What do I love a person who thinks her world is crap, and that her smile is a scary thing?
Because no person is perfect, and imperfect people deserve my love, even though their self delusions might prevent them from understanding why I love them.
They might just become weirded out by the fact I love them so much.
So I rarely disclose my feelings to them. Yet all it takes is a goodbye, and I see how touched they are by how much I care for them.
It is tragic to know that we might never ever become lovers because of her own idiosyncrasies. Yet I love her anyway.
For I even fear to tell her that I wish I could help her understand that her life is not crap, if only she was able to accept a deeper relationship than the friendship we now have.
Perhaps I am only fooling myself by believing that falling in love with me could improve her outlook on life.
If only she knew my true feelings, then she might run. It might be because of the age gap, with me in my 50s and her in her 20s.
So instead of telling her of my undying love for her, I flirt with her. Today I noticed she'd dyed her hair blond, and hope she realized I like it. Indeed, the amount of time I spent with her ought to have clued her in.
It is sad in a way to have crushes like this, the ones in which I cannot express my undying love to her, lest she run away.
Personally, I think she knows I carry a flame for her, though it might be wishful thinking on my part. It isn't proper to ask a potential love prospect if she likes me a bit more than just being friends.
Even so, this delusion I have that us falling in love with each other might be a solution to her worldview that her life is crap is seductive. Secretly I wish she liked me as much as I like her.
I even think she knows that I like her even though she thinks she's weird and creepy, even her own smile. Because I love her, it would be wrong to even tell her my feelings for her. If the knowledge that someone loves you scares you, would you enjoy that someone telling you? I doubt it, so this relationship is going to be another case of unrequited love.
For to love someone so much that you would never ever tell her the truth, and to respect her feelings so much that you keep it to yourself, might be an unusual way to love someone.
I suppose that I don't tell her the truth because I'm in love with love itself. Perhaps my love for her is unhealthy, but telling her the truth might ruin things between us.
This is why I am going to keep quiet about my personal feelings for her, because that is what love is actually about, the ability to keep the ones you care about safe from harm. It's as though I believe her knowing how much I love her might kill our friendship, which I value very much, much more than my feelings of love.
Perhaps platonic friendships are so great because eros will fuck such friendships up.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
20130623
Musing on Relatonships and Unconditional Love
What if You went to a club and met someone you clicked with, and s/he traded numbers with you?
If s/he called you, then you'd be sure to arrange a date because you two got along at the club.
Yet I'm going to call people on this fantasy because often what people have in common at clubs is drink and the prospect of finding someone you like combined with drink fools a person into thinking "s/he is the One."
Sober, people don't act like they do when they are inebriated. This is because a stone cold sober person is inhibited from acting uninhibited. It's also why a woman who received a call from someone they met at a club will usually turn down a date from a man with whom she exchanged numbers.
As well, she doesn't even remember the guy. This is because at a club, her girl friends come first and she is just out to have fun, not hook up.
A woman has to have a strong attraction to a guy in order to accept a date after they have met at a social event in a dark club with loud music and alcohol.
Often too, the guy will have said or done something that she would remember which makes her instinctively put him on the guy friend list.
As well, she make have a personal issue which she has yet to recover from which makes her unable to accept a date with just any guy.
Here is where a guy has to empathize with her in such a fashion as to share briefly that core issue, providing enough details for him to sympathize with her. A woman knows when a guy is empathetic because she'll share her life story with him, trusting him not to share her personal life with outsiders.
So the common ground will actually be trust. A man who can keep the secrets the woman tells him is a good confident. Confidential information is usually shared by a woman to test the guy. If he keeps her secrets safe, then he'll end up on her BFF list, which is rare because usually it is occupied by a large number of woman friends in her social and especially personal life.
A man should never inquire further into her personal life, just to fish for confirmation of "facts" found during his personal research.
Believe me that a man will do personal research because of the fallacy that his fact-finding mission will win her heart. It most often will not. For a woman would feel less trust for a man who pesters her in order to verify her personal history. It is also a breach of trust to do such a thing to a woman.
Instead, a man should just treat a woman he likes a lot with respect by allowing her to remain comfortable sharing her personal life with him because she trust him to keep secrets.
Even when a man thinks a woman is the One because she trusts him to respect her privacy, he ought to respect her privacy by not inquiring further mainly because she is the one capable of dealing with her personal issues, not him.
My intent in writing this blog is to rationalize my interest in a woman I recently met in such a way as to gain her respect. Most of this post is my way of telling myself that she isn't the One just because I know more than I ought to know about her past.
Yet this woman has earned my respect by sharing the details of her life history with me. If she had not done so, I would just consider her an acquaintance.
It is foolish of me to even consider that I'm the One for her. This is a delusion my part, which is motivated by the fantasy that were we to develop an intimate relationship, that we would fall in love and live happily ever after.
Such a delusion is often the result of thinking that what I know about her implies that I could make a difference in her life. This is due to an ego defect in my psyche.
It is vain on my part to think that I could make such a difference in her life.
Indeed, it is more likely that declaring my "love" for her would turn her off.
Instead, I should be a friend and stop thinking with my dick. Otherwise, our friendship could be ruined forever.
However, unconditional love implies that friends don't invade each other's privacy.
Besides, my female friend knows that I am unlikely to dominate her i.e. "groom" her to become attracted to me. I do not believe in treating women this way, because sometimes guys who like to dominate women who like to dominate them might become the jealous and possessive jerk who ends up being her domestic abuse "partner."
I loathe dominating a woman, because it is about power and control, and has nothing at all to do with romantic love at all.
For I believe that control and power are two assets that both partners share, both consciously through actions that follow through on words shared with each other.
Indeed, it is in our both good interest for me to declare this truth about control and power in a healthy relationship.
For partners in a relationship share equally in developing it. As well, she has let it be known to me that we could only be friends.
So, even if I hold a flame for her, then due to her personal history, it is unwise for me to pursue her a love interest even though the fantasy of a romance blooming is tempting, the potential of living such a delusion with her would only affect my emotional well-being, it would also lead to her taking me off her friends list.
Thus, it is best for both of us to be friends, because in this post-modern world, friendship is endearing and sometimes a lifelong commitment that endures.
Indeed, a good friend is the confident, the person who is a sounding board.
For friendship arises due to unconditional love.
IMO romantic relationships put conditions on each partner, and causes conditional love based on intimacy and romance. A woman puts a man or woman on their intimate partner list based on meeting conditions based on human love.
If neither side understands unconditional love through meditation and/or prayer about it, then all both of them are left with is human love based on those conditions.
For unconditional love is like a love so high that we mortals are barely able to utilize its power to transform human love into something that lasts for years.
Such a love empowers people to become compassionate and understanding of other people in our lives. In contrast, because of the conditions that human love depends on, compassion and understanding could be fickle and limited, because humans, being mortal, are limited in their power to realize unconditional love.
While love may be a many splendid thing, it can become more than that by understanding what unconditional love actually is: love without conditions place on both partners in a relationship.
This is why I mentioned dominance in a relationship and the inequity it causes. For a dominating personality seeks control and power over a submissive partner, and thus inequity is inherent in such a relationship.
I behooves me to consider such a choice, and I would rather remain single than trying to be someone I am unable to be, due to my unwillingness to control and disempower my future partner.
Yet I am open in at least trying to explain to my friend that a dynamic friendship is about being equals by the secrets we share with each other.
If s/he called you, then you'd be sure to arrange a date because you two got along at the club.
Yet I'm going to call people on this fantasy because often what people have in common at clubs is drink and the prospect of finding someone you like combined with drink fools a person into thinking "s/he is the One."
Sober, people don't act like they do when they are inebriated. This is because a stone cold sober person is inhibited from acting uninhibited. It's also why a woman who received a call from someone they met at a club will usually turn down a date from a man with whom she exchanged numbers.
As well, she doesn't even remember the guy. This is because at a club, her girl friends come first and she is just out to have fun, not hook up.
A woman has to have a strong attraction to a guy in order to accept a date after they have met at a social event in a dark club with loud music and alcohol.
Often too, the guy will have said or done something that she would remember which makes her instinctively put him on the guy friend list.
As well, she make have a personal issue which she has yet to recover from which makes her unable to accept a date with just any guy.
Here is where a guy has to empathize with her in such a fashion as to share briefly that core issue, providing enough details for him to sympathize with her. A woman knows when a guy is empathetic because she'll share her life story with him, trusting him not to share her personal life with outsiders.
So the common ground will actually be trust. A man who can keep the secrets the woman tells him is a good confident. Confidential information is usually shared by a woman to test the guy. If he keeps her secrets safe, then he'll end up on her BFF list, which is rare because usually it is occupied by a large number of woman friends in her social and especially personal life.
A man should never inquire further into her personal life, just to fish for confirmation of "facts" found during his personal research.
Believe me that a man will do personal research because of the fallacy that his fact-finding mission will win her heart. It most often will not. For a woman would feel less trust for a man who pesters her in order to verify her personal history. It is also a breach of trust to do such a thing to a woman.
Instead, a man should just treat a woman he likes a lot with respect by allowing her to remain comfortable sharing her personal life with him because she trust him to keep secrets.
Even when a man thinks a woman is the One because she trusts him to respect her privacy, he ought to respect her privacy by not inquiring further mainly because she is the one capable of dealing with her personal issues, not him.
My intent in writing this blog is to rationalize my interest in a woman I recently met in such a way as to gain her respect. Most of this post is my way of telling myself that she isn't the One just because I know more than I ought to know about her past.
Yet this woman has earned my respect by sharing the details of her life history with me. If she had not done so, I would just consider her an acquaintance.
It is foolish of me to even consider that I'm the One for her. This is a delusion my part, which is motivated by the fantasy that were we to develop an intimate relationship, that we would fall in love and live happily ever after.
Such a delusion is often the result of thinking that what I know about her implies that I could make a difference in her life. This is due to an ego defect in my psyche.
It is vain on my part to think that I could make such a difference in her life.
Indeed, it is more likely that declaring my "love" for her would turn her off.
Instead, I should be a friend and stop thinking with my dick. Otherwise, our friendship could be ruined forever.
However, unconditional love implies that friends don't invade each other's privacy.
Besides, my female friend knows that I am unlikely to dominate her i.e. "groom" her to become attracted to me. I do not believe in treating women this way, because sometimes guys who like to dominate women who like to dominate them might become the jealous and possessive jerk who ends up being her domestic abuse "partner."
I loathe dominating a woman, because it is about power and control, and has nothing at all to do with romantic love at all.
For I believe that control and power are two assets that both partners share, both consciously through actions that follow through on words shared with each other.
Indeed, it is in our both good interest for me to declare this truth about control and power in a healthy relationship.
For partners in a relationship share equally in developing it. As well, she has let it be known to me that we could only be friends.
So, even if I hold a flame for her, then due to her personal history, it is unwise for me to pursue her a love interest even though the fantasy of a romance blooming is tempting, the potential of living such a delusion with her would only affect my emotional well-being, it would also lead to her taking me off her friends list.
Thus, it is best for both of us to be friends, because in this post-modern world, friendship is endearing and sometimes a lifelong commitment that endures.
Indeed, a good friend is the confident, the person who is a sounding board.
For friendship arises due to unconditional love.
IMO romantic relationships put conditions on each partner, and causes conditional love based on intimacy and romance. A woman puts a man or woman on their intimate partner list based on meeting conditions based on human love.
If neither side understands unconditional love through meditation and/or prayer about it, then all both of them are left with is human love based on those conditions.
For unconditional love is like a love so high that we mortals are barely able to utilize its power to transform human love into something that lasts for years.
Such a love empowers people to become compassionate and understanding of other people in our lives. In contrast, because of the conditions that human love depends on, compassion and understanding could be fickle and limited, because humans, being mortal, are limited in their power to realize unconditional love.
While love may be a many splendid thing, it can become more than that by understanding what unconditional love actually is: love without conditions place on both partners in a relationship.
This is why I mentioned dominance in a relationship and the inequity it causes. For a dominating personality seeks control and power over a submissive partner, and thus inequity is inherent in such a relationship.
I behooves me to consider such a choice, and I would rather remain single than trying to be someone I am unable to be, due to my unwillingness to control and disempower my future partner.
Yet I am open in at least trying to explain to my friend that a dynamic friendship is about being equals by the secrets we share with each other.
20130510
Ultimate Sublimation for a Dear Friend (poem)
Being able to help out a dear friend
financially is better than sex.
Even though the world expects me
to be less generous, it is
immoral to treat a dear friend
in dire straits like a mere pauper.
Even though my means aren't great,
I would rather be reborn
in the Buddhist hells
than neglect my dear friends.
For being of help to my friends arises
due to ultimate sublimation of desire.
financially is better than sex.
Even though the world expects me
to be less generous, it is
immoral to treat a dear friend
in dire straits like a mere pauper.
Even though my means aren't great,
I would rather be reborn
in the Buddhist hells
than neglect my dear friends.
For being of help to my friends arises
due to ultimate sublimation of desire.
20130311
The Craziness Called Love
It is like I have
danced with you as
we talked on the phone.
In our imagination,
we visited that special place
in each other's heart
where friends find each other.
We laughed at the white lies
that we told each other
about the craziness called love.
When a human being realizes
Who truly rules the world,
what right do we have
except to love all
as God loves us?
original post: May 10, 2005 1059H
update posted: March 11, 2013 1304H
20100625
Tact and Trust on the Internet: Can We Be Honest on the 'net?
Tact consists of being able to say a white lie without regret once in a while, and mainly to not reply when honesty would ruin group harmony.
Indeed, tact proves that situation ethics (appropriateness depends on the situation) is consistently applied in real life practice while everyone pretends to practice a general moral code of appropriateness.
IMHO in private, tact is usually abandoned in the intimacy of friendship due to investment of trust.
In public, tact is practiced when the situation calls for it (most of the time).
For it would be inappropriate to be bluntly honest with people in public.
The Internet is different, in that there is no intimacy in cyberspace. So blunt honesty may only used between real life friends, and tact is a given because anonymity does not build trust. Rather, trust only occurs once each party builds a one-on-one relationship in real-life.
Anonymity is why we hate trolls, and treat helpful advice from others as overstepping boundaries on-line.
At the root of this is the concept of earning trust, which is a real life behavior that does not always work on-line.
Those courageous on-line users who buck the trend and offer trust now do so hoping that the other party will honor that trust. Anyone who violates this accord becomes untrustworthy, and revenge is dependent on the nature of the one whose trust is violated.
This explains banning of IP numbers, Facebook disabled accounts and other on-line account hijacks.
YMMV
Indeed, tact proves that situation ethics (appropriateness depends on the situation) is consistently applied in real life practice while everyone pretends to practice a general moral code of appropriateness.
IMHO in private, tact is usually abandoned in the intimacy of friendship due to investment of trust.
In public, tact is practiced when the situation calls for it (most of the time).
For it would be inappropriate to be bluntly honest with people in public.
The Internet is different, in that there is no intimacy in cyberspace. So blunt honesty may only used between real life friends, and tact is a given because anonymity does not build trust. Rather, trust only occurs once each party builds a one-on-one relationship in real-life.
Anonymity is why we hate trolls, and treat helpful advice from others as overstepping boundaries on-line.
At the root of this is the concept of earning trust, which is a real life behavior that does not always work on-line.
Those courageous on-line users who buck the trend and offer trust now do so hoping that the other party will honor that trust. Anyone who violates this accord becomes untrustworthy, and revenge is dependent on the nature of the one whose trust is violated.
This explains banning of IP numbers, Facebook disabled accounts and other on-line account hijacks.
YMMV
20090826
Meditation on Friendship
Friendship transcends personal cliques. Indeed, a good friend is more likely to support unrelated friends of good standing than that unrelated person's group of fair-weather friends, some of whom might assure him of their undivided loyalty and devotion, only to lose their support when their devotion and loyalty is called into question by circumstances.
If we had no friends, then even our mothers would abandon us. For the friendless are the odd Johns of society, and few people tolerate them.
Yet I can tolerate all people, because I believe strong that to deny an offer of friendship based on who you (don't) know, one would have to have only the potential to understand the concept, not the ability to "be a friend to all and enemy to none".
In order to be a good friend, one ought to keep the ancient adage at heart: "Keep your best friend at arm's length, and your greatest enemy nearby."
If we had no friends, then even our mothers would abandon us. For the friendless are the odd Johns of society, and few people tolerate them.
Yet I can tolerate all people, because I believe strong that to deny an offer of friendship based on who you (don't) know, one would have to have only the potential to understand the concept, not the ability to "be a friend to all and enemy to none".
In order to be a good friend, one ought to keep the ancient adage at heart: "Keep your best friend at arm's length, and your greatest enemy nearby."
20081224
Friendship
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. — J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
The best post in this thread reads as follows:
As I have understood it, without detailed analysis:
Those who were Bilbo's friends were warmed by his appreciation of their friendship;
Those who were Bilbo's acquaintances were warmed by his saying he'd have liked to know them better;
Those who were Bilbo's irritants (the Sackville-Bagginses for example) knew they had been insulted but could not, for the life of them, figure out how.
20080522
Fickle is The Eye of the Beholder (poem)
Of the beauty of the Beloved
alone am I advised.
Sincerely with much surprise,
in kind I respond
since friendship transcends gender.
For does not human charms pale
before true Beauty?
And does not human intellect
fail to give wisdom,
save through true experience?
The Beloved's beauty has
only been oft noticed since
my recent surprise,
that I do fear I may pale
in the presence of herself.
alone am I advised.
Sincerely with much surprise,
in kind I respond
since friendship transcends gender.
For does not human charms pale
before true Beauty?
And does not human intellect
fail to give wisdom,
save through true experience?
The Beloved's beauty has
only been oft noticed since
my recent surprise,
that I do fear I may pale
in the presence of herself.
20060726
Weird Dreams: a Personal Analysis
Recently my friend/roommate Frank died.
Last week I had a dream where he came back to visit.
He was dressed in black. Most of the dream is fuzzy, but I believe we rode in a really nice car.
At the time I originally wrote this post, I had sunk into a depression over his death. It took me six years to get over his death and move on. The car in this dream is based on my memory of always being with Frank in his car.
Since Frank was a friend, this dream may have been telling me to make friends with myself i.e. to know myself better. The car represents my journey in life. The color black represents mourning. It also represents luxury and power. Overall, though, this dream was telling me to accept his death.
A later dream occurred a few years later. In it I was in a room with Frank at the far corner of the room. There were large boxes between us which made it hard to get to him.
The dream ended before I got to him.
This dream shows that at the time I still was not accepting Frank's death and moving on, since I was trying to get to him but had to negotiate through a maze of these boxes to him.
The boxes represent emotions and feelings that I was repressing. Frank being in the corner meant that I missed him.
The maze of boxes indicate that my journey in life is encountering difficulties due to not dealing with my emotions at the time.
Today, I barely remember my dreams, which is a good sign as it means I have come to terms with Frank's death and have learned to express my feelings more appropriately.
Originally posted: July 26, 2006 1631H
Updated: February 10, 2013 1303H
Last week I had a dream where he came back to visit.
He was dressed in black. Most of the dream is fuzzy, but I believe we rode in a really nice car.
At the time I originally wrote this post, I had sunk into a depression over his death. It took me six years to get over his death and move on. The car in this dream is based on my memory of always being with Frank in his car.
Since Frank was a friend, this dream may have been telling me to make friends with myself i.e. to know myself better. The car represents my journey in life. The color black represents mourning. It also represents luxury and power. Overall, though, this dream was telling me to accept his death.
A later dream occurred a few years later. In it I was in a room with Frank at the far corner of the room. There were large boxes between us which made it hard to get to him.
The dream ended before I got to him.
This dream shows that at the time I still was not accepting Frank's death and moving on, since I was trying to get to him but had to negotiate through a maze of these boxes to him.
The boxes represent emotions and feelings that I was repressing. Frank being in the corner meant that I missed him.
The maze of boxes indicate that my journey in life is encountering difficulties due to not dealing with my emotions at the time.
Today, I barely remember my dreams, which is a good sign as it means I have come to terms with Frank's death and have learned to express my feelings more appropriately.
Originally posted: July 26, 2006 1631H
Updated: February 10, 2013 1303H
20050629
Get to know others (poem)
Though life is full of suffering,
the ideal way to develop compassion
is to transcend human love,
and share unconditional love
with another sentient being.
Knowing myself very well,
when I get to know others,
I share unconditional love.
Even when I fear being hurt,
by getting to know someone
I am developing compassion.
In sharing our lives,
we treasure each other
as true friends forever.
the ideal way to develop compassion
is to transcend human love,
and share unconditional love
with another sentient being.
Knowing myself very well,
when I get to know others,
I share unconditional love.
Even when I fear being hurt,
by getting to know someone
I am developing compassion.
In sharing our lives,
we treasure each other
as true friends forever.
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