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Diary Entry 20130422 0704H Insomnia - Tardis Log (non-canon)

Tardis Log
Planet: Earth
Location: London
Date and Time: April 22, 2013 0800H

Transcript of conversation with Doctor by Tardis

The Doctor has been enamoured with the new Companion. It has been noteable that we had first found her on the Dalek planet for his foes he defeated, sometimes with my help.

After losing Amy Pond and Rory Williams to a relative of the weeping angels in a space-time continuum which I'll never survive, we had met her great-great aunt, also named Clara Oswim Oswald.

This post-modern version has the same spunk and energy, and might truly be a match for the Doctor. At some point, I lost the ability to transcend time but could easily transcend space with ease.

I'm not sure if it is more than the usual possessive rivalry I feel for the same companions that I chose. After all, I picked the Doctor for his adventures after the war which left him the last of his world.

Yet it bothers me greatly to see the Doctor is also quite peeved about this decective from America, who it appears is not only protecting the fixed point in time, Enid Blyton, but also Clara is somehow attracted to him. I don't like that at all.

So earlier today I sent the emergency protocol avatar to confront Carla, Enid and The Doctor.

On board the Tardis, the Doctor overhears Carla talking to someone who sound like her.

"As this is the image you are able to adapt to, I have chosen it."

"But you're not me. I admit I fancy being able to talk to myself from time to time, but really..."

Tardis replaces Carla avatar with Doctor Avatar. "Would you rather there be two Doctors to talk to? One to fight with, and other who can outtalk even you for a change?

Doctor walks in to confront Tardis Doctor avatar.

"No, no, no, NO! Tardis, I forbid you to use am image of me to talk to my companions.

Avatar fades as Tardis says "Until next time... soon. Au revoir!"

"Clara, if you had noticed, we're back in London..."

"Doctor, how nice? Near where I live."

"No, um.. . no time when you live either."

"What? Some of my clothes are dirty. Just an afternoon wearing them, then?"

"I'm afraid not. Your story of your grandmother reading Enid Blyton stories led me to the time when she first started writing. It was circa 1930s, a handsome detective... rumors of a hidden romance, embarrasssment on exposure, and the detective returned home!"

"Back to France, I hope. Inspector Poirot?"

"No, he was a fictional character by another female author, Agatha Christie who I met once in the English Moors."

"The Mooors?"

"Yes, a dreary place, I thought," said the Doctor

"I visited it once," said Clara, "and walked to the train station to await one home."

"My first Moors trip was dull, dull, dull. Sorta like lots of dark matter that you can't see but the Tardis is impervious to the nasty x-rays and gamma rays."

"Okay," said Carla, "so we both agree the Moors are dull."

"Quite, but in my case, I still had fun a long time ago. Or was it sometime in the future? No matter. Enid Blyton's had a fan in your grandmother when she was a child."

"So? I find her stories are suitable to young children before they develop a mind of their own, and the energy to sustain it."

"Well, you were fond of your Nana!"

"Yes, but once I made up my mind to be an indepedent thinker, Blyton's stories lacked the role model I desparately wanted. Then again books are sometimes rubbish written to show off your college diploma."

"Even in Gallifrey, I had the equivalent education and then some. Then there's the fly by the seat of your pants that the Tardis provides."

"Tell me, is the Tardis jealous of me? You mentioned that you once met it, I mean her, once."

"It was like talking with my wife, actually, though I am currently still married to River Song, but I think she might've died when we first met in my Tenth incarnation. Well, I think it was. Anyway..."

"Anyway, let's talk to Enid Blyton, encourage her to continue writing, and don't let the detective romance her."


Sop anyway, both the Doctor and Carla went to visit the Blyton family. She's married, wrote her fiction for middle school and younger. As a teacher, this was the audience she wrote about. We are here before she wrote the first Noddy book, which became politically incorrect even during the war days.

Of course, now it's really boring to middle school children. However, the Doctor said "Enid and I share a connection in that writing the language of conversation with colloquial term needs to be censored so as not to lead to the traumatizing by one's parents over slang and sometimes profanity. Besides, the lessers fill their chatter with obscenities because they like to keep their simple speech as raw as possible."


Anyway, the Doctor and Carla meet Enid Blyton. She's doting on the model for her noddy, a young lady who later made it to Cambridge, and is a writer. Douglas Adams. Wrote a parody about me in which the starship Titanic injured me. It took awhile to replace the Blue Box with authentic wood I "grew" myself. Symthesized.

The Tenth Human Doctor in the pocket universe, who's married to Rose Tyler. He's almost synthesized, got a bit of the Doctor but a human heart. It's like Donna's subconscious plus my influence pulled that ending to Rose Tyler's time as companion.

That girl had potential: if I hadn't given her Vortex energy, all would have been lost for her and the Doctor.


The Doctor: Tardis avatar, please show yourself in an image pleasing to me.
Tardis avatar (as his wife from the planet long ago): Yes, I am here. What's going on?
The Doctor: I'm pretty it wouldn't be hard for you to find out, as you're close enough to provide translation for the maid.
Tardis avatar: Yes, well, Gaelic, be it Scots or Irish proper, alway needs a translation.
The Doctor: But this was Welsh English. Not Gaelic but Brythonic.
Tardis avatar: It was Welsh English, is it? Ere ye try as try can.
The Doctor: that's not English the Welsh spoke. Anyway, I meant the Americanisms of that detective.
Tardis avatar: Out of place, is he?
The Doctor: Yes, he used "shiney" in the same way children use "cool." Nobody from before Pearl Harbor used either terms, so it is possible he is an anarchonistic point in time, from Earth's future, perhaps a cultic Noddy fan from a nomadic Earth colonozer for nearby planets of a nearby star.
Tardis avatar: ...or worse, is not unlike that annoying fellow that kept hitting on friends, men and women alike.
The Doctor: (amazed but seems to have forgotten "Captain Jack") Hey, previous incarnation's doing. Besides, I always thought he'd be the best companion but is a bit shifty.

[at this point, Detective Knight arrives. He looks concerned, but still approaches the Tardis avatar hologram - and accidentally walks through her.

Tardis avatar (in Amy Pond voice with change in appearance) Well, shiver me timbers, a lad who walked right through me! Wooh!

Detective Knight (surprised, but looks wasted, must have been drinking with Blyton's husband in his study. A confirmed saké and tonic man) Nice 3D holo. (grins)

[rubs left chest area where derringer is]

Doctor: (to Knight) Mr Knight, Detective... Welcome to my humble abode!
Knight: (whispers) You blown my cover!
Doctor: Say wat?
Tardis avatar: (as Amy) So says the reject from another planet with a ship held together by baling wire.
Knight: excuse me? And you are?
Doctor: Thomas, my wife Tardis.
Knight: honored.
Tardis avatar; (as wife, not River Song!) Aren't you supposed to be babysitting an assassin savant from Blue Sun?
Knight: never heard of that. My name in this time period's Thomas Knight. oh, and I'm wasted.
Doctor: (annoyed) Drinking... Never had the habit. Red wine's horrible. no hard stuff. makes my heart timing go wonky. (fiddles a switch) here... (pulls out a cup that's got dry ice smoke folowing) ...try this!
Knight: what's this? (receives cup and sniffs)
Tardis avatar: exotic space spice panacea for ethanol intoxication.
Knight: say what?
Doctor: a relative of liquorice, gene modified, liver tonic, and safer than pills from the family doctor.
Avatar: also used as air scrubbing plant to convert carbon dioxide in Tardis to oxygen. It's in the sun room.
Knight: You guys got it right, but the comment to Ms Blyton's isn't right.
Doctor: you're gonna have to ask Carla to apologize. I didn't wing that zinger off my tongue.
Knight: Adultery? To a teacher of schoolchildren who is married in 1941.
Avatar: Yes, April 22, 1941 with return to Carla's place in 2013 to occur 235H, 8 hours aaway.
Doctor: But I've seen closer interaction with Carla and Miss Blyton. Plus she's not married. She's a spinster teacher.
Knight: I thought, married. Makes it easier to guard her, to protect her.
Doctor: and what's the details on that? Some plan some guy invented for you, perhaps a criminal.
Knight: No, I was born off-world. fought in the war of independence but lost.
Doctor: American?
Knight: not even close. So I was talking both women honorably. Honest!
Doctor: You actually click with Carla than she does with me. This is an anomoly.
Avatar: Anomaly.
Doctor: Anomaly, like you standout like a sore thumb.
Knight: No problem from MI5.
Doctor: the War needed their propaganda. Now it's in the English mass media.
Knight: No! (fakes amazement) Is that why it's dot rather than dot com period?
Avatar: (morphs to Rose, then Astrid, to Amy Pond, znd fades to wife of Doctor (not River Song) Mass media is controlled by the spy agency of a nation. Areopagita. Publisher rights. The writer thus is reduced to 10-25 cents a word!
Knight: If I wrote a 100,000 word novel, that'd be $25,000 advance with 5% royalties on books and merchandise sold through Indigo.
Doctor: will you pipe down, dear tardis?
Tardis: (to self) time to bug Carla! Woopee!

Carla: (outside tardis) Will you just walk out of the Tardis like a human being?
tardis as carala avatar: I thought it would be nice to talk to me. we make a truce?"
Carla: A truce when you provide English instructions for driving the Tardis when the Doctor's in the bowls of it.

[Knight's head appears when Tardis open from inside)
Carla: oh lookie here: fake detective, possible captain of a space junk!
Knight: What'd I do wrong to give myself away?
Carla: The derringer is so Victorian
Doctor: Oh, and when did you get the time vortex manipulator.
Knight: It's invented by an associate who was 18 at the time.
Doctor: In your pocket universe? ..Is it stable, even?
Knight: It's got fans! (grins)
Doctor: oh, you have a cult based on your pocket universe? What's its name?
Knight: Firefly.
Doctor: Oh, after the ship even though it would have crashed without that associate's flying skills.
Knight: gifted child. Kicks me out when she wants to talk to the ship, Firefly.
Doctor: (whips out the usual metal device with green light that makes funny noises)
Your vortex manipulator is BIG!
Knight: It's the ship like your Tardis, only bigger.
Doctor: Ok that makes it harder to steal. The one River Song and Jack stole... it being small had to have been a factor.
Knight: yes, myself, a mercenary who's fast on the draw but slow in the head (thinks all about guns and bombs)
Doctor: this is why I prefer one companion and maybe a well behaved gentleman like yourself.
Knight: sure thanks.
Doctor: real name? Please? I might be a fan too.
Knight: Malcom, call me Mal, everyone does.
Doctor and "Knght" shakes hands.
Knight: in cognito, capishe?
Doctor: yes, of course, your vortex manipulator is just a bigger Tardis. Does it have a Time Vortex?
Knight: my associate, she said it opens a big whole into the time vortex. then she had to add jargon to mess up my memory.

Flrefly Theme slowly builds

Knight: well, I gotta get back to my ship, Doctor. Would you like to see the time vortex attractor on the manipulator?
Doctor: well I could but if anything went wrong, how to I reduce here?
Knight: another time.

Malcolm Reynolds walks to the opened bay up the walkway. A hum that has a "woohoo-crunk" to it begins as the bay doors hermetically sealed. Then the Firefly Serenity rises and takes off, dropping another ceramic heat shield. As the ship reaches the speed needed to transcend the space-time continuum without dragging all mass with you. The hum now is replaced by a "Good-bye".

(Remix of Ballad of Serenity and short version of Doctor Who Theme play to fade.)

Avatar: Aloha, son!

(Ceramic heat shield tiling falls near the Doctor and Clara.)
Doctor: Incoming!
(Clara leaps into Tardis with Doctor right behind.)

(Dr Who intro to fade black, show Serenity disappear high in the sky)
(Firefly ending theme to fade to blacl)

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