My Ideal Woman (satire)

Here is the closest image of what my ideal woman looks like. I apologize that only how she looks from behind is available, but it is doubtful that this woman would find my idealizing of her to be appropriate.

It might even be rude to have taken this photograph without her consent.

However, with her anonymity almost guaranteed, no one can closely identify her. Indeed, this is why I went to the back of the line of that long queue for the #49 Metrotown bus the other day.

It is obvious then that I like my women thick, for this lady is about 5'8 or taller, and weighs over 140 pounds. She isn't Caucasian, yet I feel comfortable with a woman who isn't Asian.

Even so, my taste in women is based on mutual attraction in an era where most women are much more picky than they were 40 years ago.

That is why I decided to convert to the Church of Jesus Christ: even though I may veer towards liberalism, I am at heart a conservative fool when it comes to love. That is why I emailed my ex-girlfriend. The change from liberalism to moderate conservatism is better on the long run.

And yet, I would rather idealize the ideal woman than pursue anyone, mainly because I fall into one of two categories: "not her type" and "the friend list."

Even that best friend on Vancouver Island, in Victoria has categorized me as "not her type" and most definitely I am on her "friend list". As for myself, I have recently spoken to her, and determined that - like me - she is single.

When I think about her I remember a moment more than two years ago when she hugged me really tight. She could do that because she knows I will not push things.

For my intentions must always remain pure with a best friend. Besides, the sexual fantasy of "what might be" is adultery of the heart.

Yet unrequited love is splendid in inspiring me to be benevolent in my intent and even generous in loving-kindness. For sex would surely ruin a good friendship that has endured for so long.

Although we are comfortable talking about our sexual experiences, the very thought of hooking up would only complicate our friendship. It is this friendship that endures all the trials and tribulations of my love life.

Despite knowing this to be true, I still wish to declare my undying love for her to this dear friend. As long as I tell her that there is no expectation of something more, it still is worth telling her how much I truly care for her.

Although the woman in the picture is my ideal woman, I still carry a torch for my best female friend (BFF).

Still it has to remain unrequited, because she has made it clear that I am not her type, and I am fine with that.

Reputation (satire)

So let me get this straight, in certain cultures, there is a tradition such that a man must not visit a young unmarried woman alone lest the neighbours gossip, her reputation tarnished by the rumors, and a mob forms to cast some stones on the woman but rarely punishes the man.

And somebody mistook this for Islam?

Anyone who looks closely at this tradition can tell it is not Islam. Nor is it Judaism or Christianity, even though both Christians and Jews were known to do the same to their women.

What this is is an ancient tradition that was accepted into a religion to control women under the guise of "family honor" or similar weasel words designed to protect the reputation of men at the expense of the lives of women.

Carrying out such a tradition is not democracy but a devilish form of oppression against women that would offend even Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Jesus, and Muhammed.

If I as a Buddhist know this, then why not a Christian, a Jew or a Muslim?

Yet this is the way I have as a kid: once when invited to a girl's place as a boy of 17, I objected to visiting her, saying, "What if the neighbours assumed the worst?" The girl replied "Nothing would happen anyway, so no one cares about the neighbours."

Because of the way I was raised, it was hard for me to visit her if she was unmarried and under 30. This is because before these post-modern times, society would think something was up if a man visited a young woman. Indeed, her reputation could be "ruined" by devilish gossip.

Today, people think nothing of such gossip and make light of rumors, because such talk is not inspired by any intention to protect both the man and the woman, but rather to make both of them look bad, just so the gossiper can look good.

Therefore, when a rumor is aimed to ruin a woman's reputation, it is hypocrisy to make it seem as though the man is some sex god. Such idle gossip is indeed devilish. As well, I condemn mainstream media when it does the same to celebrities.

FWIW IDC about Selena Gomez's chastity nor do I care about Justin Bieber's slide into the festivities that pass for modern life in Hollywood. Nor do I care about what passes for truth as broadcast by mainstream media. It is all propaganda designed to get people talking, so their own lives don't seem boring and dull.

Likewise, how can a religion be beneficial when it holds on to ancient traditions that oppress women in such a way?

A wise man once said "Let those who are without sin cast the first stone." This excludes men and women over the age of majority. Only children ought to be allow to stone that sinner. Surely this is a laughable suggestion, but is apt.

How does stoning make the participants become without sin? For murder is a sin, even when it is excluded as punishment for a crime concocted by rumors. It is a devilish thing to then make an exception to murder as capital punishment for a sin, when the only sin in most Abrahamic religions is to forget God Almighty.

Once does not forget God when one is stoning, for a representative of God commands his loyal flock to stone. It is thus not a sin to kill someone when God speaks through that representative. So then, could this be why Islamists kill? Could this be why David Koresh formed a cult?

And is this why the Hebrews slew Canaanites?

After careful consideration of the concept of such punishment for a sin, I am convinced that the punishment does not fit the crime since it promotes death and also the oppression of women. Additionally, it makes a man seem to be unable to control himself in the presence of a woman. As a result, I would not trust that man in a crowd of women. He could be the death of them yet.

Even so, I am not going to a young woman's place alone even if invited, because society might misunderstand my intentions.