A new year begins: hypochondria possible side effect of mTBI

December 31, 2005: My New Year's resolution is to become more open about mild traumatic brain injury when need be.

MTBI is like having an imaginary friend. Some people will think I'm making up excuses, and am trying to deny responsibility to live a fuller life.

Actually I am trying to include the MTBIs and their associated behavioral, neurological and psychological affects on my life.

Yet the evidence shows that in many cases, borderline personality disordermight be comorbid with temporal lobe epilepsy i.e. might occur wrong with borderline symptoms.

The symptoms of borderline personality disorder are:

vulnerability vs invalidation

active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)

unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.

There are two important criteria involving borderline personality disorder:

the absence of psychosis (i.e., the ability to perceive reality accurately)

impaired ego integration - a diffuse and internally contradictory concept of self.

Dr. Kernberg is quoted as saying, "Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."

Now let's look at temporal lobe epilepsy(TLE):

The psychiatrists now call it "complex partial seizure disorder".

When medicated, the behavior of the person with TLE may appear to be schizotypal or even schizoid from time to time, due to the seizures and the medication (tegretol/carbamazepine).

However, with medication and a combination of cognitive behavior therapy (to know and learn how to manage one's behavior) and group therapy (to learn how to establish boundaries in relationships in a group setting), it is possible to control one's behavior with enhanced social conduct and social behavior appropriate to the patient's age.

Update: March 8, 2013

Over the past eight years, I've confirmed that temporal lobe epilepsy has been ruled out, which confirms hypochondria. However, through self-therapy I've managed the hypochondria.

Overall, there is indication of a mild general anxiety syndrome, which only arises when my body temperature rises when dressed warmly and indoors. The solution in such cases is to remove a jacket.

For most of my self-therapy, I use meditation to calm my mind so that I can develop insight about the root of my anxiety. Then it is possible to develop solutions which desensitize myself to the anxiety itself.

This is why I take pictures: it helps me take my mind off whatever is troubling me.

Since anger is often the root of anxiety, its "antidote" is patience — necessary to wait until anger is manageable — and love. Once the anger subsides, love helps me to be kind to myself and other people.

As well, regular exercise is important in reducing the symptoms of anxiety.

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Original post: December 31, 2005 2359H
Update posted: March 8, 2013

Xenophobia (with update)

"XENOPHOBIA" may be the most frightening word in the English language.

Fear of strangers, foreigners or anything unknown surely dates back to early man.

Originally, it was probably linked to the instinct for survival -- that unknown creature or scowling outsider might well have been out to get us. Since our first days upright, however, our suspicious attitude has probably hobbled our efforts to get ahead.

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May 27, 2004: Boy, I really wanna be treated to psychotherapy now!


In July of 2004 I suffered a head injury that was work related.


Over the next couple years, I went to hell and back but my total of 18 days (8 days the
first time and 10 days observation in October) impressed me the most.
I was actually treated better the second time because I managed to get underwear and supplies to make my stay manageable, and spent most of my time booked out of the ward so I can explore the hospital. A sub-arachnoid haematoma needing assessment can do that for you.

...

Medical and psychological issues didn't go away until around the end of 2006. Though I don't think I am fully recovered because now I think I am suffering from stress-related anxiety which cause brief hallucinations - I see people, then look again, and know my eyes are playing tricks on me. The stress is just the normal, on-the-go kind of stress after a good night's sleep. So I know it's related to the brain injury.

As for the first time in the hospital I felt like I was the 'other'. It had to be the head trauma. Maybe this otherness and feeling on not fitting in throughout my life is due to brain injuries I'd previously suffered. I don't know.


February 12, 2013

Over the past year my moods have stabilized and things are looking up.

For about a week, I even have consider visiting Japan once before I am old and gray, all gum and no teeth, yet no longer burping and being flatulent.

For by then death may be knocking at the door. Still, in contrast to the prospect of dying alone, my reaction now is to look around and say, "Oh, yes! I am undergoing the last part of the cycle of birth-life-death."

Even so, while there's still breath in me, I shall practice Buddha Recitation while sitting in diapers, awaiting my final chapter coming to a close.

What do I do for now? Practice just sitting, while the Six Syllable of serenity slide off my tongue in sincere gratitude.

Namu Amitabha!

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Xenophobia: http://www.canada.com/northshorenews/news/story.html?id=12dd4457-702a-4bbe-87b6-fdff5dc1a5cc&p=1

Neurosis in my life

Neurosis is prevalent in post-modern society.

I suffer from neurosis, since I am now taking 11 vitamins and supplements.

The psychiatric term is "hypochondriasis."

Part of the etiology of hypochondriasis is the believe that I am taking care of my overall health by taking vitamins and supplements — mentally and physically — combined with the few medications I am taking now — cyclobenzaprine as muscle relaxant (for osteoarthrosic left shoulder and as a sleep aid) and gabapentin (for mild pain and mood stablizer).

Currently I have had two appointments arranged by my primary physician in the coming month:

with a neurologist to determine the neurological origin for the anger-hostility-aggression (AHA) symptoms related to temporal lobe epilepsy (TLE) and my history of mild traumatic brain injuries, and

with the local mental health centre's psychiatrist to test for bipolar disorder.

Caffeine Sensitivity

During the past four weeks, I've notice a consistent pattern in my behavior which causes me embarrassment and regret.

I'm sure that caffeine sensitivity is at the root of it.

I have a history of insomnia along with mild traumatic brain injury since early childhood.

With insomnia comes anxiety and hypomania.

Caffeine worsens the hypomania, because it lowers my ability to control impulsiveness.

When I am in a hypomanic state of mind, the Internet only leads me to writing about wishes about sensual desire that I would never follow through on because it is out of character with my true nature.

Indeed, sensual desire is a needless distraction from actualizing the true nature of a human being, which is to practice unselfish concern for the welfare of others.

This includes being of service to others, and being ready to help others in need without thought of self. At the root of sensual desires is craving, which arises as a fruit of mental unrest (anxiety).

The common denominator is caffeine and insomnia.

Solution:

1. Meditation
   
2. Switch to bottled water.
   
3. Go to bed before midnight.
   

Trauma in My Life

I believe that my first traumatic experience is related to adapting to Western culture, and the byproduct of it are these weird dreams.

I feel insecure in life because Western culture puts no pressure on me to conform, yet unconsciously social pressures to conform are present.

This is a kind of schizophregenic double-bind. Indeed, I feel that society generally is the root of schizophrenia. This is not a paranoid feeling, but a rationalization to explain my state of mind.

My First Appointment With a Shrink

Synopsis:
Within a week of March 20, 2006, I went to get assessed by a psychiatrist at Vancouver General Hospital. When I arrived there, I went directly to the psych ward and sat in the waiting room with other patients. After about 5 minutes, the psychiatric nurse at the intake desk came for me, and directed me to the assessment room in another part of the same floor of the hospital. The assessment took about 10 minutes, and the clinician asked me a series of questions which I answered based on my intent to demonstrate sanity. Quite possibly we were both anxious to get through this interview without blowing our cool.

What follows is a redacted version of a post I made on a certain online web forum. Yet much of the redacts parts have been edited to refer to previous blog entries.

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The only statements in another post I made are:

my two drug experiences, my friend and roommate dying of pancreatic cancer,and my opinion that within the online community at large, you all are like family to me, because we are all part of the family called "humanity".

Rationalization of a previous post:

The use of psychological and psychiatric terms are symptomatic of my disability, which was never hidden from anyone on any online website forum.

Hence, psychosis refers to a temporary condition caused by reaction to stress, with no permanent state of mind.

Mania refers to the positive state of mind which is friendly, outgoing, and talkative.

Depression refers to the psychic state of mind resulting from suppression of mania.

As well, the term schizo (in one's own world), schizo-affective (affected by the world so as to retreat to one's own world), schizophrenic (fully in one's world), schizophrenic (causal effects which result in the treat to one's own world), etc. are positive.

Hopefully the above example shows how I borrow terminology from the psychiatric field, and use it in creative ways.

These terms are used as tools to describe projected mental states which fit my (mis)perceptions of "the real world."

However, on a web forum, its members are participating in a consensual reality.

Thus, after deliberate analysis, it is accurate to state that the members participating in this reality agree by consensus (at least two or more people) that what I state may be true, both through a reply affirming my assessment and through indirect replies e.g. when a few men have stated that if "psychosis" includes the ability to appreciate large-breasted women, then they are willing to be "psychotic." ;)

Another example is the indirect validation by a few women, which is tempered by their indirect approval of the proposed "thought experiment" to attribute my lowered psychosocial level to the causal factors of traumatic brain injury and ineffective coping strategies. ;)

However, were I to be candid with the shrink by revealing the details of the past 20 months since my recent trauma to this 6 lb universe called the human brain, he'd assume it is symptomatic of borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, and depression -- with post-traumatic stress disorder dominant. He would probably stop listening after I state: "my world revolves around computers." The only way I tend to make rapport with him is to keep silent about a few web forums and show him my current state of mind through a written assessment of my state of mind. Given that I will presenting a subjective report, he would be more willing to accept it as valid than a detailed description of the past 20 months. :o

I will state here that few website forums have ever mentioned a mental health professional. However, the stress of keeping it secret may have resulted in the symptoms I have been experiencing off and on over the past year. This may explain why I am now taciturn in public when under stress:

Silence in public protects the online community.

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Original post: Thu March 20, 2006 7:42 PM
Edited with redactions to generalize respective pronouns and real-life corporations: Fri December 24, 2010 5:52 PM

This one is about relationships and sexual health and its positive effect on mind, body and soul

Recovery is a continuing process.

Even in the most trying time, I tell myself, "This too shall pass."

Then when it gets too rough, I read inspirational material, be it AA or spiritual, and meditate or pray until the memories are done.

For myself I think my anxieties are the result of existential fear and of dilemmas due to regression and cognitive distortions, both of which elicit a fear reaction which may become an anxiety.

When neither medication nor sleep settles my mind, the one pacifier is a last resort to brings respite: an orgasm! :p

Afterwards, I reflect on when I first had one and remember that no one had any idea what I was up to, and were mystified, being children too.

Today I can see of my history clearly, and realize that my habit of masturbation has actually left self-will in charge. I barely matured as for as socialization goes, to the point where I could trust a loved one intimately. Perhaps it's partly due to ageing.

If I suppressed desire rather than truly sublimated it, then I am sure that my mental health would suffer for it. I feel that the pleasure arising from such a wonderful act as making love, for me, was a way to escape the pain of growing up different from other children.

My mTBIs left me with the feeling that my feelings and emotions were to be labelled by others in order for me to validate them and make them mind. Yet such childish dependency on another to validate my feeling left me relying on others for clues about what I was feeling.

I am thankful for this insight, but also realize that the Christian path would put too much pressure on me to conform as well as place tests on me to see if I am socialized enough to conquer self-will and sublimate desire.

Yet if I quit Freedom Session then I place pressure on myself in the form of guilt over not following through after inventing money, time, and effort. So I will continue with it, but keep participation in church Services open in case I am inspire to come and see what it's about.

Even so, my sexual health will be at maintenance level until I am ready to expand my horizons regarding developing a love interest whom I would eventually love and trust enough to share an couple orgasms with. However, this is fourth on my list after 1) work, 2) maintaining current friendships, and 3) keeping ties with family.

It's not a big deal, despite all my fantasies of finding a mate, which tends to not be detailed regarding grow to show that love and create a bond which allows us to trust each other. It comes through experiencing positive moments which satisfied the higher needs necessary to resulting the ongoing process of self-actualization.

This special moment was shared in an online forum and I felt no shame over the act.

So I am sure I have either matured or, most likely, my feelings may be blunted by lack of sleep and resulting fatigue.

Why I Chose Medication

Earlier in 2010, I chose to use mirtazapine, not to cure depression, but to augment psychotherapy, and to use direct experience to validate my hypothesis about the neurophysiological cause of the disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) I was originally diagnosed with i.e. mild Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI).

Psychotherapy lasted for a year.

My hypothesis is that the many mTBI I received from childhood into adulthood resulted in trauma which is the main cause of BPD. My use of mirtazapine is to treat the side effects of mTBI, of which depression is one of them.

I am also of the opinion that mirtazapine, as a strong sedative, also relieved me of the fear of heights, which demonstrates that phobias are in part a neurophysiological affect of mTBI in my case.

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Originally posted: June 19, 2010 1847H
Update posted: March 4, 2013 1522H

Sleep Disorder Common Malady of Mild Traumatic Brain Injury

December 8, 2008: According to my experience, mild TBI (traumatic brain injury) began early. I do not doubt that I was quite two when, in a fit of anger, my brother - aged 3 - took the hoe he was using to play in the tiny sandbox we had in the yard.

Since then, there have been numerous mTBI, including a fall down the stairs around 5 years of age, smashing my left temple on the corner of the stone fireplace...

Later in school I once bumped into a fellow student in Grade 2, and got a nasty gash on the back of my head. The fellow who bumped into me, DK, grew up in poverty. His family life was one of deprivation and squalidness.

Years passed. I developed insomnia as a result of antihistamines used for hay fever, and was quite exhausted by age 8.

Recently, a mTBI in July 2004 resulted in a lot of chaos that went away after I became roommates with my ex-GF LJ and her new BF TN.

My guess is, these mTBIs may be the root of my inability to form long intimate relationships with the opposite sex. There just isn't depth to me for a woman to tolerate me for long.

I say it's the TBI combined with the Japanese upbringing. For there appears to be a wall which comes up when I am asked to open up and truly communicate.

It's frustrating though, and yet I carry on, mainly because this blog is the best means of communication for me.

So too is Facebook, especially its ability to use a smartphone's camera to send pictures to the Albums section.

Yet pictures may paint a thousand words, but true communication demands face-to-face communication. Computers do not provide that, even with a webcam.

Only activities which help one to talk with other like-minded people may do that. So I will try to make Meetup meetings when my schedules allows it.

In the meantime, I am happy taking pictures on my KODAK EASYSHARE C763 Zoom Digital Camera.

Update: February 2, 2013

Currently I use my Samsung S II HD LTE smartphone as my main camera since my KODAK camera stopped working. This began during the summer of 2012.

I mainly use the default camera app.

Regarding my sleep disorder, I use flexeril and gabapentin as sleep aids since they both are safe and effective when used as directed.

The mTBI Blues: I fell down

January 31, 2007: If I didn't land on my arm, then this bruise might have been on my brain. Right after I fell I raised myself up, in pain on my right side. Then this lady in the car that passed me stopped.

As I was about to walk away, the lady asks meekly, "Are you ok?" "Yes, I am" I said weakly, as I tried to ignore the pain.

If the person had been professional enough, she would have been out in a flash and helping me up.

I'm still lucky for not having another concussion to add to my list of mild traumatic brain injuries.

It took the bruise a week to look like this. Most of it is yellow or reddish.

I think I heal faster because I am getting proper nutrition, but more likely I try to leave my wounds alone to heal.

A week ago, I had a slight stitch in my gut near the appendix due to this fall. That went away within 96 hours. In about four days this bruise will go away.

So regarding the past bruise on my brain, this healed hematoma, the headaches are like inflammation, and the mood changes (from anxiety, anger, irritability etc. to the mellow, fearless, slightly disturbed, loss of impulse control) are like the skin color changes as the bruise goes away.

As for the personality changes I've experienced, it indicates mild brain injury. There are possibly some front lobe changes the rehab clinic missed in their tests.

Supposedly I am not showing any frontal lobe syndromes.

However, the inability to think far ahead when distracted and/or tired coupled with the hypomania in reaction to very mild stimulants like SAMe, ginseng, and green tea may indicate changes that may be discounted by the untrained professional.

Overall though, with guidance I won't be doing stupid things on-line anymore. That's probably what really made me fall: a combination of insomnia and too much time spent on-line.

aftermath of a brain injury

On July 19, 2004 between the time of 3:15 AM and 3.30 AM I was assaulted on the job at a worksite, near where I live.

The area is notorious for being a drug haven and hooker stroll.

I will only refer to the worksite as "the bingo hall in a small strip mall."

As for myself, I am a security guard.

After being punched repeatedly in the head by a drug-craazed male, I fell unconscious. According to what I was told over the next two days in the Emergency Ward, I'd been rushed to the hospital by 3.40 AM.

Thanks to the Emergency Ward staff I regained consciousness within 3 hours. By July 23, I recovered full use of most of my senses to discover all the guy who beat me up wanted was the work cellphone my employer provides me.


A week later, here is what I repress: most of the memory of the assaulting me. He wanted my money, and threatened to kill me. Today, I just think of it with some puzzlement.

side effects of the concussion suffered at work:

headaches and dizziness.
aches in pain in legs and backside due to reduced walking.


Good news: physically I improved rapidly over the week I was in the hospital. As well, I was in denial about the extent of my injuries to prevent depression from overwhelming me.

Tomorrow I go for a CAT scan to see how well my brain's improved.