September 8, 2004: Currently the mortality of my father, who is now in an old age home, is a concern for me. For a long while, I thought that the only way I can handle that kind of pain, the imminent loss of a parent, is to avoid it, suppress it. But that's more depressing than just to talking about it.
Yes, not talking about the impending mortality of my father is the root of my depression, not death itself.
The reason why i am isolated from him is because his attitude is so aggressive and hurtful that it's best not to be in the same room with him. The same applies to my mother, especially since I know myself well enough to wish to avoid strong emotions at this time.
Update March 12, 2013
Three years later, my father died. As of May 2, 2013, it will be the seventh year since his parinirvana. Sometime in April, the Buddhist priest, my mother, my brother, my sister and her immediate family will attend.
I have recovered from the depression over his impending death. So I look forward to this memorial service.
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
20050505
Perhaps Human Problems Are Symptoms of Our Social Stress
The public education system is designed to manufacture wageslaves not people.
The stress of having to adapt to this repressive system results in "mental illness".
Such disorders as psychoses, mania and depression are all temporary, being maladaptive behavior to adapt to stress, especially that of the insidious double-bind.
The prime example of the double-bind is the "love/hate" relationship of parent and child.
Indeed, human relationships are rife with schizophregenic manifestations complete with depression, mania and psychoses as ways of adapting to the stress of getting along with each other.
And our mental and social ills are the symptoms of human society stressed to the breaking point.
The stress of having to adapt to this repressive system results in "mental illness".
Such disorders as psychoses, mania and depression are all temporary, being maladaptive behavior to adapt to stress, especially that of the insidious double-bind.
The prime example of the double-bind is the "love/hate" relationship of parent and child.
Indeed, human relationships are rife with schizophregenic manifestations complete with depression, mania and psychoses as ways of adapting to the stress of getting along with each other.
And our mental and social ills are the symptoms of human society stressed to the breaking point.
20040415
My grandparents
my paternal grandfather died a year before my brother was born.
My brother was born in 1957, me in 1958 and my sister in 1960.
My maternal grandfather died in 1972.
So both of my maternal grandparents were alive for most of my formative years as a child.
The influence of my maternal grandparents was subtle, since they did not speak English well enough to have an influence on my upbringing in Western culture.
However, I recall once after I had discovered the magic of magnets as a child, the magnet holding all my grandmother's pins. My grandfather doted on me, a bit, and have an argument over giving me the magnet. Grandmother wanted the magnet since it was a convenience. After hearing them argue, I told Grandfather, "Please stop arguing. I don't want the magnet anymore." This incident taught me a valuable lesson: when you desire something you like for yourself, do not want it so much that other people who love you argue over whether to give it to you or not.
When Grandmother reached her 80s her mind started to go. In her mid 90s, she had a few revelations: she kept dried orange peels in her room. My mom scolded her for that. The thing is, dried orange peels are essential to certain Asian dishes. Another time she had pots of water in her room. My mom scolded her over that one. My guess is Grandmother realized the lack of humidity in her room.
One time Grandmother opened the front door to let in the spirit of her son. Another time, she was going to go to a fine mansion where her son was waiting for her. She went outside with her suitcase, and stood for 20 minutes waiting.
I feel that the main thing is, that my mother could not empathize with her mother. Me, I don't believe for one moment that my grandmother was senile. I feel that my mom wanted her mother to follow her own sense of rational behavior along narrow confines that usually doesn't follow reality.
Another time, I had a dream where my dead grandfather who died in 1972 come to my bedroom, as though to remind me to be good.
As for my father's grandmother, she and her brother were born in Hawaii before the military invasion that led to the corporate annexation of Hawaii in the late 1800s. the long hours her father worked and the dissatisfaction in her life led my great grandmother to run away back to Japan with another man. Unable to look after two children on his own, Great-grandfather return to Japan with his kids, came into partnership with a married family friend who owned racehorses, and eventually was adopted into the childless couple's family. To this day I don't know the real last name of my grandmother.
Grandmother Koto grew up in a privileged life. She even had a servant look after her. Yet her mother kept an eye on her, and grew to envy the life of her daughter.
Can you imagine running away with another man, only to have your husband return, and gain a privileged life for their children, while you either get stuck with a dandy who's a drunk and a scoundrel?
So eventually my grandmother chose to be the picture bride of my grandfather, rather than have to endure her mother trying to pull the hairstrings of a young lady who never knew her real mother. I can almost imagine her mother confronting her, asking "Do you know who I am? I am your mother who bore me. Do you not know me, daughter?" And my grandmother at age 9 wondering who this lady bothering her is, the male servant dragging her away as she cries, "You're still my daughter!!"
The real cincher will be the stories I can tell about my maternal grandparents in Japan, based on the domicile records I had researched and photocopied. Now there's stories that will make you wonder.
My grandfather had a younger brother who was the playboy in the family. He was made the heir when my grandfather refused the arranged marriage and picked the nice young girl of a proper Buddhist family. He declared "That's the girl I'll marry." It's unknown what happened to the spurn girl.
My grandfather had two sisters lived as living at the family home. The elder sister is recorded to have left to go work as a servant for what I speculate was an older gentleman, because the records show she brought back part of his estate. She continued to work as a servant for that particular family house. Later she married, only to divorce her husband. She never remarried. Another sister married a man to escape her life in Hiroshima. She left that man due to drink and returned within weeks she had married a decent man, who - no surprise - also drank. Later she divorced him.
My mother recalls that the daughters of her playboy uncle all became geisha. One of her cousins had many abortions due to her promiscuous lifestyle. My mother recalls that her uncle encouraged his daughters to be geisha. They used to tease and put down my mother a lot. The eldest son volunteered in the army and lost his life in battle. That was fortunate, since otherwise he would have followed his father as geisha chaser and drunk.
It's not surprising that my grandmother's father, mother and relatives lived stable lives in stable relationships. No divorces, no family discord.
My brother was born in 1957, me in 1958 and my sister in 1960.
My maternal grandfather died in 1972.
So both of my maternal grandparents were alive for most of my formative years as a child.
The influence of my maternal grandparents was subtle, since they did not speak English well enough to have an influence on my upbringing in Western culture.
However, I recall once after I had discovered the magic of magnets as a child, the magnet holding all my grandmother's pins. My grandfather doted on me, a bit, and have an argument over giving me the magnet. Grandmother wanted the magnet since it was a convenience. After hearing them argue, I told Grandfather, "Please stop arguing. I don't want the magnet anymore." This incident taught me a valuable lesson: when you desire something you like for yourself, do not want it so much that other people who love you argue over whether to give it to you or not.
When Grandmother reached her 80s her mind started to go. In her mid 90s, she had a few revelations: she kept dried orange peels in her room. My mom scolded her for that. The thing is, dried orange peels are essential to certain Asian dishes. Another time she had pots of water in her room. My mom scolded her over that one. My guess is Grandmother realized the lack of humidity in her room.
One time Grandmother opened the front door to let in the spirit of her son. Another time, she was going to go to a fine mansion where her son was waiting for her. She went outside with her suitcase, and stood for 20 minutes waiting.
I feel that the main thing is, that my mother could not empathize with her mother. Me, I don't believe for one moment that my grandmother was senile. I feel that my mom wanted her mother to follow her own sense of rational behavior along narrow confines that usually doesn't follow reality.
Another time, I had a dream where my dead grandfather who died in 1972 come to my bedroom, as though to remind me to be good.
As for my father's grandmother, she and her brother were born in Hawaii before the military invasion that led to the corporate annexation of Hawaii in the late 1800s. the long hours her father worked and the dissatisfaction in her life led my great grandmother to run away back to Japan with another man. Unable to look after two children on his own, Great-grandfather return to Japan with his kids, came into partnership with a married family friend who owned racehorses, and eventually was adopted into the childless couple's family. To this day I don't know the real last name of my grandmother.
Grandmother Koto grew up in a privileged life. She even had a servant look after her. Yet her mother kept an eye on her, and grew to envy the life of her daughter.
Can you imagine running away with another man, only to have your husband return, and gain a privileged life for their children, while you either get stuck with a dandy who's a drunk and a scoundrel?
So eventually my grandmother chose to be the picture bride of my grandfather, rather than have to endure her mother trying to pull the hairstrings of a young lady who never knew her real mother. I can almost imagine her mother confronting her, asking "Do you know who I am? I am your mother who bore me. Do you not know me, daughter?" And my grandmother at age 9 wondering who this lady bothering her is, the male servant dragging her away as she cries, "You're still my daughter!!"
The real cincher will be the stories I can tell about my maternal grandparents in Japan, based on the domicile records I had researched and photocopied. Now there's stories that will make you wonder.
My grandfather had a younger brother who was the playboy in the family. He was made the heir when my grandfather refused the arranged marriage and picked the nice young girl of a proper Buddhist family. He declared "That's the girl I'll marry." It's unknown what happened to the spurn girl.
My grandfather had two sisters lived as living at the family home. The elder sister is recorded to have left to go work as a servant for what I speculate was an older gentleman, because the records show she brought back part of his estate. She continued to work as a servant for that particular family house. Later she married, only to divorce her husband. She never remarried. Another sister married a man to escape her life in Hiroshima. She left that man due to drink and returned within weeks she had married a decent man, who - no surprise - also drank. Later she divorced him.
My mother recalls that the daughters of her playboy uncle all became geisha. One of her cousins had many abortions due to her promiscuous lifestyle. My mother recalls that her uncle encouraged his daughters to be geisha. They used to tease and put down my mother a lot. The eldest son volunteered in the army and lost his life in battle. That was fortunate, since otherwise he would have followed his father as geisha chaser and drunk.
It's not surprising that my grandmother's father, mother and relatives lived stable lives in stable relationships. No divorces, no family discord.
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