December 31, 2005: I vaguely recall when I worked last. Over two days I talked to over 20 people, for a brief time, but it was work-related.
...I like work, but these anxiety attacks due to mild traumatic brain injury (MTBI) mitigate the stress of having to deal with people who push past me worsens the partial complex seizures.
Perhaps the psychiatric affect of having to adapt to seizures leads to the disorder. It takes time to focus and not go about my day in a daze.
I even may be beset by anxiety, or a delusion, or even tics in the muscles around my right or left eye, or the fuzzy feeling when I know I've talked out of turn in front of my roommate.
This time my mental discipline is such that I can control my mind: this fatigue will not result in emotional turmoil, or guilt, or backbiting or even the habit of self-blame and shame.
I shall be the Good Buddhist.
Even though I may have anxiety attacks, and sometimes go into my own little world temporarily under stress, I feel that little by little, more and more, I am able to both speak the truth and transcend my disability by being quiet yet direct when need be.
That's one of the ways of being a good Buddhist is about: to be quiet yet direct when called upon.
As a Buddhist I also must persevere in adversity.
Adversity is usually the emotional reaction to conflict in relationships.
There's always miscommunication in relationships — until we talk with each other, practising deep listening, and transcend the initial "talking-to", it's a given.
Yet it makes sense to practise deep listening always.
What is deep listening? It's when I stop listening with my ears and thinking with my head, which tries to stay one step ahead of my friends, and start listening with compassion for the person speaking to me.
This is known literally as "listening attentively" and is figuratively called "listening with my heart".
When I listen with my heart, deep listening is the result.
Instead of a quick response to what a friend has told me, when I think I may have misunderstood I listen and ask for clarification.
Later when the circumstances call for it, I may give feedback to the friend which shows a lot of constructive thinking I have done about what he or she has told me.
Feedback occurs when the friend has made it clear in the conversation that he or she values my careful, deliberate yet thoughtful response.
Thus, goodness with respect to being a Buddhist can be defined as being caring and kind, gentle, sensitive to other people's needs yet knowing one's own limits.
In the Serenity Prayer, I know of the concept of limits: serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Limits imply being human, prone to error. This is why the prayer begins with "God grant me", which implies the limits of human action.
"Yes, but you are a Buddhist. What's up with a commentary on the Serenity Prayer?"
As a Buddhist, I am aware that human limitations are a given. So I am using the Prayer as an example of how to accept the human condition as-is, to relieve the suffering that arises.
However, I know that it is the direct action of meditation which grants me serenity.
As a result of a calm and sober mindset, I am able to practise acceptance of things I cannot change: for example, the emotional and physical scars of illness or injury.
In accepting those scars, I am able to develop strategies which encourage me to change the things I can: how I treat those scars i.e. to heal them through patience and the growing ability to forgive and forget wrongs.
Indeed, Buddha Remembrance through recitation of the Nembutsu aids in peace of mind, adaptation (changing the things I can), and wisdom (to know the difference).
For the discriminating mind is wise when moderated by love.
I find no use in trying to stay one step ahead of other people.
My plan is to get to the point where I am in synch with people.
Update:
March 5, 2013: In the past seven years, I have matured to the point where nothing truly bothers me. It becomes easy to adapt to change, and the fears which brought out anxiety are less frequent.
Even when things go wrong, they don't stay that way for long. I've returned to my Buddhist roots, meditate daily, practice breathe meditation occasionally, and Buddha Recitation. Nothing truly bothers me.
A Buddhist is a sentient being, and consequently, the "good Buddhist" is the ideal. For nobody's perfect.
However, my imperfections are many yet I aim for acting nonjudgmental towards all sentient being, acting conscientious in all my affairs and being diligent both at work and at home.
Originally posted: December 31, 205 1807H
Update posted: March 5, 2013 1118H
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