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My Ideal Woman (satire)

Here is the closest image of what my ideal woman looks like. I apologize that only how she looks from behind is available, but it is doubtful that this woman would find my idealizing of her to be appropriate.

It might even be rude to have taken this photograph without her consent.

However, with her anonymity almost guaranteed, no one can closely identify her. Indeed, this is why I went to the back of the line of that long queue for the #49 Metrotown bus the other day.

It is obvious then that I like my women thick, for this lady is about 5'8 or taller, and weighs over 140 pounds. She isn't Caucasian, yet I feel comfortable with a woman who isn't Asian.

Even so, my taste in women is based on mutual attraction in an era where most women are much more picky than they were 40 years ago.

That is why I decided to convert to the Church of Jesus Christ: even though I may veer towards liberalism, I am at heart a conservative fool when it comes to love. That is why I emailed my ex-girlfriend. The change from liberalism to moderate conservatism is better on the long run.

And yet, I would rather idealize the ideal woman than pursue anyone, mainly because I fall into one of two categories: "not her type" and "the friend list."

Even that best friend on Vancouver Island, in Victoria has categorized me as "not her type" and most definitely I am on her "friend list". As for myself, I have recently spoken to her, and determined that - like me - she is single.

When I think about her I remember a moment more than two years ago when she hugged me really tight. She could do that because she knows I will not push things.

For my intentions must always remain pure with a best friend. Besides, the sexual fantasy of "what might be" is adultery of the heart.

Yet unrequited love is splendid in inspiring me to be benevolent in my intent and even generous in loving-kindness. For sex would surely ruin a good friendship that has endured for so long.

Although we are comfortable talking about our sexual experiences, the very thought of hooking up would only complicate our friendship. It is this friendship that endures all the trials and tribulations of my love life.

Despite knowing this to be true, I still wish to declare my undying love for her to this dear friend. As long as I tell her that there is no expectation of something more, it still is worth telling her how much I truly care for her.

Although the woman in the picture is my ideal woman, I still carry a torch for my best female friend (BFF).

Still it has to remain unrequited, because she has made it clear that I am not her type, and I am fine with that.

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