Journal Entry: February 4, 2013

Date of incident: February 4, 2013 Time: 1530-2200

Initial state of mind: at home, I was upset over having to go visit roommate before visiting mother with little time to do both.

Type of emotional upset: later at mother's place, I experienced anger and agitated state of mind due to choice made on hearing trigger phrase.

Briefly describe behavior: expressed desire to go home; did a lot of walking around without saying much, after initial upset, lasting perhaps 30 minutes.

Was it resolved? Yes, it was resolved by forgetting about it. See description below.

Main reason for incident: time mismanagement left me with no time to visit roommate and visit mother.

Recommendation: On days I visit my mother, I will only visit her.

Description of incident:

When I last visited my mother for supper, I was reading the newspaper at the kitchen table. Then my mother comes in and puts a tabloid in front of me, asking me to read it. I told her that I didn't want to read it. Later, she said that I must be upset over something to not want to read the paper. For about a half hour I am upset because of her saying that. When I look back on that incident I see that I was in the wrong BECAUSE I COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO GET UPSET.

My mother made the request that "if I am upset, that it would be best not to come visit her." This is the trigger phrase.

After calming down somewhat, my mother and I had supper. At this point my brother comes upstairs and told us a joke, and we all laughed over it. Then I decided to forgive my mother but seeing as telling her that I forgive her is inappropriate, I acted as though I was over it.


After carefully reviewing this recent incident with my mother in my mind, I only fault myself for it. As long as I come up with justifications for getting upset with what my mother said to me, I am not doing our relationship any good.

Since family harmony is the common goal of my relationship with my mother, I refuse to blame my mother or myself.


After reviewing my memory of that day, it turns out that I was late getting to her place, and spent five minutes waiting before being let in by my brother.

According to what he told me, my mother decided to take a bath just before supper to avoid the inconvenience of doing so when she's tired.


My reason for taking responsibility for my actions in this case: I could have handled her request to read the tabloid she was reading better.

I didn't have make a big display of being upset when she said I was upset. That only confirms the fact.

I couldn't tell my mother that I was concerned with my roommate's situation because it's none of her business.

However I can feel repentant for choosing to get upset at my mother because spending a half hour being upset was not worth it at all.

So my mother is off the hook, and so am I.

Regret

I regret most of the mistakes I've made both off-line and on-line, especially the ones documented in this blog before 2008.

However, I do not regret falling in love in 2008 at all.

It's obvious now that I had hurt a few people who are no longer my friends, and neutral parties who either rallied to my cause or were against me.

As well, it's important for me to live in the present moment, provided that I apply the lessons learned from past mistakes.

However, the limitations placed on me by fatigue may only be lessened by rest. This is not an excuse, because in the past I've shown I am able to be responsible when well rested.

Universal Responsibility

Adopting an attitude of universal responsibility is essentially a personal matter. The real test of compassion is not what we say in abstract discussions but how we conduct ourselves in daily life.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama, "Imagine All the People"

Just talking about harmlessness isn't enough.

When spiritual practice (meditation) does not lead to reciprical compassion from others, a person's conduct should still be to practise harmlessness.

To feel guilty for past wrongs is not enough - one must strive to learn from one's mistakes.

Even in the Dhammapada it is written to not cling to regrets and worries.

Dhammapada 67-68:

It's not good,
the doing of the deed
that, once it's done,
you regret,
whose result you reap crying,
your face in tears.

It's good,
the doing of the deed
that, once it's done,
you don't regret,
whose result you reap gratified,
happy at heart.


As well, the cure for regrets about wrongs done is simply letting go:

348:

Gone to the beyond of becoming,
you let go of in front,
let go of behind,
let go of between.
With a heart everywhere let-go,
you don't come again to birth
& aging.


Thus what the Dalai Lama says about the real test of compassion is ... how we conduct ourselves in daily life.