One New Year's Day, my mother and I had a long discussion about how we treat each other. When she hears me talking in a manner that upsets her, she would use this argument to get me to behave:
"You talk as though you're smart, but you are not."
After she repeated this three times, I replied, "You know how this makes me feel? Like I am really this small."
I also told her that saying such things is like a form of brainwashing (emotional abuse).
When a person in authority, such as a parent, repeats such phrases, s/he is engaging in psychological warfare, even when it's within the family. The purpose of repeating such phrases is to break down the walls of defense of another family member, usually the child.
This is how a parent tries to control the behavior of her child. However, When a parent talks this way to her adult child, he will try to get her to understand the family dynamics by explaining to her how her words make him feel. For the purpose of getting a parent feedback is to help her see that her words do affect his self image.
In the case of my mother and I, her words may have made me feel as though I am weak and helpless when I was a child. Now that I am an adult, it just makes me feel small. Such belittling by the parent is done to help her feel as though she is in control.
During our discussion, my mother vowed to stay silent but broke that vow until I pointed it out to her. Finally, after I finished my New Year's Day dinner, I thanked her for it.
Later on that evening, my mother apologized for her bad behavior, and I reciprocated by apologizing for my bad behavior. Our mutual behavior during this long discussion would be called an argument by an outside observer.
In my eyes, "argument" implies a long discussion which two people engage with both sides presenting each other's main points. Such a discussion is engaged in so that each side is able to see the other person's point of view. The colloquial term for this aspect of the discussion is called "walking in my/your shoes".
Though the purpose of discussion is to communicate effectively, often through challenges such as inexperience, old age, social isolation and other factors, we see things solely from our point of view alone.
In order to "get the whole picture", it is necessary for people to communicate effectively and present differing points of view so that empathy is shared.
Hopefully, my mother will be aided by our discussion in understanding the family dynamics. For her bluntness is known to "rub people the wrong way."
While I admit that much of my parents' behavior has influenced me, I try not to be blunt and take my time in speaking since getting to the point abruptly tends to upset group harmony.
For now, I feel that New Year's Day was full of moments that enlightened me as to how I view myself and how that view has affected me.
Although my present circumstances reflects such a view, I do not believe that it is a permanent result of "how the way I was raised" but rather a temporary situation I call "dysfunctional self-image."
Additionally, I feel that my mother and I often have long discussions so that we are able to grow close to each other. My way of maintaining the familial ties that bind us together is to engage in argument with my mother so that we both respect each other as individuals.
I recall mentioning to her the phrase "birds of a feather stick together". However, I called this phrase a myth as it implies that like-minded people form a group based a mutual interest when often it is used to imply that a group are all alike.
It's a myth when used in this way because it also implies a "them versus us" mentality. For such a mentality arises when we confront an imagined adversary called "them" who we feel is not the same as us.
This is another case of the "self versus other" dichotomy which I have been writing about in previous articles.
Self and other are not actually adversaries at all.
Rather, when emotions arise, be it anger, hate, love, and other passionate feelings, a person encounters the "fight or flight" response to perceived threat from another person. This threat may be real or imagined, but the result is the same. To counteract this threat, each other engages in a "battle of words" so that the other side is provided with information that helps to determine the ultimate course of "the battle".
This battle is called "argument". Its purpose is to present each person's side in a manner that helps the other side become empathetic towards the other side, whilst helping the other side become of like mind.
In doing so, both side of an argument benefit. Rather than continuing with the myth of "them versus us", it is possible through reasoning and understanding to become like "birds of a feather" who "stick together".
For this is what long discussions I have with my mother are all about!
Showing posts with label family harmony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family harmony. Show all posts
20040413
My family circa the mid-1960's until the present
Public Education's Influence on Shaping Lives
In Grade 1 my sister was friendly and outgoing. In Grade 2, she was subject to punishment by the teacher, who was of the old school, "shame them, guilt them, punish them" for bad behavior.
Two years before, I was called to task along with my male classmate by the Grade 2 teacher over sliding down the slope leading to the fence between school property and the home next door. She brought to our attention the difference in the way boys played and girls played. We were made to feel ashamed for being adventurous boys.
I remember being asked to visit my sister in her Grade 2 class because she was humiliated for having to do studies as punishment. My sister was embarrassed, upset and ashamed, to have me see her like that. After that incident, my mom scolded her for her misbehavior in school, and put her down for failing to live up to her role as "a good girl".
Today I can see that the 1960's was not an enlightened time for boys and girls growing up.
Family Pride == Mother's Way of Keeping Sister Out of Harm's Way
One of my sister's friends was a young girl who was born without a thumb. She was also the daughter of a upper middle class Finnish family, one of the pioneer families of the small town we lived in between 1959 and 1980.
I feel that my sister tried to make friends with her, but there may have been some racism at work here, of which I was oblivious. My sister tried to fit in but there might have been something at work here that led to conduct and behavior problems that our mother objected to, i.e. coming home late from her friends, talking back to her etc.
Concerned for her, my mom used to make my younger sister play the piano. She even bought a piano for her to practice on with the music teacher. My sister soon grew to hate piano lessons, and could only play according to what she was taught, not even improvise.
When she wasn't at it, I'd tap the keys and listen to the sounds that came out of that piano. My sister even said I should try it. I just stuck to playing it by ear when she wasn't practicing, and teasing her when she was trying to practice.
I recall one day my mother, my sister and I even went to a competition. My sister was shy, and not very confident. But my mom made her go up there and play.
Eventually my sister refused to play piano anymore. I feel that part of the reason is that my mother is blunt and not tactful. Out of family pride, she wanted her to succeed, but pushed my sister too hard.
Yet when my sister got married, she encouraged all her four daughters to succeed in ballet and creative dance. She figured it would keep them occupied and off the streets.
As for myself, my ear for music was first honed playing the recorder, a woodwind instrument, in Grade 1. At home, I used to play that a lot between Grade 3 and 6, and off and on during high school. It led to a serious test in grade 7 by the music teacher, and I ended up playing clarinet, but I was never good at it. In grade 12, I abandoned book keeping class in favor of guitar class. For about 8 years afterward, I played guitar by myself, and even composed a few songs.
Amae
I admit that I was spoiled by my mom, and that my elder brother and younger sister were made to do things they didn't feel they wanted to do. However, my mom care about all of us, including my dad. As a child I was made to feel as if I couldn't do a good job washing dishes. Today as an adult, the few times that I do my dishes after a meal at the family home, as my mom asks, I wash them clean.
Our mother also tries to help any of us out when we ask, as much as she is able to.
What I have just briefly described is interdependence within a Westernized Japanese household. It has been described as when each family member is dependent on each other to maintain family harmony. This dependency is known by the Japanese term, amae.
Over the years, I have discovered that family harmony depends on the willingness to be dependent on each other. It requires the willingness to condone past differences, and to control one's ego so as not to ruin "wa", the harmony of the moment.
Parent Habits
The habits I've observed in my mother is starting her stories in the middle and getting to the point, with occasional off hand remarks about other topics, i.e. a newspaper article to show me, etc. She is also beginning to excuse her idiosyncrasies as an excuse to do it more, from time to time.
In my father I had noticed habit of putting down her folks — this seemed to be a shared pastime for them. He also imagined that I am living an extremely bad life. However, he passed away in 2007, and no longer has to worry about me.
Up until his death, they both believed that without their strict control of me, eventually I'd end up the worse for it. This is untrue, for my life has improved over the past fifth years since I moved out on my own.
Current Situation
Today I live with roommates, a couple I care about dearly, both of whom have been my friends for six years.
Since the summer of 2012 I have dedicated my time to providing emotional support. The reason for doing so is to help the female half of the couple adjust to unemployment, which has been rocky.
As for the relationship with my mother, it has improved tremendously over the past two years. Although I admit that in the past my ego used to lead to conflict with her, I had decided to let her and everyone else off the hook.
I find that it is important to keep focused on the present moment. and to maintain a caring and loving attitude. In this way, we work together to maintain family harmony.
amae: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Anatomy_of_Dependence
wa: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wa_%28Japanese_culture%29
In Grade 1 my sister was friendly and outgoing. In Grade 2, she was subject to punishment by the teacher, who was of the old school, "shame them, guilt them, punish them" for bad behavior.
Two years before, I was called to task along with my male classmate by the Grade 2 teacher over sliding down the slope leading to the fence between school property and the home next door. She brought to our attention the difference in the way boys played and girls played. We were made to feel ashamed for being adventurous boys.
I remember being asked to visit my sister in her Grade 2 class because she was humiliated for having to do studies as punishment. My sister was embarrassed, upset and ashamed, to have me see her like that. After that incident, my mom scolded her for her misbehavior in school, and put her down for failing to live up to her role as "a good girl".
Today I can see that the 1960's was not an enlightened time for boys and girls growing up.
Family Pride == Mother's Way of Keeping Sister Out of Harm's Way
One of my sister's friends was a young girl who was born without a thumb. She was also the daughter of a upper middle class Finnish family, one of the pioneer families of the small town we lived in between 1959 and 1980.
I feel that my sister tried to make friends with her, but there may have been some racism at work here, of which I was oblivious. My sister tried to fit in but there might have been something at work here that led to conduct and behavior problems that our mother objected to, i.e. coming home late from her friends, talking back to her etc.
Concerned for her, my mom used to make my younger sister play the piano. She even bought a piano for her to practice on with the music teacher. My sister soon grew to hate piano lessons, and could only play according to what she was taught, not even improvise.
When she wasn't at it, I'd tap the keys and listen to the sounds that came out of that piano. My sister even said I should try it. I just stuck to playing it by ear when she wasn't practicing, and teasing her when she was trying to practice.
I recall one day my mother, my sister and I even went to a competition. My sister was shy, and not very confident. But my mom made her go up there and play.
Eventually my sister refused to play piano anymore. I feel that part of the reason is that my mother is blunt and not tactful. Out of family pride, she wanted her to succeed, but pushed my sister too hard.
Yet when my sister got married, she encouraged all her four daughters to succeed in ballet and creative dance. She figured it would keep them occupied and off the streets.
As for myself, my ear for music was first honed playing the recorder, a woodwind instrument, in Grade 1. At home, I used to play that a lot between Grade 3 and 6, and off and on during high school. It led to a serious test in grade 7 by the music teacher, and I ended up playing clarinet, but I was never good at it. In grade 12, I abandoned book keeping class in favor of guitar class. For about 8 years afterward, I played guitar by myself, and even composed a few songs.
Amae
I admit that I was spoiled by my mom, and that my elder brother and younger sister were made to do things they didn't feel they wanted to do. However, my mom care about all of us, including my dad. As a child I was made to feel as if I couldn't do a good job washing dishes. Today as an adult, the few times that I do my dishes after a meal at the family home, as my mom asks, I wash them clean.
Our mother also tries to help any of us out when we ask, as much as she is able to.
What I have just briefly described is interdependence within a Westernized Japanese household. It has been described as when each family member is dependent on each other to maintain family harmony. This dependency is known by the Japanese term, amae.
Over the years, I have discovered that family harmony depends on the willingness to be dependent on each other. It requires the willingness to condone past differences, and to control one's ego so as not to ruin "wa", the harmony of the moment.
Parent Habits
The habits I've observed in my mother is starting her stories in the middle and getting to the point, with occasional off hand remarks about other topics, i.e. a newspaper article to show me, etc. She is also beginning to excuse her idiosyncrasies as an excuse to do it more, from time to time.
In my father I had noticed habit of putting down her folks — this seemed to be a shared pastime for them. He also imagined that I am living an extremely bad life. However, he passed away in 2007, and no longer has to worry about me.
Up until his death, they both believed that without their strict control of me, eventually I'd end up the worse for it. This is untrue, for my life has improved over the past fifth years since I moved out on my own.
Current Situation
Today I live with roommates, a couple I care about dearly, both of whom have been my friends for six years.
Since the summer of 2012 I have dedicated my time to providing emotional support. The reason for doing so is to help the female half of the couple adjust to unemployment, which has been rocky.
As for the relationship with my mother, it has improved tremendously over the past two years. Although I admit that in the past my ego used to lead to conflict with her, I had decided to let her and everyone else off the hook.
I find that it is important to keep focused on the present moment. and to maintain a caring and loving attitude. In this way, we work together to maintain family harmony.
amae: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Anatomy_of_Dependence
wa: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wa_%28Japanese_culture%29
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