to play that a lot between Grade 3 and 6, and off and on during high school. It led to a serious test in grade 7 by the music teacher, and I ended up playing clarinet, but I was never good at it. In grade 12, I abandoned book keeping class in favor of guitar class. For about 8 years afterward, I played guitar by myself, and even composed a few songs.
Amae
I admit that I was spoiled by my mom, and that my elder brother and younger sister were made to do things they didn't feel they wanted to do. However, my mom care about all of us, including my dad. As a child I was made to feel as if I couldn't do a good job washing dishes. Today as an adult, the few times that I do my dishes after a meal at the family home, as my mom asks, I wash them clean.
Our mother also tries to help any of us out when we ask, as much as she is able to.
What I have just briefly described is interdependence within a Westernized Japanese household. It has been described as when each family member is dependent on each other to maintain family harmony. This dependency is known by the Japanese term, amae.
Over the years, I have discovered that family harmony depends on the willingness to be dependent on each other. It requires the willingness to condone past differences, and to control one's ego so as not to ruin "wa", the harmony of the moment.
Parent Habits
The habits I've observed in my mother is starting her stories in the middle and getting to the point, with occasional off hand remarks about other topics, i.e. a newspaper article to show me, etc. She is also beginning to excuse her idiosyncrasies as an excuse to do it more, from time to time.
In my father I had noticed habit of putting down her folks — this seemed to be a shared pastime for them. He also imagined that I am living an extremely bad life. However, he passed away in 2007, and no longer has to worry about me.
Up until his death, they both believed that without their strict control of me, eventually I'd end up the worse for it. This is untrue, for my life has improved over the past fifth years since I moved out on my own.
Current Situation
Today I live with roommates, a couple I care about dearly, both of whom have been my friends for six years.
Since the summer of 2012 I have dedicated my time to providing emotional support. The reason for doing so is to help the female half of the couple adjust to unemployment, which has been rocky.
As for the relationship with my mother, it has improved tremendously over the past two years. Although I admit that in the past my ego used to lead to conflict with her, I had decided to let her and everyone else off the hook.
I find that it is important to keep focused on the present moment. and to maintain a caring and loving attitude. In this way, we work together to maintain family harmony.
amae: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Anatomy_of_Dependence
wa: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wa_%28Japanese_culture%29
In Grade 1 my sister was friendly and outgoing. In Grade 2, she was subject to punishment by the teacher, who was of the old school, "shame them, guilt them, punish them" for bad behavior.
Two years before, I was called to task along with my male classmate by the Grade 2 teacher over sliding down the slope leading to the fence between school property and the home next door. She brought to our attention the difference in the way boys played and girls played. We were made to feel ashamed for being adventurous boys.
I remember being asked to visit my sister in her Grade 2 class because she was humiliated for having to do studies as punishment. My sister was embarrassed, upset and ashamed, to have me see her like that. After that incident, my mom scolded her for her misbehavior in school, and put her down for failing to live up to her role as "a good girl".
Today I can see that the 1960's was not an enlightened time for boys and girls growing up.
Family Pride == Mother's Way of Keeping Sister Out of Harm's Way
One of my sister's friends was a young girl who was born without a thumb. She was also the daughter of a upper middle class Finnish family, one of the pioneer families of the small town we lived in between 1959 and 1980.
I feel that my sister tried to make friends with her, but there may have been some racism at work here, of which I was oblivious. My sister tried to fit in but there might have been something at work here that led to conduct and behavior problems that our mother objected to, i.e. coming home late from her friends, talking back to her etc.
Concerned for her, my mom used to make my younger sister play the piano. She even bought a piano for her to practice on with the music teacher. My sister soon grew to hate piano lessons, and could only play according to what she was taught, not even improvise.
When she wasn't at it, I'd tap the keys and listen to the sounds that came out of that piano. My sister even said I should try it. I just stuck to playing it by ear when she wasn't practicing, and teasing her when she was trying to practice.
I recall one day my mother, my sister and I even went to a competition. My sister was shy, and not very confident. But my mom made her go up there and play.
Eventually my sister refused to play piano anymore. I feel that part of the reason is that my mother is blunt and not tactful. Out of family pride, she wanted her to succeed, but pushed my sister too hard.
Yet when my sister got married, she encouraged all her four daughters to succeed in ballet and creative dance. She figured it would keep them occupied and off the streets.
As for myself, my ear for music was first honed playing the recorder, a woodwind instrument, in Grade 1. At home, I used to play that a lot between Grade 3 and 6, and off and on during high school. It led to a serious test in grade 7 by the music teacher, and I ended up playing clarinet, but I was never good at it. In grade 12, I abandoned book keeping class in favor of guitar class. For about 8 years afterward, I played guitar by myself, and even composed a few songs.
Amae
I admit that I was spoiled by my mom, and that my elder brother and younger sister were made to do things they didn't feel they wanted to do. However, my mom care about all of us, including my dad. As a child I was made to feel as if I couldn't do a good job washing dishes. Today as an adult, the few times that I do my dishes after a meal at the family home, as my mom asks, I wash them clean.
Our mother also tries to help any of us out when we ask, as much as she is able to.
What I have just briefly described is interdependence within a Westernized Japanese household. It has been described as when each family member is dependent on each other to maintain family harmony. This dependency is known by the Japanese term, amae.
Over the years, I have discovered that family harmony depends on the willingness to be dependent on each other. It requires the willingness to condone past differences, and to control one's ego so as not to ruin "wa", the harmony of the moment.
Parent Habits
The habits I've observed in my mother is starting her stories in the middle and getting to the point, with occasional off hand remarks about other topics, i.e. a newspaper article to show me, etc. She is also beginning to excuse her idiosyncrasies as an excuse to do it more, from time to time.
In my father I had noticed habit of putting down her folks — this seemed to be a shared pastime for them. He also imagined that I am living an extremely bad life. However, he passed away in 2007, and no longer has to worry about me.
Up until his death, they both believed that without their strict control of me, eventually I'd end up the worse for it. This is untrue, for my life has improved over the past fifth years since I moved out on my own.
Current Situation
Today I live with roommates, a couple I care about dearly, both of whom have been my friends for six years.
Since the summer of 2012 I have dedicated my time to providing emotional support. The reason for doing so is to help the female half of the couple adjust to unemployment, which has been rocky.
As for the relationship with my mother, it has improved tremendously over the past two years. Although I admit that in the past my ego used to lead to conflict with her, I had decided to let her and everyone else off the hook.
I find that it is important to keep focused on the present moment. and to maintain a caring and loving attitude. In this way, we work together to maintain family harmony.
amae: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Anatomy_of_Dependence
wa: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wa_%28Japanese_culture%29
20040410
20040408
20040406
20040405
Commentary on The Mikado
http://www.talkinbroadway.com/regional/pitt/p70.html
According to the review by Anne Miner, the Mikado is a commentary on British society, which had become "a regimented and rule-laden society" with each character expressing their way of exploring "individual freedom and happiness."
Through this play, Gilbert and Sullivan made an important contribution to the social critique of British society. They chose Japan to distract nationalists from seeing it as such.
Thus The Mikado has never been about Japan, but is used as a plot device to expose the regimentation of the old Empire. Very little authentic Japanese culture but very much of British culture exists in The Mikado.
This play shows a way of discreetly criticizing modern day society without having defenders of society catching on until much later.
Plot and theme of The Mikado from Boise State University:
http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/mikado/html/mikado.html
According to the review by Anne Miner, the Mikado is a commentary on British society, which had become "a regimented and rule-laden society" with each character expressing their way of exploring "individual freedom and happiness."
Through this play, Gilbert and Sullivan made an important contribution to the social critique of British society. They chose Japan to distract nationalists from seeing it as such.
Thus The Mikado has never been about Japan, but is used as a plot device to expose the regimentation of the old Empire. Very little authentic Japanese culture but very much of British culture exists in The Mikado.
This play shows a way of discreetly criticizing modern day society without having defenders of society catching on until much later.
Plot and theme of The Mikado from Boise State University:
http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/mikado/html/mikado.html
20040403
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