This article is related to what I read about borderline personality disorder e.g. the ability to idealize or fantasize about another person without even have to interact with them.
However, I am also writing this article because I don't like imagining how life would be without Googleplus. It'd be fit as a Hollywood script but most of the plots I have seen on TV or on the big screen are unrealistic, except maybe for Criminal Minds.
Sometimes borderline people would have a fantasized relationship where it all exists in her imagination.
I think our grandparents used to call it daydreaming.
Mundanes seem to ignore their fantasies unless they are in the same room with each other.
Perhaps a few of the emo kids fit the typical borderline personality disorder, which can mimic all the other mental disorders, though not the mood disorders.
A borderline person would have to have a real mood disorder, though the hysterical suicide attempts usually are not fatal, unless they cut too deeply and other morbid stuff like that.
I am pretty lucky to have been born Asian and Buddhist. When diagnosed in 1991 with borderline, my doctor and I agreed the medication route would not be in my best interest, in light of the fact that SSRIs do not work on a personality disorder.
Most doctors often mistake the side effect of akathisia for anxiety and wrong-mindedly choose to up the SSRI dosage, which causes more akathisia.
If such restlessness is present, then it might feel like anxiety but anxiety has one hidden feature to it: it is due to anger that is so suppressed it comes out as a panic attack rather than rage.
Akathisia may lead to thoughts of suicide and morbid ideation about suicide choices. Usually that happens when a dose is missed or doubled.
Thus the additional SSRI dosage could cause a crisis.
However, there is a solution: 15-30 mg of Remeron, which is a antihistamine based sedative. However the mental health consumer can encounter sleep-eating experiences on the higher dose (30mg).
Personally, I think an orgasm could solve more of the mental health issues since a few severely mentally ill American women on the self help web forums are so jaded from past failed relationships, they don't want to handle a relationship anymore. Possibly they got fed up with men. I do not doubt a lot of them become lesbians, but don't have a healthy sex life because they are too ill to enjoy it anymore.
Mainly because the pleasure feels more like pain, though I am certain Lexapro and Celexa have mild painkiller effect.
Guys are not built like that. If the little head anticipate a sexual encounter, the libido will kick in and rule their lives. E.g. the 40 yr old man who gets 25 yr old mistress and lies to his wife about the lipstick on his collar.
Though I have heard of a marriage that led to divorce because the wife was a homophobe who didn't understand her husband's bisexual urges. Scary.
Yet us guys do not think girl-girl sex is inherently gay unless they are both lesbians. Often though, one of the so-called lesbian is a bisexual in the closet.
I can see a lesbian blow up if her bisexual lady lover get a little dick on the sly and accidentally gets pregnant. She would be hurt her lover didn't at least introduce him.
As a rule, misogynist males and androphobic women are extremes. Yes, men haters and women haters are extremes and thus rare. For most people, hate does not ferment into bigotry because it's just unthinkable.
However, we tend to have neurotic tendencies, while the narcissistic person could be our worst nightmare.
Indeed, neuroses are NORMAL. Depression is a normal reaction to negativity in a person's life. Anxiety is a normal reaction to repressed anger that morphs into a panic attack or "the inability to leave the house to the point of coming up with excuses never to leave the house" aka agoraphobia, which too is a neurosis of the worst kind.
As long as a person isn't self harming, be it drug addictions or worse, cutting, neuroses will rarely kill you, with the rare exception of being scared to death.
I like all people in my circles on Googleplus. Your humor might outrage my mom so I like you even more.
Personally though I find horror movies to be hilarious. I know what real blood looks like. Most of the fake blood in horror does not get close to the real thing. However, I am grateful for that because then horror would stop being funny.
It might be my personality to laugh under stress like embarrassment or fear.
If you look over my earlier post on Blogspot about my mental health, then you'd learn that I got diagnosed in 1991.
Today I am certain that psychiatrist just wanted to convince me into thinking I was schizo-something. Schizoaffective which is comorbid with a mood disorder appears with schizophrenic symptoms of paranoia and hallucinations. Schizotypal indicates probable schizophrenic symptoms when under stress. Since schizotypy refers to eccentricities of personality, it is stress that causes the initial effects of schizotypal disorder before adulthood.
After adulthood, all it takes is a drug addiction to hide anxiety and depression. Since alcohol and tobacco is legal, these drugs are often used to self-medicate by people who eventually become mentally ill. Though both of them need careful moderation to reduce side-effects.
According to the anti-marijuana propaganda, smoking lots of marijuana before adulthood leads to anxiety, which presents as temporary paranoia in full-blown anxiety attacks. Indeed, in a certain portion of users, marijuana is known to induce feelings of paranoia and can cause hallucinations which will make an anxious person freak out.
An example is the 911 call by that cop who share a doob with his wife. He complained of experiencing time slowing down and wondered if he was going to die. It makes me wonder if he checked out what the side effects of THC are. Erowid is your friend for that.
So I got diagnosed with borderline personality. Since I have chosen to treat the insomnia rather than the borderline symptoms, the disorder is less of a problem and more of a blessing.
Since borderline is associated with the myth of a flawed personality, perhaps in my case it is a bogus diagnosis. The European description of the same disorder is called Emotionally Unstable Disorder. Both descriptions are stigmatizing. It's still in the DSM-V because shrinks plan to make a lot of money diagnosing hysterical people, once they filter out the funny kind of hysterics.
Emo kids would fit the borderline diagnosis, even the ones that learn to cut from their mentally ill peers who probably suffer depression and anxiety. I'm certain depression could result psychotic thoughts about suicide if a kid's anxiety keeps her homebound.
Me, I'm on two absolutely safe drugs I can get by script, Neurontin (gabapentin; low dose of 200 mg daily for neurasthenia-related pain) and Flexeril (cyclobenzaprine; 10 mg daily for pain from osteoarthrosis of left shoulder). Additionally, I also take two amino acids, lysine for anxiety and arginine for the cardiovascular system. Then there is n-acetyl cysteine (NAC) for liver detoxification (500 mg daily), Vitamins B-50 for stress, C (500+ mg) and D (1000+ IU daily) for the immune system, Calcium (350 mg daily; works in synergy with Vitamin C and lysine for bones and collagen formation), and Ocuvite (to preserve eyesight).
As well, I have recently confirmed the diagnosis of borderline personality because one of my friends in my circles has blocked me due to taking an earlier edition of this rant too seriously. Since this is good material for a blog post, I have edited the private rant to target a great audience.
Most of this article was written earlier in January while suffering insomnia. The reason why it jumps all over the place because it is a rant — not an essay — about living with my borderline personality.
I am glad to have found friends within most of my circles on GooglePlus and appreciate the silent yet sometimes vocal support from my circles on GooglePlus. Currently, I have just woken up an hour ago to post this article after editing it into what you are reading now. Since using the lysine and arginine (1000 mg each) for the past week, I have been getting enough sleep at night.
My motive for writing this rant in its current form is to document what living with my borderline personality is like on my worst days. Sleep hygiene is important in reducing stress, which keeps the dark side of the personality at bay. YMMV.
For your entertainment, I present the following video playlists to show you how I make light with my borderline personality.
First I dance...
And dance some more...
And dance yet again...
Though I've been too busy to dance with work and all.
Sometimes I make music...
Most of the time, I blog and have been on Blogspot for eleven years. Blogging serves as a creative outlet for me. Sometimes an article is popular, but often it is not. I am clueless to what actually works, but realize that none of these article I write are cast in stone.
That means when I find an article needs references, it'll get references and more rhetoric added based on those references. In the case of this article, the tags and the videos above are all that is needed.
Reference:
My Mental Health So Far: http://gandhara.blogspot.com/2014/01/my-mental-health-so-far-satire.html
Showing posts with label borderline personality disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label borderline personality disorder. Show all posts
20140111
My Mental Health So Far (satire)
When I reflect on the borderline personality disorder diagnosis I was given over 20 years ago, perhaps it was only accurate in 1991.
After discussing the diagnosis with my doctor, we decided to preserve my mental health by not opting for medication. At age 33, I was still young and immature for my age.
Overall though, my delayed maturity was due mainly to my limited social experience before moving out of my parents' home.
At age 39 I left home to live on my own. It's been over 15 years now that I've lived independently of my parents, but only five years since I have developed a mature understanding of the roles my siblings (one older brother, one younger sister) and my parents played in my emotional and psychological development.
During that time, I lost a friend in 2006 to pancreatic cancer and my father in 2007 to old age. As well, I met and fell in love with four different women in 1994, 2000, 2001 and 2007.
Today I'm sure the borderline personality disorder is in remission.
By the end of 2012, I have been in remission from depression that lasted from 2009 to 2011. From 2010 to 2012, I chose psychotherapy combined with medication of my choosing to see if it would help me.
From my perspective, I am sure that psychotherapy was helpful in the beginning. Yet it was becoming less useful over time due to my unwillingness to fully commit to total disclosure. At some point near its end, I developed a fear that continued therapy would undo the improvement in my life.
Even so, I learned a lot from my psychotherapist and my choice in medication. All that can be confirmed about medication is that mirtazapine is a strong sedative and did what it was meant to do (relieve depression).
After discontinuing mirtazapine in 2012, I have relied on gabapentin two 100 mg capsules daily and one 10 mg tablet of flexeril to aid in relief of insomnia.
Gabapentin (Neurontin) is used for neuralgic pain in low doses. Flexeril (cyclobenzaprine) is a muscle relaxant with sedative effects is used to reduce pain for the osteoarthrosis in my left shoulder. Together, both drugs reduce the subtle effects of pain in my body to help me to sleep at night.
After doing a thorough research on borderline personality disorder, I know that I have outgrown a lot of its symptoms over time. That include no recent incidents of self harm and only rare occurrences of impulsivity.
As for idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment, it rarely occurs. Instead I maintain a high positive regard for most of my friends and as much positive regard for my GooglePlus followers.
Additionally, I know that the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder implies the personality of a person is flawed. In response, I feel that perhaps the psychiatrists who voted on keeping borderline personality disorder in DSM-V would rather have the ignorant believe in the myth of a flawed personality associated with this debilitating personality disorder than actually overcome the stigma associated with it.
Indeed, I do not believe that my personality is flawed since it is based on myth rather than fact. Rather, a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder may be based on a lack of information about the person being diagnosed including cultural heritage.
Had I been exposed to medication earlier, I am uncertain that it could have helped me at all. For my research on various medications led me to conclude that very little of the medical trials on antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and sedatives included enough Asian volunteers to validate their safety.
I feel that whenever flaws in my personality appear, it is when I am stressed. A person truly cannot isolate himself from the world for long. Even being at home for two days would lead me to develop insomnia. In order to remedy such a situation, I will spend more time away from my computer in the future.
As for now, I would rate my mental health as good with room for improvement.
However, regarding bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, medication and psychotherapy may be warranted when coping strategies do not work.
In my case; I rely on exercise and meditation as coping strategies to relieve stress.
For exercise, I get outside to walk up to five days of the week. Meditation only takes up about 15 minutes of my day.
My hobbies are listening and making music, reading, and writing on my blog.
As for computers, I enjoy both my time on-line and especially off-line. Indeed, being away from the computer is a relief. As well, not using my phone is a bigger relief than using it used to be.
For the moment, because of insomnia, I will consider sleep the best coping strategy of all.
After discussing the diagnosis with my doctor, we decided to preserve my mental health by not opting for medication. At age 33, I was still young and immature for my age.
Overall though, my delayed maturity was due mainly to my limited social experience before moving out of my parents' home.
At age 39 I left home to live on my own. It's been over 15 years now that I've lived independently of my parents, but only five years since I have developed a mature understanding of the roles my siblings (one older brother, one younger sister) and my parents played in my emotional and psychological development.
During that time, I lost a friend in 2006 to pancreatic cancer and my father in 2007 to old age. As well, I met and fell in love with four different women in 1994, 2000, 2001 and 2007.
Today I'm sure the borderline personality disorder is in remission.
By the end of 2012, I have been in remission from depression that lasted from 2009 to 2011. From 2010 to 2012, I chose psychotherapy combined with medication of my choosing to see if it would help me.
From my perspective, I am sure that psychotherapy was helpful in the beginning. Yet it was becoming less useful over time due to my unwillingness to fully commit to total disclosure. At some point near its end, I developed a fear that continued therapy would undo the improvement in my life.
Even so, I learned a lot from my psychotherapist and my choice in medication. All that can be confirmed about medication is that mirtazapine is a strong sedative and did what it was meant to do (relieve depression).
After discontinuing mirtazapine in 2012, I have relied on gabapentin two 100 mg capsules daily and one 10 mg tablet of flexeril to aid in relief of insomnia.
Gabapentin (Neurontin) is used for neuralgic pain in low doses. Flexeril (cyclobenzaprine) is a muscle relaxant with sedative effects is used to reduce pain for the osteoarthrosis in my left shoulder. Together, both drugs reduce the subtle effects of pain in my body to help me to sleep at night.
After doing a thorough research on borderline personality disorder, I know that I have outgrown a lot of its symptoms over time. That include no recent incidents of self harm and only rare occurrences of impulsivity.
As for idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment, it rarely occurs. Instead I maintain a high positive regard for most of my friends and as much positive regard for my GooglePlus followers.
Additionally, I know that the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder implies the personality of a person is flawed. In response, I feel that perhaps the psychiatrists who voted on keeping borderline personality disorder in DSM-V would rather have the ignorant believe in the myth of a flawed personality associated with this debilitating personality disorder than actually overcome the stigma associated with it.
Indeed, I do not believe that my personality is flawed since it is based on myth rather than fact. Rather, a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder may be based on a lack of information about the person being diagnosed including cultural heritage.
Had I been exposed to medication earlier, I am uncertain that it could have helped me at all. For my research on various medications led me to conclude that very little of the medical trials on antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and sedatives included enough Asian volunteers to validate their safety.
I feel that whenever flaws in my personality appear, it is when I am stressed. A person truly cannot isolate himself from the world for long. Even being at home for two days would lead me to develop insomnia. In order to remedy such a situation, I will spend more time away from my computer in the future.
As for now, I would rate my mental health as good with room for improvement.
However, regarding bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, medication and psychotherapy may be warranted when coping strategies do not work.
In my case; I rely on exercise and meditation as coping strategies to relieve stress.
For exercise, I get outside to walk up to five days of the week. Meditation only takes up about 15 minutes of my day.
My hobbies are listening and making music, reading, and writing on my blog.
As for computers, I enjoy both my time on-line and especially off-line. Indeed, being away from the computer is a relief. As well, not using my phone is a bigger relief than using it used to be.
For the moment, because of insomnia, I will consider sleep the best coping strategy of all.
20130319
I hurt (a poem)
picture a girl looking wild-eyed
with circles under her eyes,
looking deathly pale, sporting
an abrasion on her forehead.
she has her arms raised up to
show her handiwork on her arms —
an "I" cut into her right arm
and the word "hurt" cut into her left.
when you closely examine what you see,
you barely make out healed scars on both arms.
This is the picture of Emo.
with circles under her eyes,
looking deathly pale, sporting
an abrasion on her forehead.
she has her arms raised up to
show her handiwork on her arms —
an "I" cut into her right arm
and the word "hurt" cut into her left.
when you closely examine what you see,
you barely make out healed scars on both arms.
This is the picture of Emo.
20121117
Personality Disorder Quiz Devalues DSM
| Personality Disorder Test Results
|
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com
20121103
Hysteria? Wrong Diagnosis! It's Anxiety Disorder!
Circa 1991 I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. This is based on the one interview with the nice Canadian-born English psychiatrist who tried to interest me in getting diagnosed for schizophrenia, too.
After Googling the diagnosis, I learned that Borderline Personality Disorder used to be called Hysteria & used to be diagnosed predominately in women.
11 years later, I seriously doubt the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Rather, I have an anxiety disorder which is predominant among Japanese. It is nurtured in the family. My elder brother, my younger sister and myself have a spectrum of anxiety disorders; both my mother has it and my father used to have anxiety about being in Zellers. Thankfully he passed away in 2007, so he no longer has it. :p
In my case, I find that adequate rest is the key to beating anxiety. Secondly, I use 200 mg at bedtime of gabapentin (Neurontin) to keep it at bay, and rely on 10 g at bedtime of cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril) to sleep.
In addition, the gabapentin helps me achieve deep sleep so even if I get 6 hours of sleep, I feel adequately rested. Though, on the average, 9 hours of sleep is optimal for me. As a matter of fact, the medication has stopped the social anxiety I used to get 5 years ago.
If this is a placebo effect, then Flexeril is the perfect sugar pill for me.
After Googling the diagnosis, I learned that Borderline Personality Disorder used to be called Hysteria & used to be diagnosed predominately in women.
11 years later, I seriously doubt the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Rather, I have an anxiety disorder which is predominant among Japanese. It is nurtured in the family. My elder brother, my younger sister and myself have a spectrum of anxiety disorders; both my mother has it and my father used to have anxiety about being in Zellers. Thankfully he passed away in 2007, so he no longer has it. :p
In my case, I find that adequate rest is the key to beating anxiety. Secondly, I use 200 mg at bedtime of gabapentin (Neurontin) to keep it at bay, and rely on 10 g at bedtime of cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril) to sleep.
In addition, the gabapentin helps me achieve deep sleep so even if I get 6 hours of sleep, I feel adequately rested. Though, on the average, 9 hours of sleep is optimal for me. As a matter of fact, the medication has stopped the social anxiety I used to get 5 years ago.
If this is a placebo effect, then Flexeril is the perfect sugar pill for me.
20110829
Update of Personality Disorder Test
For reference see Personality Disorder Test Update.
OCD and Schizoid appears to be dominant, with Anti-social, Paranoid and Borderline taking a distant second. However, this test is not a diagnosis.
It actually is a method of labeling from a psychiatric view. So in contrast, I've added a Myers-Briggs analysis for comparison.
I'm not afraid of the labeling at all.
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com
Myers Briggs - Jung test results:
Your Type is
INFJ
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
78 12 62 22
Both these tests are similar to picking a passage in the Bible and using it to determine a course of action. That is not unlike fortune-telling.
Therefore, these tests are of limited usefulness. However, they do inspire me to carefully look beyond a psychiatric explanation for my current life.
OCD and Schizoid appears to be dominant, with Anti-social, Paranoid and Borderline taking a distant second. However, this test is not a diagnosis.
It actually is a method of labeling from a psychiatric view. So in contrast, I've added a Myers-Briggs analysis for comparison.
I'm not afraid of the labeling at all.
| Personality Disorder Test Results
|
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com
Myers Briggs - Jung test results:
Your Type is
INFJ
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
78 12 62 22
Both these tests are similar to picking a passage in the Bible and using it to determine a course of action. That is not unlike fortune-telling.
Therefore, these tests are of limited usefulness. However, they do inspire me to carefully look beyond a psychiatric explanation for my current life.
20110117
Seeing the Light
Sometimes, when I am at my worst, I resent most of mankind, which is the negative affect of SAD and social isolation.
While in this darkly negative world of my own making, I might misperceive the harmless behavior of other people in a paranoid manner as slights against me.
Perhaps this may be due to the impishness of adults, both male and female, who never grow up, and who may have become both eternally and internally, the archetypes represented by Peter Pan and Wendy in their respective NeverNeverlands. Yet this is foolish speculation.
At my worst, I see the cup as half empty. Furthermore, my moments of insanity may be in expecting a different reaction each time I act the same way as before sanity prevails.
Using patience, perseverance, and politeness as the guides they are, my way out of the long, dark tunnel of despair is greatly illumined by the peace of mind found through prayer and meditation.
When my mood is thus brightened, I accept other people's mannerisms as the idiosyncrasies they are meant to be - for each of us is unique in their own way.
Deep down I try to play the "Glad Game" to see what makes them glad to see my reaction.
When I am at my best, I am accepting of other people within the rules of society. It is then that I try to be helpful when asked and kind to others with respect to their kindness.
With this positive mindset, sanity consists of doing different things without expectations about outcome.
Realistically, life is never the cup seen half-empty or half-full.
Rather life may be lived fully by accepting what I cannot change about others, being courageous enough to do the things I can, and being wise, through life experience, to know the difference.
While in this darkly negative world of my own making, I might misperceive the harmless behavior of other people in a paranoid manner as slights against me.
Perhaps this may be due to the impishness of adults, both male and female, who never grow up, and who may have become both eternally and internally, the archetypes represented by Peter Pan and Wendy in their respective NeverNeverlands. Yet this is foolish speculation.
At my worst, I see the cup as half empty. Furthermore, my moments of insanity may be in expecting a different reaction each time I act the same way as before sanity prevails.
Using patience, perseverance, and politeness as the guides they are, my way out of the long, dark tunnel of despair is greatly illumined by the peace of mind found through prayer and meditation.
When my mood is thus brightened, I accept other people's mannerisms as the idiosyncrasies they are meant to be - for each of us is unique in their own way.
Deep down I try to play the "Glad Game" to see what makes them glad to see my reaction.
When I am at my best, I am accepting of other people within the rules of society. It is then that I try to be helpful when asked and kind to others with respect to their kindness.
With this positive mindset, sanity consists of doing different things without expectations about outcome.
Realistically, life is never the cup seen half-empty or half-full.
Rather life may be lived fully by accepting what I cannot change about others, being courageous enough to do the things I can, and being wise, through life experience, to know the difference.
20101007
Possible Solutions to Cognitive Distortions
Usually when a person is negative about what another person has said or written, it says more about his unconscious negativity in his life.
In some rare cases, it may be indication of any number of cognitive distortions.
If so, here's what I managed to come up with as possible solutions to key cognitive distortions.
1) Things do not fit black and white categories. This is the fallacy of all or nothing thinking. Things might be both grey and colourful. The proof of this is the metaphor of a digital photograph, which is saturated with colours and tinged with shades of grey. Likewise, being human, I am not perfect and live within the limits of my imperfection. The solution here is found in pausing to reflect on the greyness of living in post-modern times.
2) A single negative event does not fit into any sort of pattern of defeat. This is a fallacy of over-generalization. For each event has both positive and negative qualities. Therefore, I need to focus on accepting the event as happening as it is.
3) The fallacy of the mental filter is that it distorts reality into being just the focus of one negative detail which is dwelt on until all of reality is darkened. What positive details I may have noticed are forgotten, but not for long. I may think of the positive details as they come into focus. Thus, reality is not dark nor is it just that one negative detail.
The truth is, reality is composed of neutral events and things to which each of us ascribes positive or negative qualities based on criteria according to a multitude of factors including our experiences, education, vocation, and so on.
4) Positive experiences are more important to my well-being than negative experiences. The fallacy of disqualifying the positive is that it rejects those positive experiences based on the flimsy criteria that "it does not count" or some other baseless claim. Everyday experience consistently demonstrates that positive experiences occur more often than negative ones, because that is the way the human mind works. It is how the universe works.
5) The fallacy of jumping to conclusions consists of the negative interpretation of events despite there being no definite facts which convincingly support the conclusion. One variety of jumping to conclusions is mind reading, where I may conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out. The solution to this is to either check it out or to pro-actively drop all thought of the matter using meditation. The other variety of this fallacy is the fortune teller error, where I may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and feel that my prediction is an already-established fact. The solution to the fortune teller error is to not anticipate any kind of outcome at all, but to go with the flow i.e. life will bring to me great rewards when I go out into the world.
6) The fallacy of magnification (catastrophizing i.e. making a catastrophe of a thing) or minimization is the exaggeration of the importance of things (my mistakes or someone else's achievements) or "the binocular trick", the inappropriate shrinking of things (events, details) until they appear tiny (my own desirable qualities or the other person's imperfections). The solution to exaggeration of importance requires a lot more work i.e. everything is of equal importance, neither greater or lesser. My own desirable qualities is as important as the next person's. Other people's imperfections are usually of no consequence. Indeed, the fallacy of magnification requires meditation consisting of careful reflection on the matter in order to cut through the delusion of magnification, catastrophizing and minimization.
7) The fallacy of emotional reasoning is that I may assume my negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things are i.e. "I feel it, therefore it must be true." The solution here is to see that the way things are are equally devoid of my emotions, positive or negative. If I feel that the way things are as "bad", then that is not true. If I feel that the way things are "good", then that is not true either. My feelings do not make the way things are true or false. The fallacy of emotional reasoning is the fallacy of the false dilemma.
8) The fallacy of should statements consists of the use of "should" and "shouldn't", as if one had to be whipped and punished before being expected to do anything. "Must" and "ought" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When I direct should statements towards others, I feel anger, frustration, and resentment. The solution to this fallacy is to mindfully let go of guilt, and have no expectations of self and others.
9) The fallacy of labelling and mislabelling is the extreme form of over-generalization. Rather than describing my error, I attach a negative label to myself. Rather than admitting I didn't visit my mother , I call myself a "bad son". When someone else's behaviour rubs me the wrong way, I attach a negative label to him: "He's weird". Mislabelling involves describing an event with language that is highly coloured and emotionally loaded. These labels may have context in the real world, but only within the dysfunctional context.
Such over-generalizations are inappropriate judgement calls which are not helpful in any situation since they tend to create more stress and suffering for each of us.
Thus the solution to labelling and mislabelling is to let go of any tendency to label and mislabel behaviour and people. In order to do so, I will cultivate, maintain and perpetuate a nonjudgmental attitude towards life.
In some rare cases, it may be indication of any number of cognitive distortions.
If so, here's what I managed to come up with as possible solutions to key cognitive distortions.
1) Things do not fit black and white categories. This is the fallacy of all or nothing thinking. Things might be both grey and colourful. The proof of this is the metaphor of a digital photograph, which is saturated with colours and tinged with shades of grey. Likewise, being human, I am not perfect and live within the limits of my imperfection. The solution here is found in pausing to reflect on the greyness of living in post-modern times.
2) A single negative event does not fit into any sort of pattern of defeat. This is a fallacy of over-generalization. For each event has both positive and negative qualities. Therefore, I need to focus on accepting the event as happening as it is.
3) The fallacy of the mental filter is that it distorts reality into being just the focus of one negative detail which is dwelt on until all of reality is darkened. What positive details I may have noticed are forgotten, but not for long. I may think of the positive details as they come into focus. Thus, reality is not dark nor is it just that one negative detail.
The truth is, reality is composed of neutral events and things to which each of us ascribes positive or negative qualities based on criteria according to a multitude of factors including our experiences, education, vocation, and so on.
4) Positive experiences are more important to my well-being than negative experiences. The fallacy of disqualifying the positive is that it rejects those positive experiences based on the flimsy criteria that "it does not count" or some other baseless claim. Everyday experience consistently demonstrates that positive experiences occur more often than negative ones, because that is the way the human mind works. It is how the universe works.
5) The fallacy of jumping to conclusions consists of the negative interpretation of events despite there being no definite facts which convincingly support the conclusion. One variety of jumping to conclusions is mind reading, where I may conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out. The solution to this is to either check it out or to pro-actively drop all thought of the matter using meditation. The other variety of this fallacy is the fortune teller error, where I may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and feel that my prediction is an already-established fact. The solution to the fortune teller error is to not anticipate any kind of outcome at all, but to go with the flow i.e. life will bring to me great rewards when I go out into the world.
6) The fallacy of magnification (catastrophizing i.e. making a catastrophe of a thing) or minimization is the exaggeration of the importance of things (my mistakes or someone else's achievements) or "the binocular trick", the inappropriate shrinking of things (events, details) until they appear tiny (my own desirable qualities or the other person's imperfections). The solution to exaggeration of importance requires a lot more work i.e. everything is of equal importance, neither greater or lesser. My own desirable qualities is as important as the next person's. Other people's imperfections are usually of no consequence. Indeed, the fallacy of magnification requires meditation consisting of careful reflection on the matter in order to cut through the delusion of magnification, catastrophizing and minimization.
7) The fallacy of emotional reasoning is that I may assume my negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things are i.e. "I feel it, therefore it must be true." The solution here is to see that the way things are are equally devoid of my emotions, positive or negative. If I feel that the way things are as "bad", then that is not true. If I feel that the way things are "good", then that is not true either. My feelings do not make the way things are true or false. The fallacy of emotional reasoning is the fallacy of the false dilemma.
8) The fallacy of should statements consists of the use of "should" and "shouldn't", as if one had to be whipped and punished before being expected to do anything. "Must" and "ought" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When I direct should statements towards others, I feel anger, frustration, and resentment. The solution to this fallacy is to mindfully let go of guilt, and have no expectations of self and others.
9) The fallacy of labelling and mislabelling is the extreme form of over-generalization. Rather than describing my error, I attach a negative label to myself. Rather than admitting I didn't visit my mother , I call myself a "bad son". When someone else's behaviour rubs me the wrong way, I attach a negative label to him: "He's weird". Mislabelling involves describing an event with language that is highly coloured and emotionally loaded. These labels may have context in the real world, but only within the dysfunctional context.
Such over-generalizations are inappropriate judgement calls which are not helpful in any situation since they tend to create more stress and suffering for each of us.
Thus the solution to labelling and mislabelling is to let go of any tendency to label and mislabel behaviour and people. In order to do so, I will cultivate, maintain and perpetuate a nonjudgmental attitude towards life.
20100619
Why I Chose Medication
Earlier in 2010, I chose to use mirtazapine, not to cure depression, but to augment psychotherapy, and to use direct experience to validate my hypothesis about the neurophysiological cause of the disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) I was originally diagnosed with i.e. mild Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI).
Psychotherapy lasted for a year.
My hypothesis is that the many mTBI I received from childhood into adulthood resulted in trauma which is the main cause of BPD. My use of mirtazapine is to treat the side effects of mTBI, of which depression is one of them.
I am also of the opinion that mirtazapine, as a strong sedative, also relieved me of the fear of heights, which demonstrates that phobias are in part a neurophysiological affect of mTBI in my case.
Originally posted: June 19, 2010 1847H
Update posted: March 4, 2013 1522H
Psychotherapy lasted for a year.
My hypothesis is that the many mTBI I received from childhood into adulthood resulted in trauma which is the main cause of BPD. My use of mirtazapine is to treat the side effects of mTBI, of which depression is one of them.
I am also of the opinion that mirtazapine, as a strong sedative, also relieved me of the fear of heights, which demonstrates that phobias are in part a neurophysiological affect of mTBI in my case.
Originally posted: June 19, 2010 1847H
Update posted: March 4, 2013 1522H
20100601
The Greyness of Living: Thoughts on Psychological Development With Respect to Borderline Personality Disorder
Psychological development has an emotional context to it. For emotional maturity implies psychological maturity, yet highly developed psychological maturity requires a developed sense of humor to reflect one's emotional maturity appropriately.
In theory, children evolve morally from the black-and-white thinking of what psychiatrist Melanie Klein calls "paranoid-schizoid" to the grey world of the depressive phase. However, "paranoid-schizoid" denotes a psychologically immature phase of psychological development in early childhood.
In contrast, "depressive" suggests a mature phase of psychological development.
Splitting - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)
"In a moral sense grey is ... used positively to balance an all-black or all-white view (for example, shades of grey represent magnitudes of good and bad)." &emdash; Grey in popular culture - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grey#In_popular_culture
Commentary: The use of medication to treat clinical depression suggests that within context of society, clinical depression is not conducive with productivity in society. Medication thus is used to help stabilize what society views as a medical condition that prevents a person from exercising his responsibilities and obligations to society.
Within context of the ethical definition of grey, as covered by this note, splitting does not imply one is out of control. This is because it is primarily a defence mechanism, and has its uses as a behavioural tool, despite its crudity.
Splitting's crudity is that people are seen as either all good or all bad. Within context of psychological development, then, the word "crudity" suggests that psychological immaturity to be crude in function.
Furthermore, it is suggested that seeing the self either as all good or all bad, depending on how one views others, is a crude way of viewing the world.
What I need to do to manage borderline personality disorder (BPD) is to "integrate the good and bad images of both self and others". This is the affirmation to manage BPD.
In order to integrate the good and bad images of both self and others, it's useful to pair statements rationalizing good and bad.
In order to achieve that aim, I will quote the third stage of psychological development and comment on it: "The self and the other possess both good and bad qualities." - This statement is a synthesis of the following opposing statements: "The self possesses both good and bad qualities", and "the other possesses both good and bad qualities."
"Having hateful thoughts about another person doesn't mean that the self is all hateful and doesn't mean that the other person is all hateful either."
"Having loving thoughts about another person doesn't mean that the self is all loving and doesn't mean that the other person is all loving either."
However, me thinking all loving thoughts neither makes me a good person or a bad person. Rather, it makes me a person who is being positive.
Within the context of this article, the act of being positive has both good and bad qualities to it. I am not being positive to be good; I am being positive because it affirms self management of BPD.
This brings me to the use of grey as the positive response to black-and-white thinking (splitting).
As an affirmation to help manage BPD symptoms, i.e. lessen stress, the following statement is useful: "Shades of grey represent magnitudes of good and bad."
Even though writing out my thoughts about BPD and its management may be seen as rationalization, it helps me to see BPD as an part of my character which only arises when under stress.
To best appreciate what I have written in this article, one would have to look at the spectrum of defence mechanisms.
Splitting is a pathological defence mechanism, which means it is on the first level of defence mechanisms.
Defence mechanisms are categorized into four levels:
While I may use defence mechanisms of the first three levels, it remains in my best interest to use altruism, anticipation, humour, identification, sublimation and thought suppression to help manage stress.
In theory, children evolve morally from the black-and-white thinking of what psychiatrist Melanie Klein calls "paranoid-schizoid" to the grey world of the depressive phase. However, "paranoid-schizoid" denotes a psychologically immature phase of psychological development in early childhood.
In contrast, "depressive" suggests a mature phase of psychological development.
- When young, self and the object, good and bad, were experienced as the same. No concept of "I and thou" existed, only "me, my and mine".
- Good and bad are not the same. Good is acceptable, while bad is unacceptable. Depending on their actions, the other as a person is seen as either all good or all bad. Thinking about another person as bad implies that the self is bad as well. Therefore, it's best to consider the caregiver to be a good person, so that the self is also seen as good.
- The self and the other possess both good and bad qualities. Having hateful thoughts about another person doesn't mean that the self is all hateful and doesn't mean that the other person is all hateful either.
Splitting - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)
"In a moral sense grey is ... used positively to balance an all-black or all-white view (for example, shades of grey represent magnitudes of good and bad)." &emdash; Grey in popular culture - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grey#In_popular_culture
Commentary: The use of medication to treat clinical depression suggests that within context of society, clinical depression is not conducive with productivity in society. Medication thus is used to help stabilize what society views as a medical condition that prevents a person from exercising his responsibilities and obligations to society.
Within context of the ethical definition of grey, as covered by this note, splitting does not imply one is out of control. This is because it is primarily a defence mechanism, and has its uses as a behavioural tool, despite its crudity.
Splitting's crudity is that people are seen as either all good or all bad. Within context of psychological development, then, the word "crudity" suggests that psychological immaturity to be crude in function.
Furthermore, it is suggested that seeing the self either as all good or all bad, depending on how one views others, is a crude way of viewing the world.
What I need to do to manage borderline personality disorder (BPD) is to "integrate the good and bad images of both self and others". This is the affirmation to manage BPD.
In order to integrate the good and bad images of both self and others, it's useful to pair statements rationalizing good and bad.
In order to achieve that aim, I will quote the third stage of psychological development and comment on it: "The self and the other possess both good and bad qualities." - This statement is a synthesis of the following opposing statements: "The self possesses both good and bad qualities", and "the other possesses both good and bad qualities."
"Having hateful thoughts about another person doesn't mean that the self is all hateful and doesn't mean that the other person is all hateful either."
"Having loving thoughts about another person doesn't mean that the self is all loving and doesn't mean that the other person is all loving either."
However, me thinking all loving thoughts neither makes me a good person or a bad person. Rather, it makes me a person who is being positive.
Within the context of this article, the act of being positive has both good and bad qualities to it. I am not being positive to be good; I am being positive because it affirms self management of BPD.
This brings me to the use of grey as the positive response to black-and-white thinking (splitting).
As an affirmation to help manage BPD symptoms, i.e. lessen stress, the following statement is useful: "Shades of grey represent magnitudes of good and bad."
Even though writing out my thoughts about BPD and its management may be seen as rationalization, it helps me to see BPD as an part of my character which only arises when under stress.
To best appreciate what I have written in this article, one would have to look at the spectrum of defence mechanisms.
Splitting is a pathological defence mechanism, which means it is on the first level of defence mechanisms.
Defence mechanisms are categorized into four levels:
- Level 1 - Pathological
- Delusional projection
- Denial
- Distortion
- Splitting
- Level 2 - Immature
- Acting out
- Fantasy
- Idealization
- Passive aggression
- Projection
- Projective identification
- Somatization
- Level 3 - Neurotic
- Displacement
- Dissociation
- Exaggeration
- Hypochondriasis
- Isolation
- Intellectualization
- Rationalization
- Reaction formation
- Regression
- Repression
- Undoing
- Level 4 - Mature
- Altruism
- Anticipation
- Humour
- Identification
- Introjection
- Sublimation
- Thought suppression
While I may use defence mechanisms of the first three levels, it remains in my best interest to use altruism, anticipation, humour, identification, sublimation and thought suppression to help manage stress.
20070911
Am I Schizoid? Or Is This BPD?
September 11, 2007: Here is an example of a person with schizotypal or schizo-affective syndrome. I do not consider his behavior odd because he has been like that for the 15 years I've known him.
He is worse when he is around his older sister; who behaves similarly but with a tendency to interpret deep emotional upset as due to external spiritual influence and an artistic interpretation of her own personal spiritual development, where she referred to abstract art she did as 'angels'.
Earlier, the family experienced trauma consisting of death of younger brother and death of father.
A couple days ago, I visited my friend and he only spoke to me twice out of the whole six hours I was there.
While we did not discuss greys or Zeta Reticuli, being the topic of an earlier discussion a year ago, apart from me bringing it up, he just expressed a strong belief in Jesus for about two minutes and returned to his room.
IMHO I doubt if he is schizophrenic; it appears to be either schizotypal or schizo-affective, whichever one has a love for nature and solitude.
However, his behavior is no different from 15 years ago, except that he spends more time reading the Bible.
He is less fanatical though, because he knows of my Buddhist background. This implies that he is compassionate and cares about my feelings as much as I care about his feelings.
Now if he'd only get out more and socialize...
Perhaps my friend actually appears to have Kretschmer's syndrome.
It consists of the following triad of symptoms:
(1) unsociability, quietness, reservedness, seriousness, and eccentricity;
(2) timidity, shyness with feelings, sensitivity, nervousness, excitability, and fondness of nature and books, and
(3) pliability, kindliness, honesty, indifference, silence, and cold emotional attitudes.
If he is schizoid, then my friend is exhibiting neither schizophrenic nor schizo-affective nor schizotypal behavior. Rather he exhibits Kretschmer's triad of symptoms and might be typically schizoid, without any ongoing psychosis -- apart from the only recent occurance of a brief psychotic episode in 2004.
In my own case, I share the quality of "fondness of nature and books" but am sociable, open with my feelings, and have warm emotional attitude. If anything, I admit to being mildly schizoid under stress, but feel that overall I am mildly depressed due to the recent deaths of my father and a close friend.
However, I feel that I do not exhibit any of the behavior associated with my original diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, even when under mild stress.
In different ways, I may exhibit the triad of behavior associated with schizoid syndrome similar to my friend. However, my parents' marital stability has not added trauma to my life.
I feel this is because the traumatic loss in my family happened to me in adulthood, while in the case of my friend, it occurred in childhood (loss of brother) and adolescence (loss of father and breakup of relationship between parents).
Thus I challenge the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. For I feel that I am relearning the skills necessary to control the negative aspects of the BPD, especially risk of suicide, and to accentuate its positive aspects, especially extroversion and willingness to take risks.
As well, it is becoming less difficult to control the comorbid disorder of depression. I have adapted to the mild hypomania that exhibits as insomnia by using the time while awake to express myself on this blog.
As for my friend I do not know of his own creative efforts. While I wish he would participate more often online, his anxiety about exposing his inner thoughts to public scrutiny may moderate any desire to be more friendly and outgoing.
However, the only way this is to come about is to accept his unsociability as a constant that has been there since I first met him over 15 years ago.
All this does for me is to become less schizoid, if such a thing is possible.
Perhaps I have borderline personality disorder. Being abandoned in the hospital at age 5 would have deeply affected me at the time, but it made me fiercely independent to the point of near unsociability.
Hopefully I am not over-analyzing myself in this entry.
He is worse when he is around his older sister; who behaves similarly but with a tendency to interpret deep emotional upset as due to external spiritual influence and an artistic interpretation of her own personal spiritual development, where she referred to abstract art she did as 'angels'.
Earlier, the family experienced trauma consisting of death of younger brother and death of father.
A couple days ago, I visited my friend and he only spoke to me twice out of the whole six hours I was there.
While we did not discuss greys or Zeta Reticuli, being the topic of an earlier discussion a year ago, apart from me bringing it up, he just expressed a strong belief in Jesus for about two minutes and returned to his room.
IMHO I doubt if he is schizophrenic; it appears to be either schizotypal or schizo-affective, whichever one has a love for nature and solitude.
However, his behavior is no different from 15 years ago, except that he spends more time reading the Bible.
He is less fanatical though, because he knows of my Buddhist background. This implies that he is compassionate and cares about my feelings as much as I care about his feelings.
Now if he'd only get out more and socialize...
Perhaps my friend actually appears to have Kretschmer's syndrome.
It consists of the following triad of symptoms:
(1) unsociability, quietness, reservedness, seriousness, and eccentricity;
(2) timidity, shyness with feelings, sensitivity, nervousness, excitability, and fondness of nature and books, and
(3) pliability, kindliness, honesty, indifference, silence, and cold emotional attitudes.
If he is schizoid, then my friend is exhibiting neither schizophrenic nor schizo-affective nor schizotypal behavior. Rather he exhibits Kretschmer's triad of symptoms and might be typically schizoid, without any ongoing psychosis -- apart from the only recent occurance of a brief psychotic episode in 2004.
In my own case, I share the quality of "fondness of nature and books" but am sociable, open with my feelings, and have warm emotional attitude. If anything, I admit to being mildly schizoid under stress, but feel that overall I am mildly depressed due to the recent deaths of my father and a close friend.
However, I feel that I do not exhibit any of the behavior associated with my original diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, even when under mild stress.
In different ways, I may exhibit the triad of behavior associated with schizoid syndrome similar to my friend. However, my parents' marital stability has not added trauma to my life.
I feel this is because the traumatic loss in my family happened to me in adulthood, while in the case of my friend, it occurred in childhood (loss of brother) and adolescence (loss of father and breakup of relationship between parents).
Thus I challenge the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. For I feel that I am relearning the skills necessary to control the negative aspects of the BPD, especially risk of suicide, and to accentuate its positive aspects, especially extroversion and willingness to take risks.
As well, it is becoming less difficult to control the comorbid disorder of depression. I have adapted to the mild hypomania that exhibits as insomnia by using the time while awake to express myself on this blog.
As for my friend I do not know of his own creative efforts. While I wish he would participate more often online, his anxiety about exposing his inner thoughts to public scrutiny may moderate any desire to be more friendly and outgoing.
However, the only way this is to come about is to accept his unsociability as a constant that has been there since I first met him over 15 years ago.
All this does for me is to become less schizoid, if such a thing is possible.
Perhaps I have borderline personality disorder. Being abandoned in the hospital at age 5 would have deeply affected me at the time, but it made me fiercely independent to the point of near unsociability.
Hopefully I am not over-analyzing myself in this entry.
20070610
Am I the Face of Borderline Personality Disorder?
June 10, 2007:This is the face of borderline personality disorder, before meds. I was diagnosed in 1991 and never placed on medication.
Reason: BPD people should never be given meds because they will get annoyed, take a whole lot of them, and play medication roulette. Then they will tell their docs, "Your meds are not working."
Heck, we don't even go for therapy right away because we know the counsellors are incompetent and will misprescribe and give us something that will addict us and cause the suicide bids.
So my GP saved my life from the misery of medication.
20130111.1706: First I deny I am borderline; and then I affirm the diagnosis. That does not sound like borderline personality disorder. It seems more like I'm pigeon-holing the diagnosis.
20070407
Why I Didn't Take Meds
Regarding meds, my doc (GP) strongly objects to me being medicated with any psychotropic medications, due to the risk of addiction (from benzos), discontinuation/withdrawal syndrome (of anti-depressants) etc.
He even advised against anti-psychotics.
During my recent visit to him, he stated twice that borderline personality disorder counterindicates against medication because, from what I have discovered from my research, of being comorbid with suicide *when medicated*.
Basically, a BPD person would threaten to OD on meds because the pdoc (psychiatrist) isn't competent enough to do him any good. And proof of such incompetence is giving him drugs that could kill him in the first place!
Though, in my case, I have never had therapy by a shrink nor have I ever exhibited any of the behavior that make most shrinks "give up" on BPD people.
IMHO most of the meds just "manufacture" the illness e.g. cause side effects which may be rationalized as "symptoms of the diagnosed mental disorder" by the pdoc.
Untrue. Most behaviors are side effects of the medication in that the meds amplify what were once eccentric behaviors.
I have a friend whose medication renders him able to "talk to himself" - he can hold a lucid conversation with his invisible friend, including "channelling" his "friend and his replies- which may be a drug-induced mania or psychosis and is possibly evidence of a neuroleptic being administered at a higher dose than it ought to be.
When he is off his meds, he has difficulty communicating which sometimes leaves him so frustrated he will hit inanimate objects, be it his computer monitor or dashboard of a car. This too is effect of the meds.
Prior to the meds he was shy, socially withdrawn, yet of a high intellect. The fact that he is now able to communicate more freely shows to me that he is still intelligent. However, he requires therapy but avoids it - he even avoided meditation training while initially hospitalized.
What really works for me for therapy is sleep: benadryl 50 mg when I absolutely want sleep.
However, what really works is marijuana. 2 puffs and my sleep cycle is normalized for 48 hours. After 48 hours, the chronic insomnia is back with a vengeance. However, I do not take marijuana regularly because my roommates have noticed my sleep behavior.
The good news is, I am of the 75% of people who is not negatively affected by 9-THC i.e. no psychosis, no hallucinations, no mania.
In contrast, the first time I took two 50 mg of Gravol I had a minor "trip". So I am strict with the benadryl.
As of December 23, 2012, I only take gabapentin and flexeril - been taking both for about a year and it is better than mirtazapine.
I only use benedryl in emergencies.
As of now I only have cetirizine for the case of flu, when every breath is filled with mucus and wheezing.
Other than that, I feel that I am less incapacitated by my curren nightly dose of 100 mg gabapentin and 10 mg of flexeril.
This reigiment follows my Less is More philosophy towards drugs of all kinds.
For I believe strongly that the more is better philoosphy is deadly.
He even advised against anti-psychotics.
During my recent visit to him, he stated twice that borderline personality disorder counterindicates against medication because, from what I have discovered from my research, of being comorbid with suicide *when medicated*.
Basically, a BPD person would threaten to OD on meds because the pdoc (psychiatrist) isn't competent enough to do him any good. And proof of such incompetence is giving him drugs that could kill him in the first place!
Though, in my case, I have never had therapy by a shrink nor have I ever exhibited any of the behavior that make most shrinks "give up" on BPD people.
IMHO most of the meds just "manufacture" the illness e.g. cause side effects which may be rationalized as "symptoms of the diagnosed mental disorder" by the pdoc.
Untrue. Most behaviors are side effects of the medication in that the meds amplify what were once eccentric behaviors.
I have a friend whose medication renders him able to "talk to himself" - he can hold a lucid conversation with his invisible friend, including "channelling" his "friend and his replies- which may be a drug-induced mania or psychosis and is possibly evidence of a neuroleptic being administered at a higher dose than it ought to be.
When he is off his meds, he has difficulty communicating which sometimes leaves him so frustrated he will hit inanimate objects, be it his computer monitor or dashboard of a car. This too is effect of the meds.
Prior to the meds he was shy, socially withdrawn, yet of a high intellect. The fact that he is now able to communicate more freely shows to me that he is still intelligent. However, he requires therapy but avoids it - he even avoided meditation training while initially hospitalized.
What really works for me for therapy is sleep: benadryl 50 mg when I absolutely want sleep.
However, what really works is marijuana. 2 puffs and my sleep cycle is normalized for 48 hours. After 48 hours, the chronic insomnia is back with a vengeance. However, I do not take marijuana regularly because my roommates have noticed my sleep behavior.
The good news is, I am of the 75% of people who is not negatively affected by 9-THC i.e. no psychosis, no hallucinations, no mania.
In contrast, the first time I took two 50 mg of Gravol I had a minor "trip". So I am strict with the benadryl.
As of December 23, 2012, I only take gabapentin and flexeril - been taking both for about a year and it is better than mirtazapine.
I only use benedryl in emergencies.
As of now I only have cetirizine for the case of flu, when every breath is filled with mucus and wheezing.
Other than that, I feel that I am less incapacitated by my curren nightly dose of 100 mg gabapentin and 10 mg of flexeril.
This reigiment follows my Less is More philosophy towards drugs of all kinds.
For I believe strongly that the more is better philoosphy is deadly.
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