The root of my current depression

September 8, 2004: Currently the mortality of my father, who is now in an old age home, is a concern for me. For a long while, I thought that the only way I can handle that kind of pain, the imminent loss of a parent, is to avoid it, suppress it. But that's more depressing than just to talking about it.

Yes, not talking about the impending mortality of my father is the root of my depression, not death itself.

The reason why i am isolated from him is because his attitude is so aggressive and hurtful that it's best not to be in the same room with him. The same applies to my mother, especially since I know myself well enough to wish to avoid strong emotions at this time.

Update March 12, 2013

Three years later, my father died. As of May 2, 2013, it will be the seventh year since his parinirvana. Sometime in April, the Buddhist priest, my mother, my brother, my sister and her immediate family will attend.

I have recovered from the depression over his impending death. So I look forward to this memorial service.

This Body Be Weak Though This Heart Be Willing

I am, yet am limited
By this old body;
yet this mind is all I know —
Ah, but still I reach
for the stars with mortal arms!