Recovery is a continuing process.
Even in the most trying time, I tell myself, "This too shall pass."
Then when it gets too rough, I read inspirational material, be it AA or spiritual, and meditate or pray until the memories are done.
For myself I think my anxieties are the result of existential fear and of dilemmas due to regression and cognitive distortions, both of which elicit a fear reaction which may become an anxiety.
When neither medication nor sleep settles my mind, the one pacifier is a last resort to brings respite: an orgasm! :p
Afterwards, I reflect on when I first had one and remember that no one had any idea what I was up to, and were mystified, being children too.
Today I can see of my history clearly, and realize that my habit of masturbation has actually left self-will in charge. I barely matured as for as socialization goes, to the point where I could trust a loved one intimately. Perhaps it's partly due to ageing.
If I suppressed desire rather than truly sublimated it, then I am sure that my mental health would suffer for it. I feel that the pleasure arising from such a wonderful act as making love, for me, was a way to escape the pain of growing up different from other children.
My mTBIs left me with the feeling that my feelings and emotions were to be labelled by others in order for me to validate them and make them mind. Yet such childish dependency on another to validate my feeling left me relying on others for clues about what I was feeling.
I am thankful for this insight, but also realize that the Christian path would put too much pressure on me to conform as well as place tests on me to see if I am socialized enough to conquer self-will and sublimate desire.
Yet if I quit Freedom Session then I place pressure on myself in the form of guilt over not following through after inventing money, time, and effort. So I will continue with it, but keep participation in church Services open in case I am inspire to come and see what it's about.
Even so, my sexual health will be at maintenance level until I am ready to expand my horizons regarding developing a love interest whom I would eventually love and trust enough to share an couple orgasms with. However, this is fourth on my list after 1) work, 2) maintaining current friendships, and 3) keeping ties with family.
It's not a big deal, despite all my fantasies of finding a mate, which tends to not be detailed regarding grow to show that love and create a bond which allows us to trust each other. It comes through experiencing positive moments which satisfied the higher needs necessary to resulting the ongoing process of self-actualization.
This special moment was shared in an online forum and I felt no shame over the act.
So I am sure I have either matured or, most likely, my feelings may be blunted by lack of sleep and resulting fatigue.
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