Good Bye Personality Disorder, Hello Neurosis

Around 1992, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. However, after discussion of the matter with my doctor, I decided not to seek medication.

Twenty years later, that diagnosis does not define me at all. While I can relate to fear, anxiety, insomnia, and hypomania, I cannot relate to mania and psychosis. For it turns out that when I enter the hypomanic phase, I become sociable and outgoing.

While I am anti-psychiatry, I am not anti-medication. Since both cyclobenzaprine and gabapentin are not used like the usual psychopharamaceuticals, I don't consider them in the same light as sleep aids.

I shall continue to use them because nine times out of ten, they would as directed (10 mg of cyclobenzaprine and 2 x 100 mg of gabapentin at bedtime). Otherwise, I'm overproductive and on a roll until I sleep it off.

When I was on mirtazapine three years ago, it acted like a strong sedative. Today I won't touch it again.

Aside from medication I try to get out at least four to five times a week.

When I get the urge to indulge in my photography hobby I get right into it. That hobby has helped me a lot.

So, rather than borderline personality disorder, I'm going with neurosis. Furthermore, because neuroses are no longer in the DSM, the medications I am using now help with sleep quality.

Neuroses are associated with distress, which points to mental suffering. While medication provides restful sedation, meditation helps achieve the calm mind to aid in gathering insight into one's distress.

In fact, once a person learns the basics of meditation, she can practice anytime and anywhere to clear her mind and bring an end to her suffering eventually.

Personally I tend to see suffering as inspiration to meditate and discover what gifts it has hidden away.

In that light, neuroses fade away, and reveal curiosity about what's really troubling me, and inspires me to write about it further exposing my neuroses to light until they become something I can control like fear, anxiety, and even insomnia.

This whole process of meditation is what I call the only true mind control. This kind of control is self-taught. This implies that meditation can be learned by any one.

Also, all the aspects of neurosis could be seen as gifts hidden behind suffering. Fear too becomes useful because it appears when one is under threat, be it by stress or by physical threat. Stress itself may be harder to escape than a physical threat, only if we listen to the fear rather than the voice of reason.

Often that voice of reason is saying "Look for the hiden gifts". So for me, the most expedient way of handling stress is to welcome it nto my life. It could be just as easy ass saying quietly, "Thank you stress!" Even greeting neuroses could do wonders to relieve distress.

In essence, that is the second part of meditation, when you are calm in mind and ready to handle stress, it would be just the time to observe your thoughts to see how they arise to form your fear. Once you do that, then you could stop listening to them by listening to yourself breathe, and if you're beyond that, get out and exercise to break the spell of neurosis.

For it starts with watching your breath and it ends very well...

Hysteria? Wrong Diagnosis! It's Anxiety Disorder!

Circa 1991 I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. This is based on the one interview with the nice Canadian-born English psychiatrist who tried to interest me in getting diagnosed for schizophrenia, too.

After Googling the diagnosis, I learned that Borderline Personality Disorder used to be called Hysteria & used to be diagnosed predominately in women.

11 years later, I seriously doubt the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Rather, I have an anxiety disorder which is predominant among Japanese. It is nurtured in the family. My elder brother, my younger sister and myself have a spectrum of anxiety disorders; both my mother has it and my father used to have anxiety about being in Zellers. Thankfully he passed away in 2007, so he no longer has it. :p

In my case, I find that adequate rest is the key to beating anxiety. Secondly, I use 200 mg at bedtime of gabapentin (Neurontin) to keep it at bay, and rely on 10 g at bedtime of cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril) to sleep.

In addition, the gabapentin helps me achieve deep sleep so even if I get 6 hours of sleep, I feel adequately rested. Though, on the average, 9 hours of sleep is optimal for me. As a matter of fact, the medication has stopped the social anxiety I used to get 5 years ago.

If this is a placebo effect, then Flexeril is the perfect sugar pill for me.