I feel that much of my behavior is related to major depressive disorder.
The consistent symptoms are weight gain, insomnia, and long periods of sleep.
Associated with it, but not a definite causal factor, is lack of a life partner.
At times I also tend to express my inner voice in a manner which leads to alienation by peers.
Yet none of my behavior symptoms indicate any obvious signs of delusion, dementia, mania or psychosis.
Most importantly I have no violent ideation (including rages).
However, the lack of a life partner shows a potential alienation of romantic feelings.
From what little I've been able to get out of women who've rejected me, I am "not their type", which means they wouldn't make love with me, even if I was the last man on Earth.
A probable cause of this alienation of affection is strongly related to persistence on my part, combined with lack of an established outer voice which is amenable to the mutual romantic interests of both the woman and myself.
In short, while I do walk the walk, I don't talk the talk in a manner which satisfies the woman's criteria of "her type."
However, deep down I know that anxiety and fear tends to serve as the unconscious motivation for the mate selection process amongst heterosexual females.
It's quite obvious that some women are anxious around me due to miscommunication, but an underlying fear of intimacy is raised because I am "not their type."
Sometimes I feel that most women have already made up their mind that they are not going to fuck me within 5 seconds of meeting me. :o
So obviously the solution is to meet more women, and learn and observe the cues which show that I am making the right, or wrong, impression on "that girl."
OK, maybe I am thinking too much about women and how to impress them.
While I cannot blame them for any health risks arising on my part from not being with a woman, or any deliberate attempt to put me at risk on their part, from an objective view, rejection is causing a depressive reaction.
My novel way of dealing with rejection and its reaction, depression, is to masturbate often. It appears to work better than anti-depressants, and reduces my anxiety better than benzodiazepines.
Still, it'd be nice to share an orgasm. :D
Thus I need game, not right away but sometime soon.
***And no, I am not whining or crying about lack of game. However, the dates with Mary Hand are getting monotonous.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
20130228
20090823
Finding Someone to Love
So why would I have to meet people at a noisy nightclub that's dark? Is it really possible to get to know someone under such adverse conditions?
People who claim they met their BF in club such-and-such did not get to know them at that club. Instead, they agree to meet at a coffee bar or do the movies and dinner thang.
Then i look at my parents: their marriage was arranged through a friend of my dad. My mom's never admitted to loving my dad, but proved it by visiting him at the old age home regularly. Now that he's been gone since a couple years ago, she proves it by visiting his plot at the local cemetery.
Today a lot of love marriages might end in divorce. How fickle love is!
So i watch Bollywood movies, and notice most of the male leads talk about love like me, even claiming that the gods bring us together. Maybe that's what's missing from the dating scene.
Most of us are so busy rationalizing the very essence of our dating that the joi de vivre is all squeezed out until all that's left is a couple of wilted personalities thirsty for something both of them have analyzed to death.
A long time ago someone has said that love is a learning experience. I'd like to add that it is also spiritually inspiring, hence my emphasis of unconditional love and me implying that human love is mostly lust.
Yet, when it's mostly lust, where the heck is the love that never dies?
For that's what the people who are in between relationships should figure out the answer for themselves: when you learn to love yourself unconditionally, you're not too worried about finding someone to love.
They might just find you.
People who claim they met their BF in club such-and-such did not get to know them at that club. Instead, they agree to meet at a coffee bar or do the movies and dinner thang.
Then i look at my parents: their marriage was arranged through a friend of my dad. My mom's never admitted to loving my dad, but proved it by visiting him at the old age home regularly. Now that he's been gone since a couple years ago, she proves it by visiting his plot at the local cemetery.
Today a lot of love marriages might end in divorce. How fickle love is!
So i watch Bollywood movies, and notice most of the male leads talk about love like me, even claiming that the gods bring us together. Maybe that's what's missing from the dating scene.
Most of us are so busy rationalizing the very essence of our dating that the joi de vivre is all squeezed out until all that's left is a couple of wilted personalities thirsty for something both of them have analyzed to death.
A long time ago someone has said that love is a learning experience. I'd like to add that it is also spiritually inspiring, hence my emphasis of unconditional love and me implying that human love is mostly lust.
Yet, when it's mostly lust, where the heck is the love that never dies?
For that's what the people who are in between relationships should figure out the answer for themselves: when you learn to love yourself unconditionally, you're not too worried about finding someone to love.
They might just find you.
20071231
Why I Don't Date
1) Better to conquer oneself than conquer a thousand men.
2) I value peace of mind by the sublimation of sexual desire through meditation.
3) The first traumatic film in Grade One that I experienced was about a child molester but showed the setting and succeeded in having me only associate wooded areas with danger. Today, kids these days have faith in all the myths about "psychos" from Hollywood.
4) Because of 1) overconsumption requires eating one meal a day, substituting diet beverage for alcohol and pop, and walk a mile 3-4 times a week each day or the equivalent at the gym.
5) Actually most people today get boring the more they drink because they don't remember any of the good things I did for them when they were sober. I can count the number of people with more exciting stories to tell me and who will never over-drink ever again on both hands. The number of people who were drinkers and led interesting lives I know is two: one of my friends and my Dad (except my Dad died of old age).
6) Women can either go lesbian, do it solo with their BOB or find someone better.
7) What a woman calls independent living means no men; what a man calls independent living means sleeping when he wants, washing when he wants, and being able to keep a beer can collection. What I call independent living means adequate rest, cleanliness and living within my means.
8) I've yet to meet a woman who could drink the same amount of booze I can without being paranoid of too much drinking. If I had no intent of acting anything other than a gentleman these past years, then I should remember being jailed for it. Since I have no such intentions drunk or sober, then frankly ladies, your paranoia about drinking with men is only emphasized by the "mistakes" you have made while drunk. Because I had no such intentions all along, I have decided being sober is a wiser choice at my age.
9) There are too many errors of judgement in dating. You rarely get a second chance when you make a mistake unless you admit that you did err and wish to correct your ways.
10) "Do you like children?" a fellow castmate asked WC Fields. Fields weaved around a bit, and then slowly slurred, "With catsup..."
I once read a book by some Irish author which proposed that children of the poor be well fed like domesticated animals and then slaughtered to end the Irish potato famine. This satire actually implied that had the poor of Ireland not been busy procreating, that the famine would not have occurred.
Well, we do not have that problem today. Children are becoming a scarce commodity these days because people are actually procreating less than they did 300 years ago.
Ah, the joys of compulsory education! Stuff your brain full of unrelated facts for 12 straight years, and the first one learned is "women no longer really need men to raise their children" and the second one learned is, "chemistry is the code word for a lot of failed experiments, some good experiences, and so much potential".
Even so, IMHO a few men and women have forgotten all about love by the time they are my age, mainly because of the propaganda from the media. Indeed, a diet of soap operas and romantic novels contributes to this myth. It goes great with the one about men only having egos, which isn't true according to my research on psychology. Women have egos, just like men do, except just like every other aspect of the female mind, they internalize it. Indeed, women tend to over-analyze using their egos in ways that no males can, and then some. Though, men are quite capable of using their egos like they don't have their manhood handy.
So that's why I don't date. I am content to maintain peace of mind through mindful practice.
2) I value peace of mind by the sublimation of sexual desire through meditation.
3) The first traumatic film in Grade One that I experienced was about a child molester but showed the setting and succeeded in having me only associate wooded areas with danger. Today, kids these days have faith in all the myths about "psychos" from Hollywood.
4) Because of 1) overconsumption requires eating one meal a day, substituting diet beverage for alcohol and pop, and walk a mile 3-4 times a week each day or the equivalent at the gym.
5) Actually most people today get boring the more they drink because they don't remember any of the good things I did for them when they were sober. I can count the number of people with more exciting stories to tell me and who will never over-drink ever again on both hands. The number of people who were drinkers and led interesting lives I know is two: one of my friends and my Dad (except my Dad died of old age).
6) Women can either go lesbian, do it solo with their BOB or find someone better.
7) What a woman calls independent living means no men; what a man calls independent living means sleeping when he wants, washing when he wants, and being able to keep a beer can collection. What I call independent living means adequate rest, cleanliness and living within my means.
8) I've yet to meet a woman who could drink the same amount of booze I can without being paranoid of too much drinking. If I had no intent of acting anything other than a gentleman these past years, then I should remember being jailed for it. Since I have no such intentions drunk or sober, then frankly ladies, your paranoia about drinking with men is only emphasized by the "mistakes" you have made while drunk. Because I had no such intentions all along, I have decided being sober is a wiser choice at my age.
9) There are too many errors of judgement in dating. You rarely get a second chance when you make a mistake unless you admit that you did err and wish to correct your ways.
10) "Do you like children?" a fellow castmate asked WC Fields. Fields weaved around a bit, and then slowly slurred, "With catsup..."
I once read a book by some Irish author which proposed that children of the poor be well fed like domesticated animals and then slaughtered to end the Irish potato famine. This satire actually implied that had the poor of Ireland not been busy procreating, that the famine would not have occurred.
Well, we do not have that problem today. Children are becoming a scarce commodity these days because people are actually procreating less than they did 300 years ago.
Ah, the joys of compulsory education! Stuff your brain full of unrelated facts for 12 straight years, and the first one learned is "women no longer really need men to raise their children" and the second one learned is, "chemistry is the code word for a lot of failed experiments, some good experiences, and so much potential".
Even so, IMHO a few men and women have forgotten all about love by the time they are my age, mainly because of the propaganda from the media. Indeed, a diet of soap operas and romantic novels contributes to this myth. It goes great with the one about men only having egos, which isn't true according to my research on psychology. Women have egos, just like men do, except just like every other aspect of the female mind, they internalize it. Indeed, women tend to over-analyze using their egos in ways that no males can, and then some. Though, men are quite capable of using their egos like they don't have their manhood handy.
So that's why I don't date. I am content to maintain peace of mind through mindful practice.
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