This article is about responsibility, both in my personal life and within a relationship. It is a reflection on how I perceive responsibility, both as a single person and in a relationship. It is a description of how I view my life and the potential of a relationship.
I am solely in charge of my own life. It would be totally irresponsible of me to be totally responsible for another person's life. So when I share my life with other people, the boundaries will rise up when necessary.
Each of us is only responsible for his own life, outside of a loving relationship. It would help to clearly define those boundaries in a relationship so that the other person always is able to handle theirs.
However, true love means that each person in a relationship be emotionally supportive of each other. It does not mean we take responsibility for another person's life. Rather it means that we are responsible for providing emotional support for each other.
Deciding to be responsible for our mutual lives together implies that we be responsible to each other. The whole goal of a relationship is to acting interdependent on each other.
Self-reliance is balanced by reliance on each other for emotional support. It does not imply that we absolve ourselves of being responsible to each other.
I cannot live another person's life. It is enough to live my own. Any potential lover ought to realize that love does not excuse them of behaving in a responsible manner that promotes stability both emotionally and mentally.
Neither side ought to take each other for granted. For that is what love is about: seeing each other as worthy and vital to the relationship.
Returning to my own life, I show responsibility by paying my own bills and taking care of my material needs, from paying rent to paying for food. However, my sense of individuality requires adjustments (less independence) within the context of a relationship.
If I am blessed with a relationship, then so be it.
As for now, I am content with being single. Although the single life is overrated, and the loneliness is sometimes more than I can bear, I plan to take each day as it comes and focus on what the day brings me.
Is being alone so bad? Not really. It only becomes stressful when a tinge of loneliness comes over me. Meditation helps me here, as well as being thankful to all the blessings in my life.
Such blessings include being alive, the ability to feel emotions and maintain emotional control, having a job, paying bills, discussing matters of importance with my friends, visiting my mother weekly, and maintaining control over my life.
Most certainly, falling in love with a lover is also a blessing. In fact, it is a double blessing since we would be blessed with each other's presence. Hopefully our mutual respect for each other will moderate our love for each other.
In a relationship, each party wants to care for the other person's feelings and discuss their expectations in the relationship to make it work and last a long time. Then they can work towards the goal of balancing their sense of self with sense of selflessness that a relationship demands.
By selflessness is meant emotional support for the other person's emotional well being, and the willingness to sacrifice selfish desires for the willingness to share resources to help exist as a couple.
Both partners in a relationship develop a sense of us to complement the sense of self as individual. Thus there is a sharing of resources and of their time together.
I find a relationship to be moderately stressful because my own independence is compromised by the interdependence on which a relationship is based. There is less alone time and more times together, and sometimes this leads me to go with the flow and see what happens.
This is because the unknown qualities of the relationship exist. Unless she sincerely shares her thoughts with me about us and the relationship, I do not know what she wants from the relationship. Likewise, unless I share my thoughts with her about us and the relationship, she would not know what she wants from the relationship.
However, I do see that the anxiety I have about a relationship is based on the shortness of previous relationships that I have had. Perhaps I am intimidated by being with a woman, and this affects both my thoughts and feelings about myself and about her.
Overall, I realize that the stress of being in a relationship is a given. As well, my coping skills have improved over the years so I am prepared for a relationship, should it arise.
Yet I would much rather remain single because of the freedom. Yet I also realize there is freedom in a relationship i.e. by relying on a partner, a person does not have to be totally self reliant, though it is useful to maintain self reliance when apart for extended periods of time.
Why do I like being single as opposed to being in a relationship? I am free of responsibilities that come with being in a relationship i.e. shared life, mutual interdependence, and sense of us.
I doubt that I am that selfish that I cannot handle being in a relationship. At the moment, I am not that selfless yet so as to be able to fully exist as a partner for another person.
As I said, if it happens, then it happens. Being single is not that selfish of a relationship when my thoughts are on my friends, my family and even strangers. It depends on the situation, but I have a handle on my life.
In any case, I am blessed with being single and am comfortable with being alone. My loneliness is handled through a strong reliance on meditation and prayer, along with sublimation of desire by reading books and inspirational material. I also keep a journal and post often to this blog.
Showing posts with label individuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label individuality. Show all posts
20131204
Wake up Sheeple!! (satire)
Attention Sheeple: wake up from the dangers of the status quo!
I feel that society is antisocial when it lies about itself via mass media e.g. promotes a heteronormative and sexist status quo at the expense of homosexuals and women.
As well, youth culture that promotes ageism is also antisocial.
Thus it is society that promotes antisocial behavior when it deems anything the minority thinks is cool to be uncool and counter to the status quo of conformity.
Social norms only promote what is supposed to be normal within a cultural group.
Such norms become antisocial when they promote group harmony at the expense of honesty between members of that group.
When society promotes sincerity by promoting falsehoods to maintain status quo while calling it truth and penalizes anyone who exposes it, the seeds of antisocial behaviour are sown.
Are you still willing to remain sheeple?
Originally written October 26, 2013 at 3:38 AM
I feel that society is antisocial when it lies about itself via mass media e.g. promotes a heteronormative and sexist status quo at the expense of homosexuals and women.
As well, youth culture that promotes ageism is also antisocial.
Thus it is society that promotes antisocial behavior when it deems anything the minority thinks is cool to be uncool and counter to the status quo of conformity.
Social norms only promote what is supposed to be normal within a cultural group.
Such norms become antisocial when they promote group harmony at the expense of honesty between members of that group.
When society promotes sincerity by promoting falsehoods to maintain status quo while calling it truth and penalizes anyone who exposes it, the seeds of antisocial behaviour are sown.
Are you still willing to remain sheeple?
Originally written October 26, 2013 at 3:38 AM
20130115
The Threat of Individualism
It's socially impossible to affirm that "I am an individual, apart from others."
For every one of us is in relationships with other people, be it family, friends or loved ones. Therefore, individuality is a myth designed to isolate us from each other.
We do not exist as individuals; we exist as people who do not determine our worth by the individual but by our communities.
Thus, the myth of the individual is found to be a most dehumanizing thing, because it actually isn't what makes us human, for it socially isolates each person.
For individuality is not freedom; yet each of us yearns for liberation from the group, even though the group needs us to ensure harmony.
Anyone who denies that the myth of individuality is the cause of our society breaking down should deal with living in a city with a population of 250,000 strangers.
Any criminal may be caught up in the myth of individuality. Indeed, it may be the cause of crime, because such a person is sure to have given in to his selfish needs.
Therefore, individuality, being the myth that it is, is a threat to humanity's survival as a society.
For every one of us is in relationships with other people, be it family, friends or loved ones. Therefore, individuality is a myth designed to isolate us from each other.
We do not exist as individuals; we exist as people who do not determine our worth by the individual but by our communities.
Thus, the myth of the individual is found to be a most dehumanizing thing, because it actually isn't what makes us human, for it socially isolates each person.
For individuality is not freedom; yet each of us yearns for liberation from the group, even though the group needs us to ensure harmony.
Anyone who denies that the myth of individuality is the cause of our society breaking down should deal with living in a city with a population of 250,000 strangers.
Any criminal may be caught up in the myth of individuality. Indeed, it may be the cause of crime, because such a person is sure to have given in to his selfish needs.
Therefore, individuality, being the myth that it is, is a threat to humanity's survival as a society.
20130103
Birds of a Feather Stick Together
One New Year's Day, my mother and I had a long discussion about how we treat each other. When she hears me talking in a manner that upsets her, she would use this argument to get me to behave:
"You talk as though you're smart, but you are not."
After she repeated this three times, I replied, "You know how this makes me feel? Like I am really this small."
I also told her that saying such things is like a form of brainwashing (emotional abuse).
When a person in authority, such as a parent, repeats such phrases, s/he is engaging in psychological warfare, even when it's within the family. The purpose of repeating such phrases is to break down the walls of defense of another family member, usually the child.
This is how a parent tries to control the behavior of her child. However, When a parent talks this way to her adult child, he will try to get her to understand the family dynamics by explaining to her how her words make him feel. For the purpose of getting a parent feedback is to help her see that her words do affect his self image.
In the case of my mother and I, her words may have made me feel as though I am weak and helpless when I was a child. Now that I am an adult, it just makes me feel small. Such belittling by the parent is done to help her feel as though she is in control.
During our discussion, my mother vowed to stay silent but broke that vow until I pointed it out to her. Finally, after I finished my New Year's Day dinner, I thanked her for it.
Later on that evening, my mother apologized for her bad behavior, and I reciprocated by apologizing for my bad behavior. Our mutual behavior during this long discussion would be called an argument by an outside observer.
In my eyes, "argument" implies a long discussion which two people engage with both sides presenting each other's main points. Such a discussion is engaged in so that each side is able to see the other person's point of view. The colloquial term for this aspect of the discussion is called "walking in my/your shoes".
Though the purpose of discussion is to communicate effectively, often through challenges such as inexperience, old age, social isolation and other factors, we see things solely from our point of view alone.
In order to "get the whole picture", it is necessary for people to communicate effectively and present differing points of view so that empathy is shared.
Hopefully, my mother will be aided by our discussion in understanding the family dynamics. For her bluntness is known to "rub people the wrong way."
While I admit that much of my parents' behavior has influenced me, I try not to be blunt and take my time in speaking since getting to the point abruptly tends to upset group harmony.
For now, I feel that New Year's Day was full of moments that enlightened me as to how I view myself and how that view has affected me.
Although my present circumstances reflects such a view, I do not believe that it is a permanent result of "how the way I was raised" but rather a temporary situation I call "dysfunctional self-image."
Additionally, I feel that my mother and I often have long discussions so that we are able to grow close to each other. My way of maintaining the familial ties that bind us together is to engage in argument with my mother so that we both respect each other as individuals.
I recall mentioning to her the phrase "birds of a feather stick together". However, I called this phrase a myth as it implies that like-minded people form a group based a mutual interest when often it is used to imply that a group are all alike.
It's a myth when used in this way because it also implies a "them versus us" mentality. For such a mentality arises when we confront an imagined adversary called "them" who we feel is not the same as us.
This is another case of the "self versus other" dichotomy which I have been writing about in previous articles.
Self and other are not actually adversaries at all.
Rather, when emotions arise, be it anger, hate, love, and other passionate feelings, a person encounters the "fight or flight" response to perceived threat from another person. This threat may be real or imagined, but the result is the same. To counteract this threat, each other engages in a "battle of words" so that the other side is provided with information that helps to determine the ultimate course of "the battle".
This battle is called "argument". Its purpose is to present each person's side in a manner that helps the other side become empathetic towards the other side, whilst helping the other side become of like mind.
In doing so, both side of an argument benefit. Rather than continuing with the myth of "them versus us", it is possible through reasoning and understanding to become like "birds of a feather" who "stick together".
For this is what long discussions I have with my mother are all about!
"You talk as though you're smart, but you are not."
After she repeated this three times, I replied, "You know how this makes me feel? Like I am really this small."
I also told her that saying such things is like a form of brainwashing (emotional abuse).
When a person in authority, such as a parent, repeats such phrases, s/he is engaging in psychological warfare, even when it's within the family. The purpose of repeating such phrases is to break down the walls of defense of another family member, usually the child.
This is how a parent tries to control the behavior of her child. However, When a parent talks this way to her adult child, he will try to get her to understand the family dynamics by explaining to her how her words make him feel. For the purpose of getting a parent feedback is to help her see that her words do affect his self image.
In the case of my mother and I, her words may have made me feel as though I am weak and helpless when I was a child. Now that I am an adult, it just makes me feel small. Such belittling by the parent is done to help her feel as though she is in control.
During our discussion, my mother vowed to stay silent but broke that vow until I pointed it out to her. Finally, after I finished my New Year's Day dinner, I thanked her for it.
Later on that evening, my mother apologized for her bad behavior, and I reciprocated by apologizing for my bad behavior. Our mutual behavior during this long discussion would be called an argument by an outside observer.
In my eyes, "argument" implies a long discussion which two people engage with both sides presenting each other's main points. Such a discussion is engaged in so that each side is able to see the other person's point of view. The colloquial term for this aspect of the discussion is called "walking in my/your shoes".
Though the purpose of discussion is to communicate effectively, often through challenges such as inexperience, old age, social isolation and other factors, we see things solely from our point of view alone.
In order to "get the whole picture", it is necessary for people to communicate effectively and present differing points of view so that empathy is shared.
Hopefully, my mother will be aided by our discussion in understanding the family dynamics. For her bluntness is known to "rub people the wrong way."
While I admit that much of my parents' behavior has influenced me, I try not to be blunt and take my time in speaking since getting to the point abruptly tends to upset group harmony.
For now, I feel that New Year's Day was full of moments that enlightened me as to how I view myself and how that view has affected me.
Although my present circumstances reflects such a view, I do not believe that it is a permanent result of "how the way I was raised" but rather a temporary situation I call "dysfunctional self-image."
Additionally, I feel that my mother and I often have long discussions so that we are able to grow close to each other. My way of maintaining the familial ties that bind us together is to engage in argument with my mother so that we both respect each other as individuals.
I recall mentioning to her the phrase "birds of a feather stick together". However, I called this phrase a myth as it implies that like-minded people form a group based a mutual interest when often it is used to imply that a group are all alike.
It's a myth when used in this way because it also implies a "them versus us" mentality. For such a mentality arises when we confront an imagined adversary called "them" who we feel is not the same as us.
This is another case of the "self versus other" dichotomy which I have been writing about in previous articles.
Self and other are not actually adversaries at all.
Rather, when emotions arise, be it anger, hate, love, and other passionate feelings, a person encounters the "fight or flight" response to perceived threat from another person. This threat may be real or imagined, but the result is the same. To counteract this threat, each other engages in a "battle of words" so that the other side is provided with information that helps to determine the ultimate course of "the battle".
This battle is called "argument". Its purpose is to present each person's side in a manner that helps the other side become empathetic towards the other side, whilst helping the other side become of like mind.
In doing so, both side of an argument benefit. Rather than continuing with the myth of "them versus us", it is possible through reasoning and understanding to become like "birds of a feather" who "stick together".
For this is what long discussions I have with my mother are all about!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)