This one is about relationships and sexual health and its positive effect on mind, body and soul

Recovery is a continuing process.

Even in the most trying time, I tell myself, "This too shall pass."

Then when it gets too rough, I read inspirational material, be it AA or spiritual, and meditate or pray until the memories are done.

For myself I think my anxieties are the result of existential fear and of dilemmas due to regression and cognitive distortions, both of which elicit a fear reaction which may become an anxiety.

When neither medication nor sleep settles my mind, the one pacifier is a last resort to brings respite: an orgasm! :p

Afterwards, I reflect on when I first had one and remember that no one had any idea what I was up to, and were mystified, being children too.

Today I can see of my history clearly, and realize that my habit of masturbation has actually left self-will in charge. I barely matured as for as socialization goes, to the point where I could trust a loved one intimately. Perhaps it's partly due to ageing.

If I suppressed desire rather than truly sublimated it, then I am sure that my mental health would suffer for it. I feel that the pleasure arising from such a wonderful act as making love, for me, was a way to escape the pain of growing up different from other children.

My mTBIs left me with the feeling that my feelings and emotions were to be labelled by others in order for me to validate them and make them mind. Yet such childish dependency on another to validate my feeling left me relying on others for clues about what I was feeling.

I am thankful for this insight, but also realize that the Christian path would put too much pressure on me to conform as well as place tests on me to see if I am socialized enough to conquer self-will and sublimate desire.

Yet if I quit Freedom Session then I place pressure on myself in the form of guilt over not following through after inventing money, time, and effort. So I will continue with it, but keep participation in church Services open in case I am inspire to come and see what it's about.

Even so, my sexual health will be at maintenance level until I am ready to expand my horizons regarding developing a love interest whom I would eventually love and trust enough to share an couple orgasms with. However, this is fourth on my list after 1) work, 2) maintaining current friendships, and 3) keeping ties with family.

It's not a big deal, despite all my fantasies of finding a mate, which tends to not be detailed regarding grow to show that love and create a bond which allows us to trust each other. It comes through experiencing positive moments which satisfied the higher needs necessary to resulting the ongoing process of self-actualization.

This special moment was shared in an online forum and I felt no shame over the act.

So I am sure I have either matured or, most likely, my feelings may be blunted by lack of sleep and resulting fatigue.

Mindful of the Mind (poem)

To speak one's mind is
far better than not speaking,
for you learn much more
by asking a question.

For humility is learned
from asking questions,
not from sitting in silence.
Alone in silence,
one barely knows of herself.

To know one's mind may
take a whole lifetime to do.
All that is needed
is the willingness to learn
to be mindful of the mind.

For self knowledge is the goal
worthy of humans,
and the mind open to change
will grow much wiser
with experience and learning.

True Non-violence

True nonviolence must be based, first of all, on a secure sense of one’s own value as a human being. Violence toward others, far from being an expression of self-worth, is based on a repression of one’s sense of vulnerability which then translates into hostility toward others. The most violent men are those with the deepest fears of their own impotence. Training in nonviolence must be based on spiritual or personal development and empowerment of the self. An empowered self will not accept its own degradation, or that of others. -- Rosemary Ruether, in Feminism and Peace

Likewise, the most violent people are those with the deepest fears of their own impotence and powerlessness.

Thus non-violence is based on self-empowerment and self-worth through honest expression of one's sense of vulnerability.

To emphasize this point, let me paraphrase the Buddhist quote regarding the true warrior:

Though a thousand people
may submit to him,
only he who submits to himself
is the true warrior.