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Tips on How To Get a Spiritual Warrior Into a Buddhist Retreat

What To Do When Asked How You Meditate

This is satire. Using anything contained in this article may get you kicked out of a Buddhist retreat. It is provided here to poke fun at spiritual warriors who take themselves too seriously. However, the aim of this article to help Buddhists to develop humility.

1) Quietly state that you are at the retreat to share what you know about "chanting" before and after meditation.

2) Mention that you visualize the Buddha sitting in meditation by first looking at a picture of Amida Buddha.

3) Insist that reality is subjective and that it is only interpretable to each person. By doing so, you demonstrate that subjective reality is not consensual reality. Do not let their rationalization distract you from your inner Truth. You are not at the retreat to analyze but to be in the moment sitting in meditation.

4) If someone asks you to teach them chanting then tell them "I have meditated for over 20 years and chanting the name of the Buddha before and after helped with my meditation." Then teach them Buddha Remembrance by chanting "OM MANI PADME HUM" 7, 21 or 49 times. Emphasize sincerity during chanting.

What To Do Actually All Day and/or Night When Committed To the Retreat

For people who are serious about attending a Buddhist retreat, here are some simple rules regarding attendance. A Buddhist retreat is for developing compassion, humility, patience, and wisdom.

Bring a sleeping mat and pillow and be prepared to sleep on a hard floor.

Practice harmlessness against yourself and/or others.

Practice meditation on rising and before going to bed.

Be peaceable to other people, but be assertive.

When they give you the vegetarian meal, take it with thanks.

Do not talk out of turn or verbally harass other people. Otherwise, you lose the chance to help each other to enlightenment.

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