Kyrie Eleison: To serve is the meaning of Priesthood (satire)

After two interviews with my bishop, I now have the choice of picking an elder to ordain me as Priest next Sunday. As of that date I am 23 days a baptized Mormon.

Is it not too early to serve the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint? No, for it is not I who hears God calling me but the bishop who knows that I shall be an usher because, despite lost sleep from the night before, I am trusted due to the mercy, not of him, but of God himself.

Yes, but it is because I answered the questions correctly, but not according to my libertarian views. For libertarian means "a person who shall live for the day, choosing to act conservative when it suits him with regard to private worship while actually holding onto liberal values like a life raft in his secular role in society."

I believe the pejorative term to describe me is "hypocrite" which means "a person who applies the least amount of critical thought to all things in his practice of his faith; he who acts pious on Sunday but is the least pious when it is not the Lord's day; a person who act religious in front of pious people."

Recently I have talked to an apostate who is First Nations, and argued with him about the chastity vow. He claims that most religious people break their vows regularly by claiming that overall, most Christians masturbate (99% men, 90% women). My counterargument is that 75% of Mormons masturbate, overall (80% men and 62% women). I decided not to add that by the time they get baptized (between their 10th to 12th year), the rate might be higher but becomes lower.

A lot of Mormons can save their grief if they have fallen due to masturbation. This is not an act that will lead to Spirit Prison. However, this sin is what the Melchizedek priesthood uses to psychologically blackmail members of the church, and sometimes the lower Aaronic priesthood. It is also what confessing to such a thing may lead to NOT being a Good Member In Standing - pun intended.

Since most masturbation is done in the privacy of the home, it is between you and God, not anyone in the Priesthoods to use to control your behavior and to use in an excommunication due to fapping instead of praying to the Lord. Prayer is the recommended method of substitution, i.e. praying rather than fapping.

It is unimportant to the higher priests to even mention masturbation to them, because it tempts them to commit the higher sin of Lording it over you. Remember the Bible story about the rich man praying to God and the poor may praying also. That is the sin that anyone who controls other people, regardless of whether it is religion or politics, commits and it is less pardonable than breaking the vow of chastity.

For when a rich man is humble, he is no different from a poor man who humbles himself by praying, "Lord, have mercy on me a sinner."

Indeed, a priest ought to make the Sinner's prayer his motto.

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Reference:

Melchizedek - Latter-Day Saint beliefs: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melchizedek#Latter-day_Saint_beliefs
The Melchizedek priesthood is the higher priesthood; and the Aaronic is the lower.

Dear God (humour)

Dear God, I know that an orgasm is essential to my mental health and overall well-being, and that putting it off for months is considered the norm for the devoutly Christian. Yet I am far from that, and have worn the sheep's clothing. However I am not the wolf. I don't identify with that archetype. It is not me. If there is an emotional disconnect here, then it is because I have forgotten that there is a balance of good and evil to be done within my heart.

It is known among sexual health professionals that regular masturbation is harmless, and that the real harm comes from thinking that suppressing natural human desire is the same as sublimating it.

Why, I had great productivity without wanking each night! It's just another human activity to help me regain my sanity. I know that you understand this but self will is trying to take over my life.

I will be responsible in controlling self will, even if sometimes i have to appease it with an orgasm or three. ;)

Getting to bed early enough is the most appealing alternative. Yet I will masturbate once a week to retain my sanity in spire of the neuroses which arise from stress like this.

Anyway God, thanks for listening.

I gotta go wank again.