20131128

Viva La Bieb Libre or Jah Bieber Forevah (parody)

Disclaimer: Note: this work of art is subject to change. It is a parody of false death reports about Justin Bieber. Like rumors it will evolve over time. ;)

Apologies to Beliebers. I take no responsibility for any Bieber fan or all legal representatives of Justin Bieber who may be offended by this satirical parody. Being a work of fiction, all places and names deliberately mentioning said celebrity and his fans have no actual basis in reality at all.

Nothing in this work of fiction is worth more than the time it takes to read it, which should take less than fifteen minutes.

Thus the author is only liable for your laughter.

Let me start the humour rolling by ending this legal disclaimer by saying loud and clear, "Dude, I don't have a net worth. I'm not a corporation."

It's 2036 and news of Justin Bieber's death has led to an outpouring of grief.

Meanwhile, the gossips among the televangelists roast him, claiming he is in hell for abandoning God, reminding everyone of the Rio hijinks when he paid $1500 for two Brazilian prostitutes and later, in a rage after not being allow those women in his hotel, spraypainting grafitti.

Rumors have spread that Bieber died under similar circumstances to other celebrities like Elvis and Anna Nicole Smith. Autoposy of his body indicates cirrhosis of the liver, indicating chronic alcoholism.

Over the years since the Rio incident, Bieber had made billions of dollars, become a philanthropist, and retired only 12 years earlier (2024).

Rumors exist that the mother of the paparazzi accidentally killed by car driven by one of the Bieber entourage made peace with the entertainer and settled out of court with both the CHP and the driver for an disclosed amount.

Prior to his death, he had gone on a worldwide tour, displaying the same behavior learned in Rio only more discreetly.

The bad news is the Bieb is dead.

The good news is, he died during the best sex ever.

Thousands of Bieber fans rioted in a quiet Toronto suburb where the Bieb grew up causing millions of dollars in damage to his statue which he donated back in 2025, a year after retiring. The late Bieber had taken up sculpture in an attempt to wrestle with his inner demons.

At the time of the unveiling of the statue the Bieb was heard to say "This is an abstract caricature of me."

A young woman was heard to remark, "WTF, Justin! That looks like your monkey!"

At that point Justin Bieber turned from his art and yelled "Selena?"

To which the woman replied "Wrong! I'm your first ex-wife." Then she faded into the crowd.

For the next decade the Bieb weathered a cycle of relapses and recovery while tutoring young guitarists as part of his probation for a variety of alcohol-related misdemeanors.

However on April 1, 2035 he recovered completely thanks to approval globally of complete legalization of recreational drugs and the closure of the defunct UN Drug Policy committee.

Since this meant such drugs would be cheaper than a vodka cooler at the liquor store, the Bieb went full Rastafarian and grew his own medical marijuana to share with the world.

Now a recovered alcoholic Bieber rediscovered Jah and got together his former entourage, the ones that managed to avoid becoming thugs.

Then in late 2035 after practicing for months he started his Bieber All Right Global Tour to share his comeback tour.

Rumor has it that the Bieb reconciled with his first ex-wife who'd mocked his statue 11 years earlier. However they officially remained on friendly terms as the divorce had a clause in it that protects her privacy including alimony amount.

One anonymous source was quoted as saying "Da Bieb's ex, she pwn'd him when dey split. She a smart shawty!"

They were married from 2018-2021.

Gossip rags reported rumors of stalking by the Bieb circa 2022 of his ex wife but the truth is, she was, is still his number one fan. It just sounds juicier to call Bieber the stalker. >:)

Another anonymous source claims she knows Mrs Justin Bieber when they were kids.

"Let me assure you, she could tell you details of Justin's history and even the Rio incident. He never sprayed grafitti illegally. As well, the entourage picked the two hookers. He just paid the tab. He was going to rest after the concert."

In short, the ex Mrs Justin Bieber was a die hard fan. It must have been hard to keep secrets from her.

As for the Bieber estate it will fund the J Bieber Foundation which provides Jah globally.

When asked about the Bieb dying a certain British rocker quipped, "He died before the last rolling stone, but his foundation will get the world stoned."

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