Behold! The Angel of Music Stands Before You (satire)

If Justin Bieber is the angel of music, as depicted in his act, then he has stolen it from Lucifer.

This implies that Justin Bieber may be Pentecostal in his beliefs, since they have redeemed a lot of previously satanic practices, including speaking in tongues, and also Ouija boards.

However, most Christians tend to have disbelief in the Oneness of God, having fallen to the blasphemy that the Christ is God. A few of them even profess an unhealthy fear of the devil. Most Christians would be better off fearing only God.

Sadly though, the unhealthy practice of deeming ungodliness as satanic is prevalent among Christians, to the point where they practice a good versus evil dichotomy by equally fearing both God and Satan.

How foolish! No wonder a lot of Muslims have stated Christians will spend the afterlife before the Fire.

It's no coincidence that Bieber comes to the stage as the angel of music after admitting to be a Christian and praying before each act.

According to belief, Lucifer was the ministry of music and the most beautiful and “perfect” of all the angels before becoming jealous of God’s power, leaving God with no other choice than to throw him out of heaven.

Justin Bieber cashes in on this symbolism by having a bunch of speakers as "wings" as he swoops down to the stage. It is like he took back from the devil what is rightly God's.

So, in a metaphorical sense, Justin Bieber is the angel of music reborn.

Let us hope this angel can clean his wings of his past sins and redeem himself soon.

Oh, and please do not marry Selena for the sake of world peace!

If Selena and Justin get Married, Then We are Doomed (satire)

Apologies to the doomsayers of Protestant Christianity, but I feel that this is apt, considering how much you guys preach against Hollywood.

Selena's camp think it's a bad idea, because nothing good comes of mixing Catholic and Protestants when the latter tends to be caught giving in to temptation. If this guy is a good Christian, then I'm not going to hell, even though I am a Buddhist and my ideology is sometimes deemed New Age and thus implies my destination in the afterlife isn't heaven.

Of course not.

My destination is the Pure Land. It is not even a Buddhist heaven. It is just a place for angels to be instructed on Enlightenment before our reassignment to either the Six Realms of Desire or wherever our karma takes us.

Returning to Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, were I a Revelations fan, Chapter 17 might describe Hollywood. The Genesis quote implies the battle of the sexes.

My use of the doomsday myth is to poke fun at the Christians, both the Catholics and the Protestants, who love Justin and Selena.

If you are Christian and have no sense of humour, then I feel sorry for you.

Could Meditation Save Celebrities? (satire)

Christianity has not kept either Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber on the straight and narrow, due to the fallacy of good and evil as pre-existing humanity both of which were reified into God and Satan.

Yes, I am suggesting that belief in God suggests belief in Satan, and am also suggesting that satan subtly influences Christians to sin. Hence the drug abuse by both stars.

Might I suggest both Justin and Selena try more meditation on Bible scripture instead of merely praying?

Hey, it worked for Leonard Cohen, who kicked his drug addiction with meditation.

No, I am not suggesting any celebrity convert to Buddhism. Meditation is not Buddhism. However, meditation works.

Selena Gomez particularly needs to spend six weeks in rehab. Two weeks does not cut it.

In my opinion, Justin Bieber will not enter rehab for a long time, since his brand of Christianity appeals to narcissists, including his mother, who recently filmed an anti-abortion movie in order to promote the idea that abortions prevent the birth of tomorrow's celebrities and other Christians, and thus is a sin.

I believe that abortion is preferable if the girl is underaged and immature. It is obvious that Justin's mother was not underaged at 17 but Jeremy Bieber was too egotistical and a subtle narcissist. His arrest record seems to prove that. I make this conclusion because he and Justin's mother never married. Instead, he found a woman who was less head-strong than Justin's mom.

My suspicion is that narcissism fuels these celebrities' addiction. It is reported that Selena Gomez's competitiveness led to her outdrinking and out-toking the Bieb, though it was Justin who pressured her to try weed.

So I propose a better solution to the drug addiction plaguing both celebrities: learn to meditate. It will settle you both down.

It is also safer than Scientology.

My own exposure to Buddhism and especially meditation helped me to understand that when ego is in control, the root of addiction is created. Meditation works by helping the meditator to be in control of his ego, lest addictions arise and destroy him.

Meditation also helped me to understand why Christianity will not prevent addiction, since the root of the problem caused when Christians abuse children is due to the ego being in control.

However, I am not suggesting that the ego is satanic. Rather, an untrained mind cannot control ego. Hence, meditation works because it puts the mind in control of the ego, rather than letting the ego control the mind.

Additionally, because meditation is not a religion, meditative practice (mindfulness) is useful to all faiths. YMMV

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Leonard Cohen beat drugs by meditating: http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/top-10-celebrity-buddhists

Meditation's Role in Drug Addiction Recovery: http://www.neurosoup.com/meditations-role-in-drug-addiction-recovery/

Mindfulness: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness_(Buddhism)

Jeremy Bieber not a good role model: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2553553/How-Justin-Biebers-father-Jeremy-arrested-assault-twice-sentenced-jail-one-occasion.html

Jeremy Bieber dumped Justin Bieber as a baby and came back to land him in jail: http://www.capitalbay.com/news/462088-jeremy-bieber-dumped-justin-bieber-as-a-baby-and-came-back-to-land-him-in-jail.html

Viva La Bieb Libre or Jah Bieber Forevah (parody)

Disclaimer: Note: this work of art is subject to change. It is a parody of false death reports about Justin Bieber. Like rumors it will evolve over time. ;)

Apologies to Beliebers. I take no responsibility for any Bieber fan or all legal representatives of Justin Bieber who may be offended by this satirical parody. Being a work of fiction, all places and names deliberately mentioning said celebrity and his fans have no actual basis in reality at all.

Nothing in this work of fiction is worth more than the time it takes to read it, which should take less than fifteen minutes.

Thus the author is only liable for your laughter.

Let me start the humour rolling by ending this legal disclaimer by saying loud and clear, "Dude, I don't have a net worth. I'm not a corporation."

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It's 2036 and news of Justin Bieber's death has led to an outpouring of grief.

Meanwhile, the gossips among the televangelists roast him, claiming he is in hell for abandoning God, reminding everyone of the Rio hijinks when he paid $1500 for two Brazilian prostitutes and later, in a rage after not being allow those women in his hotel, spraypainting grafitti.

Rumors have spread that Bieber died under similar circumstances to other celebrities like Elvis and Anna Nicole Smith. Autoposy of his body indicates cirrhosis of the liver, indicating chronic alcoholism.

Over the years since the Rio incident, Bieber had made billions of dollars, become a philanthropist, and retired only 12 years earlier (2024).

Rumors exist that the mother of the paparazzi accidentally killed by car driven by one of the Bieber entourage made peace with the entertainer and settled out of court with both the CHP and the driver for an disclosed amount.

Prior to his death, he had gone on a worldwide tour, displaying the same behavior learned in Rio only more discreetly.

The bad news is the Bieb is dead.

The good news is, he died during the best sex ever.

Thousands of Bieber fans rioted in a quiet Toronto suburb where the Bieb grew up causing millions of dollars in damage to his statue which he donated back in 2025, a year after retiring. The late Bieber had taken up sculpture in an attempt to wrestle with his inner demons.

At the time of the unveiling of the statue the Bieb was heard to say "This is an abstract caricature of me."

A young woman was heard to remark, "WTF, Justin! That looks like your monkey!"

At that point Justin Bieber turned from his art and yelled "Selena?"

To which the woman replied "Wrong! I'm your first ex-wife." Then she faded into the crowd.

For the next decade the Bieb weathered a cycle of relapses and recovery while tutoring young guitarists as part of his probation for a variety of alcohol-related misdemeanors.

However on April 1, 2035 he recovered completely thanks to approval globally of complete legalization of recreational drugs and the closure of the defunct UN Drug Policy committee.

Since this meant such drugs would be cheaper than a vodka cooler at the liquor store, the Bieb went full Rastafarian and grew his own medical marijuana to share with the world.

Now a recovered alcoholic Bieber rediscovered Jah and got together his former entourage, the ones that managed to avoid becoming thugs.

Then in late 2035 after practicing for months he started his Bieber All Right Global Tour to share his comeback tour.

Rumor has it that the Bieb reconciled with his first ex-wife who'd mocked his statue 11 years earlier. However they officially remained on friendly terms as the divorce had a clause in it that protects her privacy including alimony amount.

One anonymous source was quoted as saying "Da Bieb's ex, she pwn'd him when dey split. She a smart shawty!"

They were married from 2018-2021.

Gossip rags reported rumors of stalking by the Bieb circa 2022 of his ex wife but the truth is, she was, is still his number one fan. It just sounds juicier to call Bieber the stalker. >:)

Another anonymous source claims she knows Mrs Justin Bieber when they were kids.

"Let me assure you, she could tell you details of Justin's history and even the Rio incident. He never sprayed grafitti illegally. As well, the entourage picked the two hookers. He just paid the tab. He was going to rest after the concert."

In short, the ex Mrs Justin Bieber was a die hard fan. It must have been hard to keep secrets from her.

As for the Bieber estate it will fund the J Bieber Foundation which provides Jah globally.

When asked about the Bieb dying a certain British rocker quipped, "He died before the last rolling stone, but his foundation will get the world stoned."