October 21, 2009: During the week I spent not taking a picture with my camera, worrying needlessly about finances, I just felt totally inhibited all that time.
Right now, it's hard to do the things I want to do well. Most likely, it is because the 6 hours of sleep last night.
When inhibited, my personal feelings get muddled. I am not healthily in touch with them. Yet by writing about them, I am demonstrating control over them, perhaps too much control.
As well, much of today's entry is about feelings which are in flux. Nothing I write about are about something permanent and fixed in time.
Of course, today's entry is also lacking in detail about my life in general. It's not supposed to be a detailed analysis of my life.
For I am guarded about my personal life because it would be shameless of me to describe in detail why I am craving privacy now. It is because I've decided to handle my personal finances without going into details.
Returning to photography, as mentioned in the beginning of today's blog entry, I've taken three pictures, and stopped because the rain ruined a couple shots.
And even though the rain hasn't stopped me before, I feel that taking a lot of shots isn't going to make them less blurry and rain-streaked.
So, when looking at my personal life, it can be seen as out of focus because of inhibition.
For when going into detail about my life, that's similar to a clear picture on a sunny day taken with a camera. So, my life appears out of focus because inhibition blurs whatever clear picture I may make of it.
Yet the mistakes I've made today are too few when compared to the things I've accomplished such as managing my money, and taking care of errands, which are personal and private.
I loathe doing this fearless inventory of myself - it makes me realize that my feelings do not reflect an accurate picture of who I am. Even though it is most definitely a delusion, I feel less complete as a person, like something is missing.
I feel less happy, because my feelings tell me that all those many photographs I took were done to not closely examine myself without fear.
So perhaps by now examining myself, yet not detailing those feelings and emotions, and correctly assigning them, I am trying to maintain a balance between feelings and reason.
Update: 20130118.1153
Today I try to get out three times a week or more. As a result of changes I made in my lifestyle, I have no anxiety or any symptoms of depression. Te current medication I am taking is 200 mg of gabapentin and 10 mg of cyclobenzaprine at bedtime.
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Update: It only took 8 days cooped up at home since October 12 to catch cold on October 20. By Friday I showed symptoms, and suffered the worst of them Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
As well, the delayed use of antihistamines (Allegra 12 hours) for nasal congestion and pain reliever (ibuprofen) for earache relieved my symptoms.
Currently I feel dizzy because of the mild inner ear infection.
My conclusion is that Vitamin D deficiency is the health issue to remedy.
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