What do I love a person who thinks her world is crap, and that her smile is a scary thing?
Because no person is perfect, and imperfect people deserve my love, even though their self delusions might prevent them from understanding why I love them.
They might just become weirded out by the fact I love them so much.
So I rarely disclose my feelings to them. Yet all it takes is a goodbye, and I see how touched they are by how much I care for them.
It is tragic to know that we might never ever become lovers because of her own idiosyncrasies. Yet I love her anyway.
For I even fear to tell her that I wish I could help her understand that her life is not crap, if only she was able to accept a deeper relationship than the friendship we now have.
Perhaps I am only fooling myself by believing that falling in love with me could improve her outlook on life.
If only she knew my true feelings, then she might run. It might be because of the age gap, with me in my 50s and her in her 20s.
So instead of telling her of my undying love for her, I flirt with her. Today I noticed she'd dyed her hair blond, and hope she realized I like it. Indeed, the amount of time I spent with her ought to have clued her in.
It is sad in a way to have crushes like this, the ones in which I cannot express my undying love to her, lest she run away.
Personally, I think she knows I carry a flame for her, though it might be wishful thinking on my part. It isn't proper to ask a potential love prospect if she likes me a bit more than just being friends.
Even so, this delusion I have that us falling in love with each other might be a solution to her worldview that her life is crap is seductive. Secretly I wish she liked me as much as I like her.
I even think she knows that I like her even though she thinks she's weird and creepy, even her own smile. Because I love her, it would be wrong to even tell her my feelings for her. If the knowledge that someone loves you scares you, would you enjoy that someone telling you? I doubt it, so this relationship is going to be another case of unrequited love.
For to love someone so much that you would never ever tell her the truth, and to respect her feelings so much that you keep it to yourself, might be an unusual way to love someone.
I suppose that I don't tell her the truth because I'm in love with love itself. Perhaps my love for her is unhealthy, but telling her the truth might ruin things between us.
This is why I am going to keep quiet about my personal feelings for her, because that is what love is actually about, the ability to keep the ones you care about safe from harm. It's as though I believe her knowing how much I love her might kill our friendship, which I value very much, much more than my feelings of love.
Perhaps platonic friendships are so great because eros will fuck such friendships up.
No comments:
Post a Comment