So from November, I shall be on my own to cope with depression and anxiety, the result of the social isolation which starts around this time of year.
Though, my experience since age 2 has shown to me that the anxiety was learned from my parents, along with the depression from my mother.
While this is discounted by most people, I know it to be true for me.
This truth has freed me from believing that anxiety and depression are solely a biochemical reaction to longer nights and shorter days.
Instead, I feel that the social isolation is most likely a defense mechanism complicated by social anxiety.
Currently I feel fatigued, yet am willing to pause and reflect on the pluses for today.
Overall I am satisfied with the service I obtained from my local mental health centre.
It now has been a year and four months since the end of psychotherapy at the local mental health centre.
Things have improved immensely since my medication was changed to gabapentin (200 mg twice a day) and cyclobenzaprine (10 mg at bedtime as needed).
In addition, it has been a couple weeks since finding and buying the following books:
- Buddhism of Wisdom and Faith by Thich Thien Tâm.
- Buddhism: An Introductory Guide to the Buddhist Tradition by John Snelling.
- afterzen: Experiences of a Zen Student Out on His Ear by Janwillem van de Wetering.
As for my behavior since getting those books, it improved immensely. Though I did commit errors due to the remnants of egocentricity, which arises when negativities unsettles my mind.
Sometimes my fears get the best of me. For example, yesterday I was called in to work to fill un for another worker who'd fallen ill due to stress.
When my shift supervisor called me, he passed on information on the night shift building security guard that he was of the opinion that the security company I work for was inferior to the company that he's worked for all his career.
Fearing having to meet up with him, I decided to drop off the key fob assigned to me by the day shift guard at the desk, unsecured and vulnerable to theft.
While meeting with the night shift guard, he said I should return the fob to him. When I indicated that I'd left it at the desk in an unsecured manner, he left to recover it.
Later on, he came down to ask if I had been in the stairwells since the sensors had alerted him to possible breaches in security. In response to his inquiry, I stated that I have never entered any of the stairwells that night. His reaction was to cuss under his breath, as he was expecting a curt "Yes Sir!" rather than what sounds like an excuse.
Overall though, despite being alerted of frequent friction with the night guard, I actually only saw him twice all night. Based on the gender of the worker I replaced early this morning from midnight to six, I suspect that he might have a hint of misogyny along with the associated egocentricity.
In my way of thinking, putting down another company to make the company you work for seem superior hints of a dysfunctional ego clinging to inferior and superior.
How unnecessary are comparisons!
Later on that night, while I was meditating, I made a point of placing both hands together to meditate on what I learned from the night guard.
Since my meditation is done for the benefit of all sentient beings, including myself, I am certain that the evil karma (misunderstanding instruction about the key fob) was burned off through Buddhist Recitation and meditation.
As you can see, the Buddhist practice of Buddha Remembrance and breath meditation are my two main forms of self-help which benefit not only me but all sentient beings.
However, I am not so vain as to believe Buddhism is superior to psychotherapy due to my "lone wolf" practice.
Chinese Pure Land Buddhist retreats will not help me as I am unable to sit zazen. However, I am sure that Google Plus actually has a wide spectrum of spiritually deep members.
In conclusion, this humble blogger (points to self) makes use of the Buddhist practice of book learning in addition to Buddha Recitation and breath meditation as self-help tools. For these tools help reduce anxiety and depression, but they uncover pure joy arising from the awakening of Bodhi Mind.
I am grateful to the Buddha for his Dharma, to Amida Buddha for the Pure Land where I will be reborn on death, and especially to Shinran Shonin for founding his True Pure Land Buddhism.
Thank you for reading this blog post!